Jakeball, by (the fake) Jake White

My name is really Jacob Westerduin, so I am actually more Afrikaans than Victor Matfield, who is part Kiwi, and part traitor.

I won the World Cup, and some of my players helped me win it. I even was able to overcome the attitude of Victor. But that’s normal for me.

I won when I was a high school coach and I won when I was in Australia, even though the entire country besides Canberra loathed me.

I win. I’m winning now, with the Sharks. We beat the Crusaders in their den, on 17 May, 2014, the greatest day in rugby history, after the day I lifted the World Cup and gave it to my team. Also, my birthday is a great day. And the day I lost my vir… well, you get the idea.

I’m lucky, but I’m also good, and I’m not as subtle as some South Africans. I am more of a bludgeoning guy. I speak like Willem Alberts runs. My logic is like Bismarck du Plessis’ fend. Love me or hate me, you will lose to me – and I will tell you why afterwards, and usually you will hate it.

That’s Jakeball.

The question is: Can you and your loved ones learn anything from the way I coach?

The answer is: Yes. The answer is as clear as whether Jean Deysel has ever lifted a weight.

Here is my approach:

• Sound selection policies, effective interpersonal and people management skills, and a sound game plan or strategy.
No – Keegan Daniel because he is light.
Yes – Jean Deysel because he is heavy.
Embrace Frans Steyn and his tantrums.

My game plan has only 3 points: Overpower them, decimate their will, and be big.
• I picked my leadership and management carefully. Then I overpower them, decimate their will.

• I communicate my vision and strategy clearly. I’m trustworthy and open. Much more open than anyone else in South Africa or the Southern Hemisphere; more trustworthy, too.

• In my mind, I am moderate. I am not arrogant. The evidence of that is that I steal from anyone that has a good idea. If a Wallaby can scrum well, I copy that. If a Pom is friendly, I copy that. If an Argentine shows good discipline in a ruck, we look at that. If a New Zealand journalist is objective, we use that in our weekly talk.

• My technical ability is of a really high standard, even when compared globally – or really, especially when compared globally.

• Technical and IQ are important in terms of leadership competencies, but EQ is twice as important as these two factors. How high is my EQ? Stratospheric. 300 or more. I manage myself and my emotions well. In fact, I seem to have this knack, it’s from when I was a young handsome lad, to have the ability to assess my own strengths and weaknesses accurately. Not over-confident, just perfect social skills. And I am a really, really, really good listener.

• I like to learn from Jannie du Plessis. I can sit and listen to him for hours on how to deliver puppies from my Rhodesian Ridgeback, who I named “2007”. My emotional intelligence, in other words, is very high.

• I am loyal to my players, especially or really only in public, even when they are wholly wrong. For example, Victor Matfield was completely out of line – also, Keegan Daniel. I don’t talk to these guys any more, but we are fine.

My mentor is Rod Macqueen. Jakeball is Macqueenball when it grows up.

Like Rod, I look at the big picture. Also, the minutiae. I like to obsess on everything. Like a painter who also designs the building in which the painting sits. I grow the cotton and knit the jersey.

When I am on the training field, I am an observing director. My lieutenants give orders. I cancel them. I replace them. I don’t ever feel threatened.

Heyneke Meyer has his way. I have my way. So far, I have the Holy Grail. He does not. And when he attacked my credibility, using his boy Matfield, I rose above.

Look, I am a rugby revolutionary. I invented Jakeball: a strong set piece and very structured play. No dazzle. No opportunism or broken play. Attacks starts with a formula. Have a framework that frames the work. Work inside the frame.

Rugby is a simple game and my research shows that ever since the cavemen first started tossing eggs around, and dominating their neighbours, two things have remained constant; bigger is better than little and medium is better than small. Also, small is better than tiny.

Dominant forwards and field position win and consequently, 50% of the time in the other guys’ half is better than 49%.

If you want to score tries, be close to the tryline, not far. That’s my way. That’s Jakeball.

That’s exceptional IQ and EG and me and my life and it’s better than DeansBall or DingoBall or LinkBall or BoereworsBall or PDivvyBall or any such copycat form of ball.

And always have the biggest guys, who don’t fetch stuff.

Don’t fetch me things. Dislodge things. Break things.