Darius Boyd, rugby league and my battle with mental illness

I never thought I’d ever compare myself or find myself relating to Darius Boyd. He is a rugby league player that has always either frustrated or excited me.

I’ve never supported any team he has been associated with, but I’ve always had an admiration for this very talented footballer. The whole dry mouth syndrome towards the media never bothered me, that was just his persona and attitude, and it never hampered my opinion of him.

And I’ve realised why it never bothered me. It’s probably because I am a very introverted person, like him. As outspoken as I am, I’ve never enjoyed a spotlight on me. I hate being called on, whether it be a discussion in a University tutorial or a discussion among family, I’ve always been the shy, introverted person that baffled and annoyed people.

Darius Boyd’s brave step into admitting his problem with depression, and seeking help, has done me wonders. When I first heard the news Darius had admitted himself into a facility, my heart sank.

I had this feeling deep down, that all those actions he had displayed over his career was all relating to his admission.

His actions made me look at myself, and acknowledge I had a problem. I’ve always know about mental illness, I have known many people affected by it, I have lost people from it, and I work with it, being a nurse.

I know the clinical symptoms of depression decreased energy, feelings of worthlessness, constant sadness, being irritable and anxious and feeling nothing at all. I sure know how it can cripple your every piece of existence.

But I could never relate those symptoms to myself, I would shrug off those symptoms as such PMSing, or just being irritable.

However, Darius Boyd’s admission really change my outlook on myself and this awfully crippling disease.

I was told by my doctor, that like Darius I had a differing form of depression called Recurrent Brief depression. That final diagnosis, has made everything make sense. My constant anxiety about the outcomes of the most little and irrelevant things, the paranoia about what people must be thinking of me, the constant feelings of self doubt, and being worthless, the constant feelings of not wanting to exist, and wanting to wake up and be somebody else.

Those crippling feelings of sadness that would make me freeze in certain locations where the only movement are the violent tears rolling down my cheeks. These episodes at times can bring on suicidal thoughts, they at times don’t, but you know you’ve hit rock bottom when those suicidal thoughts don’t alarm you to stand up and act.

My current state of mind, began when I lost someone dear to me, when I was a fairly young kid, the loss rocked my world, and it really screwed me over. Because I never had the knowledge or the capabilities to deal with such an enormous, and devastating loss, so I tossed it to the back of my head, and continued to exist.

I also am a sucker for self doubt, I hate disappointing people, and I hate failing, because it gives people ammunition to put you down. I also crave for perfection, perfection in the mirror, perfection in academia, and perfection in every action I do, each and every day.

That has contributed so much to my current mental state.

The grief from back then, didn’t let me off that easily, it followed me all the way through high school, and it hit me in a very public place, and made me endure a very public emotional meltdown that hit me so hard, it took so long to get back up.

And that meltdown lead to an anxiety disorder throughout my HSC, which lead me to become a very introverted, confused and angry lady. And the only thing that got me through it was rugby league.

This beautiful game has always been a coping mechanism for me, when I’ve been through down periods, a game of league or a South Sydney victory always helped me out of my rut. It was not surprising that it made me take control and realise I needed help, much like Darius did.

Darius’s story really breaks my heart, I’ve learned throughout my study, that behaviours that we display today are often brought upon by past experiences that have a lot to do with our state of mind.

This talented boy has gone through so much, that its so incredible he persevered through all the trauma and fulfilled his dream within rugby league. And it gives me hope, not only for my future but others who suffer this silent disease.

Mental illness is so often associated with certain stigma, that deters people from speaking out and seeking help, and it did so for me too, as crazy as it sounds. I work with this, I see it everyday at work, yet I was too afraid to speak up and get help because I come from a culture that doesn’t understand mental illness is an actual health problem, not something that can be side tracked for just acting like a brat.

Even in this rugby league culture, fans often stigmatise mental illness, and taunt players that they are using this as an excuse to get out of their out of sort behaviours.

Darius’ interview with The Sunday Telegraph, has touched me so deep. His interview will break down barriers, and decrease the level of stigmatisation towards mental illness, by giving the wider community a sense of understanding into his battle.

Personally it gives me hope, that I can one day finally get to the end of unraveling my torment, and like Darius’s wishes, just be able to enjoy life, and smile without any dark tinted thoughts masking that simple smile. I thank Darius for sharing his story, and I pray that he and other sufferers get the inner peace we all crave.