NRL: Not yet national, but should be global

It’s been a week since Super League suffered its now annual bout of arse spanking from the colonials, and not long to go now until the main competition itself starts up.

Despite living on the other side of the world, I take a keen interest in the Rabbitohs, admittedly enticed by one Mr Crowe and his semi-comprehensible rhetoric, plus the Burgess Gods. But there are far more astute and intellectual bodies capable of running detailed articles analysing each side’s chances of victory, so I shall use this to do what I do best – moan and swear.

The NRL, for all its faults, is a comparatively brilliant competition when displayed next to Super League, which, let us not forget, was only founded as a result of the Super League War in Australia. Australia cannot hide from the fact that it is the leader in the sport, and I believe the nation as a whole is at a crossroads and must make a key decision.

Australian culture is undoubtedly unique and brilliant, but must choose whether or not to align itself closer with the sports-franchising, president-electing, gay-bashing, Indigenous-trampling culture found in the United States, or to reaffirm its multi-fathomed connections with the Commonwealth. They could do this by upholding the glories of monarchy and trusteeship representation, respect and, this is the key when it comes to sport, promotion and relegation.

This may seem like ranting, confused pre-amble, but there is a point. I believe that there should be one global rugby league, and it should have promotion and relegation. There would be three divisions of 12 teams, with the top tier maintaining the soon-to-be introduced salary cap of £5.5m (£66m used up). The second division would have a cap of £4m (£48m), with division three on £2m (£24m).

This does require an additional £39m to what Australian broadcasters are currently putting in, but with it being global, the UK would provide its £33m share, with £6m easily available from other parts of the world.

A global league is maintainable. For those that would bemoan the transportation, finance is no issue what with the mega millions, and from a logistical point of view, I have touched upon it in a previous article in which sides hopping hemispheres would play stints of games in blocks, staying in that country for the duration. It happens all the time in North American sport, with minimal controversy.

So now that it is possible, why should it be done? Apart from the fact that it not only presents practically free expansion opportunities and subsequent financial incentives, it helps boost the popularity of the game both globally and domestically.

The top tier would be comprised nine Australian sides and three English to begin with, with a two down, two up system of promotion andamp; relegation. The second tier would contain a Kiwi side, eight Australian and three English. The third tier would have four Australian, two Kiwi, a Canadian, French, Papua New Guinea and three English sides.

Division 1:
North Queensland, Brisbane, Melbourne, Easts, Canterbury, Cronulla, Souths, St George, Canberra, Leeds, St Helens (Merseyside), Wigan
Division 2:
Parramatta, Penrith, Wests, Newcastle, Gold Coast, Auckland, Manly, Illawarra (split off from the Dragons), Central Coast, Hull FC, Huddersfield (Kirklees), Warrington
Division 3:
Perth, Adelaide, Darwin, Tasmania, South Island, Wellington, Papua New Guinea, Canada, Catalans (France), Castleford, Hull KR, Salford

If anyone disagrees with the makeup of this structure, please feel free to send me death threats in the comments below.

As numerous Australian coaches that toured England pointed out, ‘trial matches’ Down Under would draw crowds far superior to those currently seen in the regular season, so with all the hype and fanfare of foreign visiting sides, Australian attendances would increase. Likewise for England.

And as you have seen, the game presents a glorious opportunity to allow for expansion, as well as the introduction of promotion and relegation into the Australian sports system which would be unique at the moment. But the system would not be limited to division three. There would be regional leagues providing the opportunity for promotion and relegation.

For example:
Northern League: Widnes, Wakefield, Bradford, Leigh, Sheffield, London, North Wales, South Wales, Newcastle, Cumbria, Toulouse, Halifax
Southern League: Fiji, Samoa, Central Queensland, Mackay, Cairns, Newtown, Counties Manukau, Wai-Coa-Bay, Northern Swords, Wentworthville, Ipswich, Alice Springs

Death threats apply as before.

Please don’t take any notice of this as I am a ridiculous ranting maniac on the other side of the world, thinking this could work, but of course it can’t, because rugby league and half-glass-empty and bloody Murdoch and damn Vichy France and god damn union and the rest of it. Just know that if I win the lottery any time soon, this is the fate that awaits you all.