Apologies to Australia from a New Zealand sports fan

After a few awkward smiles around the office while some of New Zealand’s finest armchair sportsmen gloat about us being ‘World Cup favourites’ and ‘punching well above our weight’ I feel I need to write an official apology to all Australian cricket fans.

While I’m at it I’ll apologise to the wider sporting community for our conduct in the past.

It’s not that I don’t get the banter – I worked in Australia for three years and loved the back and forward we have as two great sporting rivals.

Glenn Maxwell’s choking taunt to the Eden Park crowd was brilliant interaction because that’s exactly what we were doing. Instead of hating on the guy and abusing him on social media we need to get a sense of humour and laugh about it. He was winding up already stressed supporters and having a bit of fun.

We’ve had so much success recently that we’ve crossed the line. Following this latest cricket win we’re acting like dicks. We need to be very careful about how we conduct ourselves because the glory only lasts so long and licking our wounds is going to sting when we drop a game.

In my apology I’ll let you in on three things you need to know about New Zealand that will help you understand why we act like we do. Hopefully after reading this you’ll be the bigger man (country) when the tables turn one day – hopefully not until after next summer.

1. We’re a small country with a bad Napoleon complex
We’re constantly looking over our neighbour’s fence and measuring our tomato plants with theirs. If our tomatoes are smaller they’re redder or tastier or something else-er. We’re constantly justifying ourselves so we can rest easy that we’re in ‘the best place in the world’.

Whenever some Trip Advisor reviewer says they had a nice time in New Zealand, or a celebrity mentions our country (often prompted by the interviewer), we feel like we need to publicise it so everyone knows exactly why the Foo Fighters love our little slice of heaven.

In the sporting world this is especially prevalent. In the lead-up to the Cricket World Cup ex-players were being interviewed by every sports website known to man. If anyone ever mentioned New Zealand as a dark horse they were under-rating us. If anyone mentioned us as a genuine contender the New Zealand media would edit the quote to say that Rahul Dravid rates us the World Cup favourites.

Forget about the other 200 ex-players interviewed who mentioned the other top seven nations as ‘a chance’, New Zealand got a shout out and we’re going to scream it from the rooftops.

2. We live vicariously through our successful citizens
The very thing that makes successful New Zealanders so likeable is missing in the majority of people who support them.

Lorde winning a Grammy was awesome and she was so humble in her speech, thanking those who supported her along the way. Peter Jackson oozes modesty; he’s just a bloke who made some movies. Kane Williamson, Richie McCaw, Brendon McCullum, Steven Adams, Lydia Ko… the list goes on.

Whenever these people are interviewed they pass on ‘credit to the boys for getting the job done’, or in Lydia’s case she picks up the trophy, thanks the crowd, and jumps on a plane to her next tournament hoping the form will continue.

Don’t you worry though, us New Zealanders will take it from here and celebrate accordingly. One look at New Zealand Herald or Stuff.co.nz will tell you all you need to know. Lydia Ko is better than Tiger Woods when he was 17. Lorde was number one on the billboard charts for longer than whomever. Kane Williamson is a better batsman than another guy who proved himself over a 20-year career.

It’s so bad that I’m really concerned about what’s going to happen if we do end up winning this World Cup as well as the other one later in the year. New Zealand is going to implode, or sink under the weight of our collective heads growing.

3. We’re self-deprecating when things don’t go right
While I was watching Team New Zealand crumble in the America’s Cup I could hear the splash, splash of all the ‘fans’ jumping off the boat-wagon. You’d think that losing all of the dead weight would have made the boat go faster, but no. The New Zealand hate-brigade had fuel and boy did they use it to burn these boats to the ground – it looked like a scene out of game of thrones by the end of it.

We look for reasons to hate when there’s nothing to report on. Lydia Ko was once given a tax-payer funded grant to help her get to tournaments while she was an amateur. Because of slow processing, this was approved after she had turned pro and there was uproar! What Stuff.co.nz forgot to include in their feeding the fire was that she turned it down because she was now earning big dollars.

It’s such a common occurrence in day-to-day life in New Zealand we have given it a special name – Tall Poppy Syndrome. We’d sooner turn on our high achievers than focus positive energy elsewhere.

Erin Molan was on a New Zealand breakfast show on Monday and the host asked her how the Aussie media were reacting. She said “simple, they’re not reporting on it.” Aussie have plenty of other stories to turn to, they don’t need to hate on their heroes until it gets really bad.

While this gives some context, it doesn’t justify our actions at all, so now I must apologise.

Please don’t judge our successful Kiwis on how the less successful act. It’s not them, it’s their supporters. In fact, Kane Williamson was probably walking around the Australian dressing room after the game with an autograph bat, asking Steve Smith or Michael Clarke to demonstrate how they play a particular ball.

He personifies a lot of the traits missing in everyday New Zealanders. He’s constantly learning and doesn’t rest on his laurels. He’d sooner look for the next opportunity to improve himself than bask in the glory of a one-off victory.

(If any rogue New Zealander gets hold of this article, please don’t cancel my passport. Just act cool.)