Where the fck is... Guernsey

The tiny channel island of Guernsey is one of the most important locations in sporting history, being the birthplace of the eponymous item of clothing so central to so many sporting endeavours.

Imagine if in the 15th century, Guernsey had not won a royal grant to import English wool and export knitted goods to Normandy and Spain – today’s AFL players may be wearing Isle of Wights, which would be bound to cause feelings of insecurity.

Besides being the home of football garb, Guernsey is also a British Crown dependency – they simply cannot get enough of that crown. Go a few days without the British Crown and the people of Guernsey, or ‘donkeys’ – yes they are called donkeys – start jonesing real bad.

With a population of around 65,000, Guernsey may seem small, but when you consider how it would look if all those 65,000 people were camping in your backyard, it would get pretty crowded pretty quickly. This is the source of the old Guernesiais saying, “A nice place to visit; not a nice place to be visited by”.

Guernsey is particularly famous for its butter, which is traditionally yellow, although it can be found in other colours if you paint it. Guernsey is also famous as the island on which Victor Hugo wrote Les Miserables, reportedly inspired by an especially melancholy cow whom he had met earlier that day.

Sport in Guernsey
To wear the Guernsey of Guernsey is indeed a major honour. The ‘donkeys in green’ rank third on the tally of medals won in the Island Games, a biennial event in which Guernsey has developed fierce rivalries with proud nations such as the Cayman Islands, the Isle of Man, the Falkland Islands and Saareema. They compete in sports as diverse as athletics, tennis, judo, table tennis, basketball and badminton – aka ‘feather tennis’.

Guernsey also has one of the oldest softball associations in the world. I suppose someone has to. Formally established in 1936, the Guernsey Softball Association proves that when you’re hard enough to live on Guernsey, you don’t need a hard ball to prove how tough you are.

What does prove the toughness of the Guernsey folk is their enthusiasm for motor sport – a brave pastime to undertake on such a tiny island, with the ever-present risk of the cars flying off the cliffs in a comical, Mario Kart style. Another popular sport in Guernsey is geocaching, due to the large segment of the Guernsey population who think they are pirates.

Notable sportspeople from Guernsey include football star Matt Le Tissier, former World Touring Car champion Andy Priaulx, and of course, badminton superstar Sally ‘the velvet shuttlecock’ Podger.

Guernsey at the Commonwealth Games
But perhaps Guernsey’s greatest sporting hero is Adrian Breton, the island’s only gold medallist, who has won three Commonwealth Games medals. He won in 1986, 1990 and 1994 with his rapid-fire pistol, earning him the nickname Adrian “Look out, he’s got a rapid-fire pistol” Breton.

In fact, Guernsey is a strong shooting country in general, possibly due to its people having a lot of scores to settle. Of its six Commonwealth medals, five are in shooting and one is in lawn bowls – which is really just a slower, more lawn-based version of shooting. And though six medals may not sound like much, remember that Guernsey’s population would fit comfortably into the MCG, and let’s see how many Commonwealth Games medals the average MCG crowd could win. Not many, with all those pies they’ve eaten.

Having attended every Commonwealth Games since 1970, Guernsey will no doubt have high hopes at Glasgow in 2014. Their 38-member team is low on numbers but big on heart, well-knitted jumpers and delicious butter. Watch out particularly for marathon runner Lee Merrien, who made the British team for the 2012 Olympics following a Facebook campaign, and will no doubt be doing everything he can to ensure Guernsey’s triumph in all social media-based events in 2014. Also worth watching will be squash champ Chris Simpson, who is a big chance to “squash” his opposition, as I assume all squash people say.

Guernsey Holds the World Record For
Slowest heart ever recorded in a healthy human. That’s true, so you can be sure that at this year’s games, there will be one team who knows how to take it easy.

This article was first published on the Tenplay website here.