You know that scene in Love, Actually when Laura Linney’s character gets the tall, dark, handsome colleague back to her place and ducks into an alcove to jump excitedly on the spot? That was me when England got bundled out of the Cricket World Cup.
I’m not Robinson Crusoe on this one. Bagging England is an international sport – one that England could actually win.
For no one laid into the hapless Poms more than the Poms themselves, as a conga line of English players and commentators lined up to have a crack.
Kevin Pietersen and Michael Vaughan, who’ve been banging on for months about the crapness of the English side, nevertheless expressed surprise at the concentrated crapness of this campaign.
“WTF?” tweeted Vaughan after England’s loss to Bangladesh. KP was in such shock his powers of spelling deserted him. “I CANNOT BELIVE THIS!” he tweeted.
Others weighed in. “Pathetic”, they said. “An embarrassment”, “The laughing stock of world cricket”, “Utter humiliation”, “Absolute disgrace”, “English cricket into the sporting sewer”.
All delicious stuff. But the best sledge of all, much like England’s World Cup demise, came from a most unexpected quarter. Japan, a country which has made an art form out of politeness, sent down a toe crusher, inviting England over for a game on their way home.
I must admit that in the frenzy of ridicule that broke out on social media around 11pm on Monday night, I did pause momentarily to ask: is it wrong to take this much pleasure from England’s pain?
But I snapped out of it.
So what is it about the Poms – be it in cricket, football, rugby league, rugger, tennis, hockey, netball, ping pong or any other sport they invented – that makes them such easy targets for parody?
For Australians, it’s a bit of an up yours from the colonial riff-raff for the convict privations, Gallipoli (another disastrous English campaign) and the empire’s general misplaced air of superiority over the past 200-odd years.
Naturally, we’ll take any opportunity to rub their noses in it, knowing that on the rare occasions when the boot’s on the other foot, it’ll be dealt back to us in spades.
And the Poms do bring it on themselves a bit.
Like coach Peter Moores, when asked what had gone wrong, “We thought 275 was chaseable,” he said. “We shall have to look at the data.”
Slice it any way you like, buddy, the data’s going to say you lost.
And here’s why, Pete. You can’t run stats on a team’s ability to rise to a big occasion, its courage under fire, its sense of belief, its ticker or cojones.
As Geoffrey Boycott put it, “I watch the game because I’ve played. I don’t need a computer.”
That’s why Bangladesh is through to the quarter finals and England’s on a plane back home.
Except first they have to play Afghanistan at the SCG on Friday. Which could be one of the most competitive games of the tournament.
Don Freo
Guest
Where have you been, Jimmy B? You must have gone into grieving mode even before the first WC ball was bowled. Perhaps you have the gift of prophecy. You'll be happy to know not one pommy batsman was sledged. They were never out there long enough for any opposition player to be able to compose one...even the quickest thinker.
JimmyB
Guest
The short answer to that question is no. We deserve it and by and large we can take it. England have been simply horrible at this WC and have stunk the joint out. I was at the Bangladesh game and by the end of it when it looked like Buttler might pull a rabbit out of the hat, I actually started thinking that we just didn't deserve to go through. The reaction from the Bangladesh fans confirmed for me that they should be in the quarters and that England should go home. They went absolutely nuts in the best possible way, I'm not sure that they could have been happier if they had actually won the cup itself. England were really poor, but Bangladesh were actually really good and I wish them well for the rest of the tournament. Ps. To Clark above, being called arrogant, soap dodgers or whatever most things that we poms get called I can handle but being labelled bland as a nation is pretty harsh mate, talk about putting the boot in.
Birdy
Guest
Seeing as athletes from Yorkshire alone got more gold medals than the entire Aussie team, male and female, at the last Olympics, I think you need a fact check here mate. Also, if the English rugby team are so bad, after beating the Wannabes 4 out of the last 5 times, what does that make the WBs?
AussieBokkie
Guest
Why did my comment get removed? Too accurate?
AussieBokkie
Guest
The Japanese Cricket Board tweet was unexpected and hilarious!
AussieBokkie
Guest
Haha you're clutching at straws here Birdy. The English are underwhelming at every sport they invented. Cricket is just the most recent in a long list of failures. I couldn't care less about League and agree with your sentiments there, but don't get me started on your rugby team - I'll be shocked if you make the semis this world cup. And you're boasting about the the performance of GB at the Olympics? Really? It's pathetic that you bring four countries together because you know a stand alone England squad wouldn't threaten. Next you'll be boasting about British & Irish Lions victories and claiming Andy Murray as your own.
AussieBokkie
Guest
I think the Love Actually analogy was a good one too. As far as RomCom's go, a bloody good film too. Don't listen to try hard haters Kazblah
Birdy
Guest
Have you found it 'rare' over the last few years AussieBokkie? Three out of the last four Ashes; three out of the last four Rugby Union clashes; the last two Olympics; the last Commonwealth games; any time a 'pom' boxer meets an Aussie........I suppose you must mean rugby 'league' played by a few dozen fat blokes in the north of England or that weird one where a bunch of Jessies in cut-off shirts and little shorts launch 'drop goals' for hours on end - 'Aussie rules' I think it's called. You definitely lead the 'world' in that.
Birdy
Guest
You're right, G. One thing you can say about the Aussies (particularly the Cricket and Olympic teams) is that they're arrogant, up themselves bogans, win lose or draw - they make no distinction in terms of results.
Don Freo
Guest
Yeah...it's a great illustration. It's a great film too. RomComs the way they should be. Great fun, poignant and so relevant it can still be used on a cricket discussion site a decade after it was made. A bit of cultural snobbery there, Pedro. Reject a universally accessible analogy and replace it with exclusive idiomatic terminology. "Schadenfreude" indeed!
Pedro the Maroon
Guest
And James Anderson.
Pedro the Maroon
Guest
I'm still struggling with the "Love Actually" analogy. Does any Roarer worth his salt have any idea what the author is on about? A more fitting analogy would be the schadenfreude we experience when the loudmouth yobba in the crowd gets bumped and drops his schooner - all over his loudmouthed mate. That's the feeling of secret joy wtaching England bumble and fumble their way to another humbling loss.
Don Freo
Guest
C'mon Doc...do the Sprinkler Dance.
Coconut
Guest
Well here is a more positive bit of news for our English friends - when all hope appears lost, just look to your old timers for inspiration: A 95-year-old retired dentist has run himself into the record books. Dr Charles Eugster shaved a massive 2.4 seconds off America's Orville Rogers' existing world record for the 200 metres in his age group of 95-years and over, to set a new time of 55.48 seconds. Dr Eugster, who only started racing last year, said afterwards that "it proved you can set challenges and goals at any age and achieve them", the Independent reports. He also managed to set a British record, as he ran 60m in an impressive time of 15.32 seconds. Dr Eugster has been dubbed 'The World's Fittest Old Age Pensioner'. He is also a competitive oarsman and bodybuilder. So there you have it boys, it appears your old folk were made of much sterner stuff. Chin up lads.
Broken-hearted Toy
Guest
And the sprinkler dance.
AussieBokkie
Guest
From an Aussie living in London, take it from me that it definitely cuts both ways - I've got English mates and colleagues who love any opportunity to throw banter at Aussies every time (luckily it's rare) that England out perform Australia in sport.
Don Freo
Guest
As Debbie Boone sang, " It can't be wrong / If it feels so right..." Good ol" England...They light up our lives.
Don Freo
Guest
And James Anderson.
G
Guest
Anytime I start feeling the tiniest pang of empathy for England I just remember the sprinkler dance. And how they carried on when they were winning. And James Anderson. And Graeme Swann. And Alistair Cook. And James Anderson.
Worlds Biggest
Guest
If the shoe was on the other foot, the Poms would be giving to us in spades. It's all part of the friendly banter. As Will pointed out earlier today, enjoy the banter and humour now as it could be our turn getting bundled out at the group stage at the Rugby World Cup. England have our measure there. Regarding Moores, he did say numerous times that they just weren't good enough. The data comment was in regards to Morgans failures with the bat. Regarding the Japanese Cricket Board twitter, I did find that very funny.