Bart Simpson once won an elephant he called ‘Stampy’ – a surly, obnoxious and aggressive beast that, as you’d expect, was more than a nuclear family could handle in a residential backyard.
Eventually, for everyone’s sake he was moved on to an animal reserve where he immediately picked up where he left off in Evergreen Terrace.
“Why is he attacking all those other elephants?” Marge asked the head ranger.
“Animals are a lot like people, Mrs. Simpson,” he replied. “Some of them act badly because they’ve had a hard life or have been mistreated. But, like people, some of them are just jerks.”
Mick Malthouse was moved onto the game reserve we know as Princes Park at the end of 2012 and picked up where he left off at Collingwood.
His coaching record can not be questioned – eight grand final appearances with West Coast and the Pies and a reputation for instilling a belief in his playing group who respond by playing for the coach. His players love him. That’s clear.
For eight long years after the 2003 grand final demolition at the hands of the Brisbane Lions, Collingwood fans could wear his aesthetically unpleasing boundary-hugging style and his team’s traditionally poor foot skills because they delivered results with a 57 per cent winning record at the Westpac Centre and the 2010 premiership.
He wasn’t delivered the luxury of the equivalent of a state team on a silver platter as he was at the Eagles. He built the team from the ground up through the ‘noughties’ and victory over Ross Lyon’s Saints in the replay was particularly sweet for anyone with a black and white bent.
But clubs, fans and, as an extension, the media, deserve more than the cantankerous petulance dished up by Malthouse and this year he has demonstrated perfectly why the lion’s share of Collingwood fans weren’t unhappy to see the back of him.
As an elder statesman of the game, as the face of a football club, Mick Malthouse has always made his club and supporters cringe.
His much publicised run-in with Geelong great Cameron Ling at the SCG on Saturday night was the latest in a litany of spats, outbursts and tantrums from a bloke who should know better.
The universally admired Ling apparently responded to Malthouse’s finger-pointing spray with “Don’t you ever talk to me like that.” The Carlton coach, like the bully who didn’t expect the victim in the schoolyard to punch him on the nose, was true to form as he backpeddled on Monday.
“I get on very well with Cameron Ling, no problems,” he said. “I admire him, I think he’s a fantastic bloke. He misinterpreted that I was talking to him – it certainly wasn’t him.”
Turn it up!
“If I wasn’t coaching, I’d hate the game,” he proclaimed last month.
Michael Malthouse is a frontrunner. Should his side salute, he can be an incisive, engaging and insightful subject but after a loss his shtick is to look down his nose at media with disdain, dismissing their earnest questioning as a Master Chef judge would a dodgy bowl of ‘spag bol’.
This from a bloke who hypocritically worked in the media between coaching appointments and even lectured at La Trobe University as a Vice-Chancellor’s Fellow in the Sports Journalism course.
From Cameron Ling to Matthew Richardson, his own leaders to the cost-of-living allowance, Mark Robinson to Sam Lane, interchange and rotations to the state of the game itself – Malthouse’s boorish behaviour has touched them all.
And God help you if you unwrap a muffin in his presence.
“There he goes, Dad!”
My daughter loves to see Malthouse losing it in the coaches box but can’t understand why he insists on being “so mean” to all those other elephants.
For the majority of his adult lifetime, Mick hasn’t endured a hard life or been mistreated.
I told my little girl that, like ‘Stampy’, some people are just jerks.
SteveOL
Roar Pro
The NFL, etc in the US deliver players and coaches to the media on demand, no questions asked. It is incumbant upon any AFL club representative to make themselves available whether they like it or not. Mick needs to grow up in a hurry. He acknowledged that this week.
Jarrad
Guest
Interesting article Steve, very well written. I have an opinion of Malthouse very similar to yours, his antics on Saturday night were nothing short of disgraceful, and in general I've always found him to be bitter, crude, and nothing basically short of arrogant. Nothing pained me more when Collingwood would be in front by ten goals against GWS or Melbourne, and there was Mick in the coaches box with ten minutes to go in the last quarter, having an absolute hissy fit over something ridiculous. To put forward the viewpoint of my mate who supports Carlton and loves old Mick, when journo's do ask ridiculously stupid questions, as both Lane and Robinson have in the past, does the man not have a right to tear them a new one? I guess it depends as to what you constitute as a stupid question, but what are your thoughts on that? Also, the demand and requirement that coaches must participate in a post game press conference, do you think that influences Malthouse and what he says? I have a massive problem with this, and even more so with players being forced to conduct interviews literally when they're coming off the ground at halftime, and I can't help but feel that with Malthouse because he is forced unwillingly, he chooses to conduct himself in the arrogant manner that he does. Obviously looks terrible for the Carlton footy club as you've rightfully highlighted, but do you think it sends a message to the AFL, and perhaps highlights a need for change regarding compulsory post match media conferences?
Darren
Guest
Two things Steve, firstly, by stating you are a lifelong Collingwood member you have now brought out into the open your agenda - thanks. Secondly, your view that the minority think Malthouse didn't go to Carlton out of spite. I'd make three points on this comment: 1 - I must have missed the Newspoll on that one. 2 - Being in the majority doesn't always make you right mate. 3 - Mick says he did it because he still had a burning desire to coach. In summary, Carlton is the 4th club he has coached (I don't mean to be a downer but Collingwood is only one of them) and, of course, he played for two others. So in the end I see him as a lifelong footy professional who felt he had more to give. Can I respectfully suggest you accept Mick is not a Collingwood person, move on and accept he has done the same.
SteveOL
Roar Pro
Sounds fantastic. Got your phone booth booked? You won't need much room, Peter.
Peter Baudinette
Roar Guru
Great read Steve. Although I think I might join Darren for a cuppa and some scones over at the newly founded: Clearly in the Minority Group. If Mick Malthouse is only at Carlton out of spite, do you think he might start writing cheques and sending them my way? I agree he is getting a bit grumpy in his old age but I would hardly say he is intrinsically motivated by spite.
Scott
Guest
Ridiculous assertion that Mick went to Carlton out of spite. Possible that he felt that he still wanted to coach after a year out of the game? Considering his recent track record, I'd say he was in very good form when he finished at Collingwood. Great win/loss record, regular top 4 contender, consecutive GF's & a premiership. History may judge the decision to replace him with an unproven coach as a poor decision by Collingwood.
Scott
Guest
It takes all sorts to make a competition entertaining, Malthouse press conferences have provided plenty of entertainment over the years. When has rudeness been a crime, or worthy of a story for that matter?? I think Eddies racist gibe, BT's homophobic comment or the Footy Show's sexist culture are all far worse than grumpy Mick. Why not write a few stories on those people or is it that Mick's just an easy target?
SteveOL
Roar Pro
He is a Collingwood premiership coach so, being a lifelong fan, I'll never have it in for him. His rudeness is disgraceful, you'd have to agree. As far as going to Carlton out of spite, you would be clearly in the minority if you didn't agree with that. Clearly.
Darren
Guest
I don't agree Malthouse only went to Carlton to spite Collingwood. In fact I think it is an outrageous claim. I just think you've got it in for him.
SteveOL
Roar Pro
Agenda, Darren? I don't follow. Please tell me where I am wrong in any way. I'd love to hear it.
Darren
Guest
At Carlton only out of spite to Collingwood - and there is your agenda summed up Steve.
SteveOL
Roar Pro
Lingy may well have shown them the way. I'd hope they do show some pills. It's like calling a surgeon "Mister ......". Stuff that. We're Australian. No one is better than anyone else. Including cantankerous old buggers who grew up in a ghetto.
MrFlibble
Roar Rookie
Lisa: Mr. Malthouse, are you an ivory dealer? Malthouse: Well I've had lots of jobs in my day. Whale hunter, seal clubber, coach of the Carlton Blues. And, like most people, yeah I've dealt a little ivory.
Daza
Guest
wouldn't it be good to see one of the jurnos grow a pair and go back at him just as hard!!!! Bullies only bully when no one stands up to them.......I remember watching him on Footy Classified a few months ago and he just spoke down to what is a pretty senior panel of footy people......even Carro just sat there and let it happen!!
SteveOL
Roar Pro
Cheers, Ronan. Can be very interesting but really, all we gave at the end of the day is our reputation. And what is Mick's?
Ronan O'Connell
Expert
Nice piece Steve. Mick can be a very interesting guy when he wants to be but, as you point out, when things aren't going his way he often tries to belittle anyone unfortunate enough to get in his sights. I'm glad Ling fired back at him the way he did.
SteveOL
Roar Pro
I've taught food webs in biology for years mate. Your comment only bamboozled me because it makes no sense and has bugger all relevance to the chip on Mick Malthouse's shoulder.
Axle an the guru
Guest
Exactly that Steve,we are a species of animal that is very closely related to primates. Apex means top of the food chain. I have worked a lot in the zoo world,so i have probly bamboozled you with these comments.
SteveOL
Roar Pro
Mission accomplished. Michael can carry on in the box for as long as he continues to breathe air as far as I'm concerned. Considering he's only at Carlton out of spite for Collingwood makes seeing him internally combust on national TV each week one of life's joys. But he really could, and should, stop being a rude old bullying bastard. As Tom Hafey said, "There are only two free things in life - fresh air and civility."
Ash of Geelong
Guest
The camera's are trained on them every minute of the game waiting for something to happen , the AFL sit by and watch it happen because they want theatre and people talking about it.