Chinese burns for no balls? That's Swann way to do it

Rupert Murdoch seems to have enough money to get by, so I don’t feel too bad about not subscribing to Foxtel. Most of the time.

Occasionally Channel Rupert will have exclusive coverage of something I need to watch – such as the recent Pakistan vs Australia Test series in the UAE – so I’ll be forced to seek out to a decent pub with a plasma, and a similarly tragic mate who’s keen to watch an empty stadium in Dubai for a couple of hours.

But with the current World Cup, the bulk of which is being broadcast on pay TV, I’ve been happy to forsake the pub and tune into the ABC’s digital radio coverage, which has been great.

It’s also featured a range of unfamiliar and interesting commentators, including some characteristically ripe eccentrics from the BBC such as Kevin Howells, a Test match special understudy whose style is strongly reminiscent of Alan Partridge.

But one of the voices I’ve found most interesting has been Graeme Swann’s. The erstwhile England off-spinner – he of the sprinkler dance – was always an entertaining media performer during his playing days, and thus seemed destined for a career behind the microphone once he’d hung up his Oakley sunnies.

In his calls of the early group games he’s revealed himself to be an incisive analyst, as well as a big, entertaining personality.

But at times his slightly caustic take on proceedings – particularly his criticisms of players’ efforts in the field – has brought to mind the messy aftermath of his departure from the England Test team.

In particular, I was struck by his comments during the recent UAE vs Zimbabwe game that no balls are completely unacceptable, and that any bowler guilty of delivering one should be “Chinese burned” by the rest of his teammates.

The remark was obviously made (at least partly) in jest. But his fellow commentator at the time was still surprised enough to ask Swann if he genuinely endorsed this sort of behaviour.

“Oh of course not,” Swann said wryly. “That would be bullying, wouldn’t it?”

This was, of course, an obvious reference to the bitter fallout from Kevin Pietersen’s recent autobiography, in which the controversial batsman claimed that during his Test career there had been a culture of bullying in the England dressing room, spearheaded by a clique of players that included Swann, Matt Prior, Jimmy Anderson and Stuart Broad.

Pietersen claimed that Swann et al had been responsible for verbally abusing teammates who misfielded or dropped catches (something Pietersen was notably guilty of during his international career).

Inevitably, the claims birthed a tawdry media catfight that played itself out in the papers for months, turning English cricket into a bad soap opera, and generating big sales for Pietersen’s book.

Pietersen’s reputation as a loose cannon is well deserved. He was sacked as England captain in 2009 after just three Tests, when he fell out with coach Peter Moores. He was temporarily dropped from the team two years later, after allegedly sending defamatory text messages about his captain Andrew Strauss and coach Andy Flower to members of the South African team. He is nobody’s idea of an uncontroversial figure.

But listening to Swann in commentary, you get the impression that Pietersen might not have been telling complete porkies. Behind the jovial, clubbable demeanour, there’s a slightly domineering quality about Swann that makes you think that life on an England tour might not have been so great if you weren’t part of his ‘gang’.

Fellow players like Chris Tremlett and Steve Harmison have also corroborated Pietersen’s claims to an extent, as has former Australian captain Ricky Ponting.

So is Swann a bully or a good bloke? Is Pietersen a victim or a sook? As with most things in life, particularly in relation to group dynamics, it’s probably a little bit from Columns A, B, C and D. We’ll never know the truth, because the “truth” belongs to the individuals involved.

But having spent a bit of time with Swann lately, thanks to the intimate medium of radio, I wouldn’t like to drop a catch off his bowling. I can feel my arm burning just thinking about it.