You don't need runs and wickets to be an Australian cricketer

Despite being unable to bat, bowl or field, we’ve learnt that Tony Abbott was still able to get a guernsey for his school cricket side back in the day, thus proving that episodic selection brain farts exist in Australian cricket at all levels.

Politics and malleable rules mean this cricketing nation is one of ever-shifting standards when it comes to picking an XI.

What’s more, just like the absurd case of the PM’s, it’s at the highest level where we are known to select and even retain players that seemingly bring the same attributes as he – that being, relative bupkis in regards to runs and wickets.

To avid observers and unrewarded aspirants who churn out currency, the game’s intrinsic practice of goalpost movement can be altogether frustrating.

On the other hand, if you’re a dreamer on the fringes who’s in the right place at the right time, or just a protected desperado on the inside clinging to your rich contract, it can be the sweetest milk and honey.

In the past, Australia has speared Usman Khawaja because he couldn’t field and then found room to absorb a one-armed Shaun Marsh. Ashton Agar has taken no Shield poles and a cool catch and is back on Test duty, and of course, there’s blokes like Shane Watson.

If you are someone like Khawaja – a man who the selectors simply don’t seem to like – then I’m afraid I can’t help you. In fact, you might as well give it away and play for New Zealand.

For the others, I may have cracked open some of the passenger’s coveted secrets on how you can remain in the forefront of calculations without actually doing anything relevant. All you need is to persevere with my instructions and obtain a compromising photo of a high-ranking official.

If a talent-free Right Hon Tone can get a start in a side, then so can you. Just remember: it’s not all about runs and wickets.

Firstly, one can gain much leverage from being a great team man.

Don’t ask me what this means. It’s indefinable, unquantifiable, and perfect for selectors seeking to vaguely explain another controversial decision regarding a golden child.

Some say it relates to being selfless, such as doing wonderful things like picking up the sweaty gloves of others after a net, or busting your gut turning for a third run for someone other than yourself. Others say it refers to those with the greatest array of gags that can still evoke a laugh when you’re in the field and the opposition is 1/400.

Either way, it cannot be taught, it must come from within, and it can hold you in great stead when you totally suck. So take some tongs to training and start picking up those greasy boxes.

Secondly, you’ve got to be braining anything that moves in the nets.

If your tripe seamers have been debased in the middle for months, or your batting stinks so much that your body would fall in to a fit of spasms if you hit double figures, just make sure you’re a He-Man at practice time. Bowling machine hundies and net five-fa’s are your best friend.

“They tell me he was hitting them beautifully at training” or “He’s been bruising the fingers of our top six at practice” is enough of an endorsement to keep you around, despite not being able to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo when you put on the creams.

Starting to get the drift? Okay, now this one is for the struggling batsmen.

You must focus on being a master of the 30s.

It’s a score that falls in to awkward territory. Sure, it’s not the golden pass mark of the half-century, but it’s also not the axe-sharpening number that unbearably compounds pressure.

30 is the score that temporarily muffles the haters, encourages the supporters and keeps the swinging voter at bay, mainly because it’s a contribution that usually contains a few flashes of sugar that reminds everyone ‘what you’re capable of’.

This score will create the impression that you’ve ‘turned the corner’ while adding weight to the argument that you are ‘getting good starts’. Now you just have to ‘go on with it’, and to do that, you’ll need to be in the team. So you’ll stay.

Bonus life hack: try to parlay your 30 in to a bizarre and/or ‘unlucky’ dismissal, like strangling one down leg-side or being run-out in a confusing mix-up where the majority of blame can be placed on your partner. Executed correctly, it can guarantee your spot for the rest of the series.

Finally, and most importantly, you can’t secrete yourself under the selection panel’s wing forever, so you will eventually have to pay the piper with runs or wickets. Yeah, I know it’s a big ask, but my wisdom can only take you through a couple of summers at the most.

This is where you will value the importance of dead rubbers and freebies.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise; it’s a still a century or a five-wicket haul even though you’re up 4-0 in a five match series. In addition, it’s still a fifty even when coming in at 1/300 with a 600-run lead, and don’t discount that bag of four you picked up on a barely-contained thicket just because it involved the worst nine/ten/jack in cricket history chasing quick pre-declaration runs.

These achievements in low-pressure environments will be graded equally against all others. Additionally, the timing in a dead rubber is impeccable, as it’s a final flourish that books you on the plane for the next tour. Simples!

See? Cricket is easy, especially in Australia. Anyone who says it’s a numbers game is a fool who’s probably been dropped for trying to hang around just by taking runs and wickets.

When you hit a rough patch, this marvellous sport is all about the one-percenters, the intangibles, and in most cases, blackmail. Just like Tony, with the right focus, direction and sledging, you can do it!