Walla-Be prepared: An Aussie fan's guide to preparing for the World Cup final

You constantly hear players and coaches talking about how crucial preparation is in the lead-up to big matches. Well, as all seasoned couch surfers and remote jockeys know, it’s just as important for fans.

Particularly fans who have to wake up at three in the morning to watch the Rugby World Cup final. The only reason we knew there was a three in the morning was because of the Ashes earlier this year.

But we at The Roar are here to help. We’ve mapped out the essential things for all fans to do over the next few days to make sure they’re adequately prepared for the Rugby World Cup final.

After all, the Wallabies aren’t going to support themselves. They’re too busy supporting their own bodyweight at the breakdown, legally.

So first things first: a checklist of the things you’ll need and the actions you’ll need to take to be prepared to be prepared.

After all, preparation for preparation is equally key as preparation itself.

The essentials

1. A well-stocked fridge and cupboard
It goes without saying that you will need plenty of your favourite beverages, both alcoholic and not-so alcoholic, to keep your performance up for the entire week.

Hydration is key. Don’t let your performance be hindered by dry lips or sleep. Get down to the local supermarket and bottle-o ASAP.

Similarly, appropriate sustenance must be acquired at a similar outlet. In light of the recent announcements by the World Health Organisation, we recommend beef jerky and other delicious salted and preserved meats, just because you don’t get told what to do by no people in lab coats, damn it. Biltong is encouraged.

Other options include crisps (whether they’re fancy or not comes down to budgets and personal taste), dip, crackers, toasted sandwiches and pieces of celery and carrot cut into tiny sticks just to pretend we’re being healthy here.

2. The right kit
You can tell a lot about a real supporter by the kit they’re wearing.

This will differ depending on where you’re located, and the forecasts at the time.

Generally, hotter climates will require thongs, shorts and a Wallabies t-shirt/light jersey. Colder will require a Wallabies jumper, scarf and beanie, along with green, gold or green and gold trackpants and socks. Shoes are optional, but if you’re not in the home, advised.

Wallabies approved merchandise is preferred. Yellow is unacceptable (you listening Quade?) – all non-Wallabies branded items must be gold. Yes, there’s a difference.

3. Your voice
It’s tempting to rant, scream and rave at your friends and co-workers all week. Resist said temptation.

You will need your voice during the game. People will tell you the Wallabies can’t hear you through the TV. Those people are idiots.

Your nervous energy will try to tell you differently – it will try to tell you to celebrate wildly when Argentina score a try in the third-place playoff, or when you nail that ‘nectarine seed into the bin’ jump shot at work.

Ignore it. Silence is the best course of action here. Save it for the Wallabies.

4. Take leave
Thursday, Friday and Monday should all be taken off. If you can get out of using annual leave, do it. The more creative the sickness, the more hypothetical awesomeness points you will be awarded.

Though if the Wallabies win, we imagine old Malcolm might have a thing or two to say to employers about a public holiday.

But stocking the fridge and applying for leave don’t begin to cut it as preparation for a World Cup final.

There are steps you need to take each and every day to ensure your viewing is as good as it can be. You want to be at your peak when the time comes.

Thursday
Thursday is when we do our video session.

First of all, switch the channel to Fox Sports 502. If you don’t have Foxtel, tell your friend to give you the logins to their Foxtel Go account, and switch that on. If you don’t have friends or Foxtel… well then you’re in a lot of trouble, because it’s daytime shopping TV for you.

Once it’s on 502, leave it there. You will not have to change the channel on your television for any reason for the next seven days. If at any point you are tempted, take your right hand, lift it to about 30cm from the left hand side of your face, and draw it swiftly to the other side, connecting with your cheek on the way through. A loud slapping noise will tell you that you’ve executed this manoeuvre successfully, and you should have had some sense knocked into you.

Watch every single Rugby World Cup special on that day. Do not stop, for any reason, other than to avoid bedsores and to maintain general hygiene and hold off starvation.

Going to the fridge is acceptable. Recommended beverages include craft beers drunk slowly, or a nice pinot noir, consumed with much sucking of teeth. Maybe an apple? Now you’re watching rugby.

From 7pm, get a beverage from New Zealand (Otago pinot comes recommended, as does Lemon & Paeroa).

At this point, you will be doing your research on the opposition, as there are replays of every game the All Blacks have played this World Cup on until about 11pm.

Do this, then go to bed. You’ve got a big day ahead of you tomorrow. You’ll need your strength.

Friday
At this point you will be required to watch every single Wallabies game from 2015. The win over the All Blacks in Sydney requires a double rewatch. It was that important.

Do not, under any circumstances, watch the Eden Park return fixture. It was a meaningless Test match, outside of Rugby World Cup or Rugby Championship competition. It barely counts.

Our recommendation is a breakfast of tea and muesli, and then a day on your preferred social network medium, tweeting or facebooking your insights into the Wallabies’ wins gone by. Lunch is the biggest sandwich you can make or buy.

Good training equals good performance. The best way to train for the Wallabies winning is to watch the Wallabies win.

This should take you right up to bed time. At that point your loved ones will wonder after your sanity. Calm them down by sharing how many retweets and likes you got that day.

Saturday
Set the alarm for 7am AEDT, because that’s when the third place playoff is happening. Coffee will be required.

If you don’t choose to watch this, how can you congratulate your South African or Argentine mates on their third place at the Rugby World Cup? It’s a great achievement, though not as good as second or first. Remind them of that.

Then after you’ve reminded them of that, text every English, Irish, Scottish, French and Welsh person you know to ask when the fifth place playoff starts. Make the obligatory Six Nations joke at this point.

Saturday’s main job is the captain’s run. Gather your whole team, all your mates, and drink one beverage of your choice. The key here is keeping things normal.

Think back to what you did before last week’s Wallabies game? Was it a beer? How did it go down; fast or slow? The key is to make sure the preparation for this game is as normal as you possibly can.

Do not, we repeat do not, go out and purchase a brand new type of beer, or worse, an entirely different category of drink. Winning is about process. Repeat the process that has worked for you. Repeat the terrible jokes you used last week, if you can remember them.

After the captain’s run, a light re-watch of last night’s magazine shows from Fox Sports, then the final preparations.

From 10-11pm AEDT, there is a replay of the semi-final between Australian and Argentina. Watch it. It’s part of your duty.

At this point the path diverges. You can choose to sleep, or choose to stay awake. One option will require mates and a fully stocked fridge, because you can’t do this by yourself. You need your teammates there to win a World Cup.

The other will require nothing but a warm bed and something to clear your mind. A tape of John Eales endlessly repeating those glorious words should do the trick.

“David Pocock. David Pocock. David Pocock.”

So soothing. You’ll be nodding off in an instant.

But you’ll need something to calm you down. A cup of hot cocoa, maybe Irished up with the quintessential Australian spirit Bundy Rum, should do the trick.

Good night. David Pocock. Sleep tight. David Pocock.

Zzzzz.

Sunday morning
Assuming you chose to sleep, set the alarm for 2:10am AEDT. Set another alarm for 2:15am AEDT, and then one every five minutes to ensure you don’t miss this thing.

If you chose to ride it out for the night, good on you. You are a truly committed fan, or just truly committed to late night drinking sessions. You probably won’t remember much of this.

Every pre-game warm-up means getting those thumbs loose, so do some gentle wind-up texting to your Kiwi mates, just as a precursor to the main action.

Gentle nudges like “nervous yet?” or “I hear Richie pulled a hammy in the warm-up” will do the trick nicely. Save your more pointed efforts of “bad luck, champ”, or if you’re really daring “four more years” for after the game.

At this stage, a caffeinated beverage is required to ensure alertness is achieved for the entire game. Then, and only then, may you drink a beer or cordial, because it’s time to get rowdy.

Your throat needs to remain well lubricated through the game. If you’re with friends, this shouldn’t be a problem, but for the lone viewer it is an omnipresent danger. Be aware of this, and also try to moderate volume, as sometimes you don’t know how loud you scream until your wife/husband/children/flatmates/parents come down, ask who’s winning and tell you politely to please shut the hell up.

There are a few things you need to be aware of:
– The ref is never on your side. Ever.
– Richie McCaw is always offside.
– No one hits harder than Michael Hooper.
– Ma’a Nonu used to wear eye makeup on the field (that’s quality text banter).
– Australia’s scrum is good now.
– The haka is still awesome.

Aside from that, trust that the preparation you put in over the last couple of days will get you over the line.

You put the work in. You know when to cheer. You know when to cry. You know when to yell “Big dog come to eat” like Jarryd Hayne inexplicably did that time; never.

Trust in your preparation, and the result will take care of itself.

Now… to the celebratory part.

Beverages:

If the Wallabies win
Pop the corks, it’s bubbly time. Australian, not French, and definitely not Kiwi. Passion Pop definitely acceptable

Non-alcoholic alternative: Some fancy cordial mixed with soda water. Elderflower comes to mind.

If the Wallabies lose:
Red wine – fine South Australian shiraz for drowning sorrows.

Non-alcoholic alternative: Ribena. Lots of it. Bathe in it. And cry.

There you go, Wallabies fans. Your ultimate guide to enjoying the week of the Rugby World Cup final. Now the ball is at the breakdown, and you’re the only one with the quad strength to pilfer it.

Go forth and David Pocock.

Plan ahead for Sunday morning – visit your local Cellarbrations, The Bottle-O, or IGA Liquor and take advantage of the great specials to help celebrate Rugby World Cup history. And remember, always celebrate responsibly.