How to crush the All Blacks: Sweep the heart, target Richie

There’s nothing you can know that isn’t known
Nothing you can see that isn’t shown
There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be
It’s easy

So Miley Cyrus will sing in 2017 when she pillages the Beatles’ classic hit and peddles it to an unfamiliar audience.

But will Miley draw the obvious connection between these lyrics and Richie McCaw, on the cusp of being put out to stud in the munificent green meadows of Sporting Legend Land? A low to low/medium chance at best.

Luckily for us, we don’t need Miley to draw the metaphorical connections in our lives, because she wouldn’t have the time even if we did. Instead we can all just agree that the lyrics encapsulate a fitting tribute to an opponent and competitor whose presence in the game over the last decade has inspired some conflicted emotions.

Fortunately for Richie, the story of his protracted farewell across Rugby World™ is not being directed by countryman and cousin/brother Peter Jackson, so we will be spared scenes of McCaw waving from the deck of an Elven ship as it sails from Middle-earth or sharing a misty-eyed moment with Danwise Carter.

Richie has done much himself to puncture the emerging bubbles of hype through natural humility, but at some point soon, simmering expectation is going to boil, irrespective of self-effacement from McCaw.

And when the Dark Lord leads the All Blacks out at Twickenham for the grand final game of the Rugby World Cup, there will be an irresistible vulnerability to the New Zealand psyche.

For when the McCaw narrative is at its most central to the Black Consciousness, when New Zealanders are huddled around their monochrome cathode ray tubes at zero dark thirty, is when the oppressive weight of pressure will come calling like Poe’s Raven.

This pressure is the reason why in over 150 years of global rugby, the All Blacks have won only two World Cups, while Australia and South Africa combined have won twice as many.

Indeed, evidence of New Zealand’s Achilles’ heel – their failure to cope with expectation and pressure – is recurrent throughout the journals, books and microfiche that comprise the Scientific Rugbytology library. In other words, it is a cold, hard, historically supported fact.

1. 1981 Australia versus New Zealand (cricket), third ODI, MCG: “Special Delivery”
With New Zealand needing just six runs off the last ball to tie the match, Greg Chappell knew that the best approach was to apply pressure by asking brother Trevor to bowl the world’s easiest ball. Chappell knew that pressure, combined with the weight of expectation that comes with having a ball slowly and condescendingly rolled down the pitch at them, would cause the Black Caps to implode.

The ploy worked, with batsman McKechnie losing his grip on the handle, sending the bat hurtling into the pitch as he swiped at a delivery that could have been bowled by a five-year-old. The nation laughed and Chappell has been lauded for his clever captaincy decision ever since.

2. 1994, Bledisloe Cup, Sydney: “Gregan’s Immortal Sledge”
While this match is most often remembered for David Wilson’s excellent work around the ruck, what is regularly overlooked is that just four minutes from full-time, a young George Gregan executed a remarkable try-saving tackle on All Black winger Jeff Wilson.

What is even less widely known, is that when Gregan was tracking across in cover, he yelled in desperation to Wilson “Don’t f**k it up, bro!” following which Wilson promptly dropped the ball over the line.

Gregan completed the tackle on a distraught Wilson, and proceeded to use this line successfully on nine other occasions against New Zealand over the next decade, most notably as Carlos Spencer was winding up for a cutout pass in the 2003 Rugby World Cup semi-final. The line has now been retired from competition and is inscribed on a brass plaque under the Gregan-Larkham stand at Canberra Stadium.

3. Men’s 1500m freestyle, 1996 Atlanta Olympics: “Faxed back to Mediocrity”
Alanis Morissette’s massive 1996 smash “Jagged Little Pill” will forever be remembered as the soundtrack to one of the greatest distance swimming rivalries of all time: Barcelona 1500m champion Kieren Perkins versus Kiwi distance swimmer Scott Cameron.

The rivalry was intense, with many analysts giving the nod to Cameron in the run up to the Olympics. But it all came undone for Cameron when, on the eve of the Olympics, he received a stack of “Hero Faxes”, presumably from people who had mailed letters of support to the Wellington Telegram and Facsimile Office. When confronted with the hopes and dreams of his countrymen, Cameron’s form plummeted and he dropped out of medal contention to finish 27th overall.

Perkins swum the race of his life from lane eight, and entered the stands immediately after winning the title to execute a classic fake-out handshake with Cameron, but found only his wife Sam. Nevertheless, Perkins celebrated his second Olympic crown, while Scott Cameron was long-listed as a potential competitor on 2009’s New Zealand Dancing With the Stars, only to lose out to an extra from Shortland Street.

So knowing now for a fact that the New Zealand psyche is vulnerable to pressure and expectation, there is only one way forward for Wallaby fans.

Support the All Blacks.

Repeatedly assure them that they have 2015 Rugby World Cup in the bag, that King Richie hoisting the cup is a fait accompli. Marvel at their impending feat of going back-to-back for the first time in Rugby World Cup history.

Celebrate their ingenuity and creativity as rugby’s trendsetters. Laud the power of the Silver Fern. Do not entertain for a single moment from any of them that an outcome is possible other than New Zealand getting their fairytale ending to a fairytale career.

Fill them up with so much conviction, confidence and support that they are like an overfed Labrador lying prostrate on a road in the midday sun, belly distended and tail gently thumping on the asphalt. This is the time to strike.

Sweep the heart. Target Richie.

As Miley will sing to adoring tweens in 2017, “All you need is love”.