It’s coming into that beautiful time of year again: March. All the international cricket is over, the Big Bash League is well and truly in our rear-view mirror, and no one gives a rat’s about the World T20.
It’s time for every grade and park cricketer to concentrate on finals.
I am most likely going to be dropped from my Canberra fourth grade side, not for the first time, mind you – such is the nature of grade cricket. But I’ve done my best to compile a list of the dos and do nots for you to keep in mind when you cross the white line over the next month or so.
Do – compete
Give it everything, there’s nothing like winning a final. Even if it’s fifth grade, masters, subbies or premier, winning a grand final will bond you closely with 10 or 11 other blokes for the rest of your life.
Guaranteed at presentation night in 2026 you’ll be looking forward to exchanges such as: ‘Remember that screamer Thommo took at second gully?’ ‘Not as good as the one he held on to in town that night!’
Do not – change any of your usual routines
If you don’t do fielding drills before a game in Round 4, don’t do it on semi-final day. Make sure you replicate whatever you’re doing when you’re winning.
Wear your usual game-day jocks, eat your usual game-day breakfast, have the usual three to four beers the night before if that’s what you usually do. There’s no point trying to fix what isn’t broken.
I once played with a man who would drink a bottle of red wine the night before a day of cricket as preparation, and one after the game as recovery. Needless to say when we had a two-day round game on the Saturday and the one-day semi-final on the Sunday he had to sink two bottles on the Saturday night.
He scored 237 runs total that weekend.
Do – spend the evening with your teammates, Win, lose or draw
I’ve definitely lost more finals than I have won. But I can honestly say I enjoyed the night after all of those losses – almost – as much as the wins.
Sit around and rib your mate for the catch he dropped or simply talk about what you’re going to do differently next time to deal with their spinner. It’s guaranteed to keep your team together and hungry for the next chance.
Do not – blame the pitch, or the umpire
Even the team that’s scraped into finals can beat the undefeated powerhouse come finals time, it just happens that way. Even the bloke averaging 68.39 can get a duck. Don’t blame external factors, it’s just cricket. That’s why we hate it, that’s why we love it.
Do – wear your club hat
And shirt. If you don’t own a hat, get one. There’s nothing worse than winning the cup getting up and about for your team photo and there’s one bloke wearing a Von Dutch trucker hat.
Note: White, Chappell broad-brimmed hats are obviously acceptable
Do not – sledge the 15-year-old batting at three
He’s batting at three for a reason. You might bowl five yards quicker than what he gets in juniors, but he’s batting there for a reason and you do not want to give him a reason to make you regret the sledge.
On top of that, if you’re a 34-year-old teacher, or financial planner, why are you sledging a kid in the first place?
Do – sledge the 20-something batting four with his head in the clouds
You’re going to come across this bloke. He’s a real zero or 50 type operator. When he wafts at one outside off, displaying the footwork of a rugby prop, the obligatory ‘to the first tee please’ sledge should be implemented.
Do not – complain to your captain
This isn’t juniors anymore, not everyone’s going to get a bowl and some people are more suited to going fine-leg to fine-leg. It’s the end of the season, suck it up. At the end of the day, you win together or you lose together, you’ll be wearing the same medal as him at the end of the day and three beers in you’re not going to care, I promise.
Do – have a beer (or a softie) with your opposition
Cricket is a gentleman’s game, and while we might not always act that way out in the middle, it’s important to pay the game the respect it deserves.
Your rival club loves the game just as much as you do, and they wanted to win just as much as you did. So win, lose or draw, shake hands, have a yarn and leave with a ‘See you next year fellas’.
Paul Potter
Roar Guru
On a serious note I'm looking forward to more of your articles Edison.
Paul Potter
Roar Guru
Good article. I've got the transcript of a retirement conference of an amateur tragic player for you: Hello ladies, gentlemen and journalists. I have called this press conference to announce my season-long break from two-day cricket. Please hold your questions. I realise that 25 is a young age to be announcing my retirement from two-day cricket, but this has been enforced on me by the fact I will not be picked in a competition involving two-day cricket next season. I would like to get away from the game by checking my Facebook feed full of cricket stories, reading the autobiographies of Ricky Ponting and Stephen Waugh, playing beach cricket and generally avoiding doing anything that might be considered the activities of a half-way normal human being in among “working hard” to be in a position where I might be picked for a two-day match next season. I’m certain this will provide greater balance in my life – instead of holding a cricket ball in one hand and a cricket bat in the other, I will instead endeavour to have a beer in one hand, a Player’s cigarette in my mouth, a book in my other hand and a mobile phone in front of me at all times. This retirement will be rigidly enforced – provided no one tries to contact me through any telecommunications device invented in the last 500 years and says, “Maaaaaate…” I’d like to thank Dipper for all the rides he gave me over the years. It’s a cliché but I wouldn’t have been anything without him – literally nothing, considering I wouldn’t have been at the ground. I’d like to thank my car for all the times it broke down and demanded petrol, instead of just working out of pure happiness to be my slave. I’d also like to thank my long-time supporters, The Telegraph. I owe so much for the person I am today – something they remind me of when they tell me to pay my long outstanding bill.
DingoGray
Roar Guru
"Do not – sledge the 15-year-old batting at three He’s batting at three for a reason. You might bowl five yards quicker than what he gets in juniors, but he’s batting there for a reason and you do not want to give him a reason to make you regret the sledge. On top of that, if you’re a 34-year-old teacher, or financial planner, why are you sledging a kid in the first place?" The kids playing a man's game now....Get the hairdryer out!