KFC Trivia time. In the summer of 2014-15, who’s as popular as a bare thigh on a scalding vinyl car seat?
It’s the Channel Nine commentary team, an answer so utterly obvious in recent times that your prize for guessing is a thimble of potato and gravy and a moist towelette. Congrats, you’re eating tonight.
Yes, everyone’s talking about it – those boys in the box with the dots who have enjoyed a summer of plummeting to new lows in quality, thus causing cricket fans across the land to throw so much shade that they’ve subluxed their shoulders.
After fashioning a nook in the national makeup with decades of cutting-edge yabber, the reigning showpiece lobster of Aussie summer sport is now considered cafeteria slop – mass-produced, carelessly planned and made with a scant regard for consumer taste.
This nosedive in public opinion is a biblical fall from grace for Nine’s Wide World and its flagship cricket production. While once an empire which guided the pack, they are now a public lightpost for every man and his dog’s lifted leg of mockery.
Many scribes on the interweb have articulated their reasons for the fall, some with poetic finery, others with mallets, however all are accurate in their own unique way. After sampling all, it seems there was a common thread for blame.
This was Nine’s commitment to a muscled-up boys club ethos that has eliminated anything in the broadcast relating to cricket, a strategy that has worked for the network on other projects in the past, but in this case only resulted in alienating their undervalued diehards and employing Shane Warne.
Before now, such a slump wouldn’t have been an issue for Nine. For decades, they have been able to freely drop the ball without penalty in their monopolised kingdom, but now with feisty competition from brash rivals and general ‘times a-changin’, this is no longer the case.
As they’ve been complacently navel-gazing, Channel Ten has been at the other end quietly grafting out a creditable innings with comparably less pomp – the unfashionable Chris Rogers to Nine’s Davey Warner, if you will.
Their Big Bash team has spent the summer carving out a new band of followers with their engaging affability. They riff with rhythm and research, and in comparison to Nine, they’re as modest as a pack of nuns.
In addition, they’ve innovated by spicing up quiet periods with live readings of Kevin Pietersen’s book, plus stuck to the game’s basics by pushing their fair share of fried chicken.
Channel Ten’s package has a core focus on cricket and the use of English, all wrapped up inside new-age graphics that pulse with the cool fluoro tones of youth and the balls of AC/DC. Simply put, their broadcast comes with all the promise of a new TV Guide that’s still in the plastic.
So using the logic of us being Australians in Australia, a place where we vote in new governments on the basis that the other one is so shithouse that it must be punished, does this make Ten’s fresh and inoffensive team the new leader in Australian cricket commentary?
It seems blasphemous to even suggest such a thing, but you know it could be the case. I know it feels like leaving granddad at the supermarket, but sometimes tired and incoherent stuff just needs to be let go.
If you’re unsure on the decision, you could remove the spak-filla from your ears and simply tune in to the broadcast of today’s first ODI for a reminder, or just try dipping your toe in to the info superhighway during play.
On form, Nine will need a miracle to stop the ugly noise from the viewership, like an impromptu comeback from Richie Benaud or a power failure.
So has the guard changed in front of our eyes this summer, making Ten the new Nine? Is Mark Waugh the new cranky Chappelli? Damien Fleming the new cooky Warney? Mark Howard and Andy Maher the new footy-centric Brayshaw? Gus the Goose the new Plucka Duck?
Or can Nine hit back hard by getting back to basics – that being cricket – and once again return to being the feeders of this great country’s fixation?
RobC
Roar Guru
kicked away to the Reds again
Dingo Jack
Guest
Can't stand "Rotor Mouth" Mark Taylor. By far the worst commentator of all time! Firstly. he gets twice as much air time as any of the other commentators and then he dominates that segment. He is an expert on EVERYTHING cricket even to the point of telling us what the players are thinking and what will happen next. He is so bad that he makes the other commentators sound halfway reasonable. Mike Hussey is a clone of Taylors and virtually repeats everything already said. Warne repeats himself too often but is still good value. Now if only we could get him to say "Australia" instead of 'Austrya.'!
Don Freo
Guest
I'd say Aussie commentators do sport better than everybody...especially technical coverage. Seven is a world leader. AFL and Olympics in particular.
Tom from Perth
Roar Rookie
Sounds like I'm in the minority when I say I prefer 9 to Ten. Waugh and Ponting have terrible voices. Fleming is okay. Gilly is awesome. But people are forgetting how ridiculous the coverage is - there's a bloody dancing goose when someone scores 40+! Even Gilly harps on about it. Miking up KP is a revelation though. As far as 9 goes, Warne is hilarious and delivers better substantive cricketing commentary than just about anyone. Bill Lawry and Mark Nicholas - yes please. Brett Lee is good. Tubbs, Slats and Healy aren't too bad. They're just blokes. At least they played test cricket unlike a few on the BBL. And it's not like Brayshaw is Danny M.
Don Freo
Guest
Roarers who criticize past stars that are now working as commentators would get sick of him after one year. Anyone established as a regular would bore them. No basis for the judgement...just a limited attention span. Don't bother speaking about Freddie's elocution to these toffee tongued critics...they criticize Australian legends who are sharing great cricket insight just because they don't pronounce the 'g' at the end of a present continuous verb.
Don Freo
Guest
See, that would be funny...checking for HotSpot in that circumstance. Does that make 9 better?
Tom from Perth
Roar Rookie
Dumb comment.
Tom from Perth
Roar Rookie
Clearly Johnno knows an intellectual when he hears one, Don!
Don Freo
Guest
Or Bullock-Sh#*t. Warney is great and loved by most apart from a handful of glass half empty posters. As if you know more about it than Warne does. Geez Ray. One day you'll say something about something you like in the game of cricket.
Ray Bullock
Guest
Humans are human. I would be looking at the producers of the CH9 cricket coverage and seriously challenging their style of putting out what they think the public want. Ch9's commentary is appalling. What on earth do they think that's what the public want. Warne is public enemy No1. Absolutely disgraceful. Do they think no-one has no idea about the game. A diving catch anywhere on the field is as good at Dgrade suburban level as it is at test level. Of course at test level everything is at you at a faster level. But outfield catches, midfield catches are happening every weekend all over the world. Not just at test level. No-one can bat or bowl at test level ,fair enough, thats test cricket. But don't sit there are bullshitting it only happens at tests. The commentary ,yes ,add humour, ,not bullshit.
DeltaTango
Guest
Clarke was shocking. As for the full timers Tubby Taylor, Mark Nicholas and Brayshaw all need to be binned asap. I cannot understand a word Tubby says. Can live with Heals and Slats. Warney legend. Chappeli and Lawry and Beanud are part of the family - not going anywhere.
Shouts Chen
Guest
Could not stand Andy Maher's commentary. All he does was talk dribble all over the place. This is the same as the bogan Brian Taylor and Luke Darcy when he talks rubbish all over the time when the players are playing AFL.
Squidward
Roar Rookie
Surprised no talk of how good Freddie flintoff is. Love his stuff. I've even forgiven him for 2005
Squidward
Roar Rookie
I agree. She knew what she was doing it was part of the act
Jason Gillespie
Guest
Agree re Ponting- I thought he was outstanding interviewing KP. He thoroughly enjoyed it too, he had a smirk on his face most of the time! Big Bash coverage is incredibly popular here in the UK- the commentary is very good and the cricket is entertaining.
Bakkies
Guest
England cricket are doing the best they can to get rid of him. He actually has a good knowledge of other countries players' techniques and styles which Greig added to the commentary. If you watch his masterclass done on Sky he also has a lot of thought in to his batting.
John Rossi
Guest
Channel 9'- do yourself and the cricket loving public a favour and get rid of Brayshaw. Totally nauseating, lacks knowledge and does not know when to keep his mouth shut.
Basil B'borgnay
Guest
did you see this in the delayed coverage? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=036LgIO2_Hc
Frustrated
Guest
There is something about James Brayshaw that lacks credibility. Can't put my finger on it but it is there. One of the worst moments this summer was when Warne and one or two others were discussing who would wear the pink jacket on McGrath day and took more than an over to do so. In the meantime there was a potential confrontation going on in the middle between Kohli and the Australians and the umpires that would have been fascinating to get the team's thoughts but they were too wrapped up in their own jokes. Very poor commentary and producing that was. Brett Lee offers nothing but platitudes and would do well to not attempt comedy. Warne too should leave the funny stuff to others and focus on delivering his great cricket brain. Really enjoy the BB commentary. Fleming, Ponting and Waugh proving very good as indeed are the two broadcasters who know what their roll is. Great to see Network ten at least doing something right.
Don Freo
Guest
What is all this rubbish about class? As for "intellectual ABC", let me reply with, Jim Maxwell? Ha! Ha! Ha! It's a game of cricket. You just been talking about which female commentator is prettiest. Good grief! If your intellect is so high brow, the one thing you don't need is a commentator to tell you what's happening.