THE BACK ROOM: Behind the closed doors of the All Blacks

The Roar has obtained an exclusive and completely fabricated look into the inner workings of the best team in rugby, the All Blacks, set in a Durban toilet.

HANSEN: Right then, come on in boys

MIKE CRON: Man this is choice eh. It’s like being at the bottom of ruck in here; smelly, dirty, can’t leave until you clean it out while trying to make sure your hands don’t….

HANSEN: Yes, all right Crony, I think we get the picture…

SMITH: Did anyone check the room for bugs bro?

Hansen stares at the toilet seat

HANSEN: Ahhh…I think that we can assume the place is loaded with bugs.

CRON: Needs real professionals you reckon? Need the Anti-Terrorist Unit do we?

HANSEN: Well now I never thought of it that way, but the only terrorism that has been going on around here lately is someone recording what’s going on inside the cubical then dropping a media bomb to making a buck.

CRON: Cashing in on the All Blacks, ruining people’s lives. Who the hell are these people anyway?

SMITH: Ahhh I think they’re called the media

CRON: Why are we in here anyway Shags?

HANSEN: So certain players know this one is already occupied, got it. And that’s enough of the ‘Shags’ boys. They’ll be no more shaggin’ stuff in here got it? And cut out the toilet humour. Where the hell do you think we are?

Cron, Foster, and Smith glance around the room

HANSEN: Yep that’s right fellas, an international airport. We need to set an example. PC has become an international neurosis with no cure in sight.

SMITH: Donald Trump?

FOSTER: Hey remember the great DC? Rhymes with PC eh

CRON: And AC/DC too eh bro

HANSEN: Great band those boys, they remind me of me.

SMITH: What do mean by that exactly? AC/DC? Please explain!

HANSEN: I mean, that like me, they kick ass

FOSTER: Whew, I thought you were saying you’re Australian?

HANSEN: They’re Yanks not Aussies

CRON: Aussies bro, Aussies

HANSEN: No? Really? You sure about that? Okay, now I can’t stand them.

SMITH: Actually they’re Poms – Pretend Aussies really

FOSTER: Yeah, yeah, close to being like Phar Lap eh

CRON: Yeah mate, like buying a Ferrari out of a paddock in Italy, then shipping it over to New Zealand and claiming it’s a born and bred kiwi made car bro.

HANSEN: Exactly. So Poms eh… well now I totally hate them with a passion so hard it makes my blood curl. I’m going to smash all my old CD’s, and that’s it fellas, no more “air guitar” in my undies in my hotel with the door open.

SMITH: Well at least that will stop the players waking up positively sick in the morning. Come to think of it boss, you sure you weren’t in South Africa in 1995?

HANSEN: No but apparently they had some bugging problems.

SMITH: Yeah back then they needed “Suzie” our new de-bugging robot

CRON: Sorry to interrupt coach, but just before you really get carried away, the Poms beat the Wallabies three nil.

Big pause

HANSEN: Like I said boys, I’m going to offer my daughters hand in marriage to Angus. I will turn my bungalow into an AC/DC shrine. and from now on its “air guitar” in the full-monty.

SMITH: Okay, but we need a 24 hour notice so I can come up with a defensive strategy or there’ll be injuries in the crush to get to lift.

Suddenly the walls start shaking violently

SMITH: Holy crap it’s an earthquake. Sure we’re not still in Christchurch?

FOSTER: Hey are we sure Aaron Smith got on that plane?

Suddenly everyone freezes

SMITH: Don’t worry everyone, I made sure he was wearing a Wallaby jumper with 10 on the back. The ABs have nothing to worry about.

HANSEN: Good thinking. Another brilliant defensive strategy Smithy.

Suddenly, there is knock at the door – they all freeze – Hansen looks at his watch

HANSEN: It’s okay, I think it’s Grant Fox.

Cron opens the door – sure enough, it is Fox with a shopping trolley full of bundles of printed material

FOX: Hi guys, just wanted to drop off that list you asked me to make boss of sportsmen and women who have committed infidelity while on tour.

SMITH: Are you serious? That’s the list? All those books full of it? You gotta be kidding?

FOSTER: What? They all got caught?

FOX: Nah mate, got this lot off some bloke staying in the Ecuador Embassy in London. I got the “caught list” right here in my pocket

He pulls it out

HANSEN: What? A single sheet of toilet paper?

SMITH: Kind of appropriate really.

FOX: Anyway, I have to go.

HANSEN: Go? Where?

FOX: Ahhh I have a hot date Shags

FOSTER: Well that’s a relief. I thought it was the end of shaggin’