THE BACK ROOM: Eden Park prep-talk

By Fox / Roar Guru

The Roar has obtained an exclusive and completely fabricated look into the inner workings of the best team in rugby, the All Blacks, as they prepare to face the Wallabies.

HANSEN: Welcome everyone. Well, fellas, I have some distressing news before we play that team in the lovely canary gold at ‘The Park.’

CRON: Yeah reminds me of my kids’ yellow Tonka Toys. Great to play around with for a while before you’ve had enough with them not being the real thing, and realize it’s time you put them away.

FOSTER: Yeah, usually after about the 60-minute mark I find Crony.

HANSEN: Anyway, I have some news fellas…I’m going to ask Eddie Jones out on a date. Dutch of course. Share some laughs about beating the Wallabies.

FOSTER: Trade ideas eh Shags?

HANSEN: Ahhh, no Fosts, we just scored 38 tries in the Rugby Championship, more than the other three teams combined. How many more ideas do we need to beat this current Wallaby lot?

SMITH: Yeah but you gotta love the irony huh. Australia gave Jonesy the onetime boot, and he gave them the three-zip stomp. That’s poetry that is. Still, I gotta say three-zip just doesn’t seem that special to me.

HANSEN: Well here’s the thing fellas, what’s really special for England, just ain’t that special for us. I mean beating the Wallabies? It will be three-nil for us coming up at the world’s only true rugby fortress on Saturday lads.

SMITH: Yeah some fortress Twickenham turned out to be for England at the World Cup, eh boys? They needed the third little piggy as a coach to stop from getting blown over.

FOSTER: He was coaching Japan.

SMITH: Yeah and Australia’s so-called fortresses are like a Claytons Fortress ‘the fortress you pretend have when know you don’t really have a fortress’.

HANSEN: Eden Park ah yes, that hallowed ground. Bledisloe’s in the locker. We’ll just have a bit of fun I reckon. Bit like playing, oh I dunno…

SMITH: Italy?

CRON: You know boss I was thinking…

HANSEN: Stop right there, Crony. You’re the scrum coach. An honorary member of the front row club. You know what too much thinking does to you blokes.

SMITH: Yeah, look what it’s done to Phill Kearns. He’s living proof front rowers should never be allowed to start thinking. He’s got stage-three ‘Blame the Referee Syndrome’.

HANSEN: Yep, any more thinking from Kearns and he will end up like Cheika – stage-four, and terminal.

CRON: Hey Shags, you could say you and Jonesy beat Cheika to a pulp with tactics on the field, and then battered him to a soft melon with words off it.

FOSTER: Bit like his team eh boss, really-thin skinned. I mean putting ‘physicality’ in the same sentence as the Wallabies is like saying a cream puff is made from beef stock.

SMITH: Not sure about that Fosts, apparently they’ve been boot camp training in leotards to Olivia Newton John’s ‘Let’s Get Physical.’

CRON: That’s… I mean that’s, well… that’s… anyway, they can’t even say the name the All Blacks. Cheika thinks it has some psychic power from the Twilight Zone.

SMITH: Well our rugby is kinda like from Star Wars . And I mean c’mon guys, think about for a second. Don’t you think Shags looks a bit like Jabba the Hutt?

HANSEN: Who? Top-looking fella I take it?

(awkward pause)

FOSTER: Okay, fellas, getting back to Shags news. I think you just crossed the line there meeting up with Eddie boss. He’s Australian. Dinner with one those types? Seriously bro?

CRON: So was Mick Byrnes and he was all right, eh?

(Hansen begins pacing angrily around the room)

HANSEN: Byrnes you say? He’s a traitor! He crossed over to the dark side. He’s history. We put him on the map in rugby. We gave him everything. We even let it go that he came from…from…you know that place…that rugby wasteland across the ditch…the land ruled by that…that no good Cheika.

FOSTER: But he played AFL didn’t he?

HANSEN: That’s the only reason we hired an Australian Fosts. He wasn’t an ex-Wallaby so we knew he’d have some skills.

CRON: Yeah, bet they’re torturing him right now to reveal all our training secrets.

SMITH: Apparently they’re forcing him to try and teach the Wallabies kicking and passing skills.

HANSEN: Oh god no, he’ll be singing like a canary by the time they reach Eden Park. Do they have no mercy for one of their own?

FOSTER: Ummm, on a lighter note boss, I see the Aussies like Rod Kafer and Phill Kearns think we’re getting too big for our boots eh bro.

HANSEN: Sorry who? Do I know these people? Should they matter to me? What do they look like?

SMITH: Like ex-Wallabies – depressed.

HANSEN: Oh right, yes well, there’s a lot of Xs about the Wallabies. Ex-World Champions, ex-Bledisloe Cup holders, ex-Rugby Championship holders, loads of recent ex-coaches, full of ex-Kiwis…

FOSTER: Hey boss, you forgot Aron Smith, he’s heading for the X Club.

(Hansen frowns at Foster)

SMITH: Yeah brave lad that boy, could have stayed in South Africa and faced the ferocious Boks back row at home bashing him up in the contact area, but instead chose the missus back home bashing him up in his critical area.

CRON: Yeah, simply no training for that kind of onslaught. Mind you, didn’t see much of the of their back row last Saturday eh. Come to think of it, did the Springboks actually turn up?

FOSTER: No, just some guys from the local club wearing green T-Shirts giving us the finger in a training run.

(Loud convulsions of laughter all round)

HANSEN: Hah, ha, and they think we’re getting too big for our boots.

SMITH: They couldn’t even score a try my defensive tactics were so good.

HANSEN: Hah, hah, ha, I know Smithy, and they think we’re getting too big for our boots.

CRON: It was nine tries to nil, and we weren’t even at full strength boss, I mean who were we playing, Russia?

HANSEN: Hah, hah, hah, ha, man and those clowns think we’re getting too big for our boots.

SMITH: Yeah and we had the Championship in the bag with two games to go with every game bonus point wins. Never been done before lads.

HANSEN: Hah, hah, hah, hah, ha, man, I think I’m going wet myself. Anyone got a spare big boot?

CRON: We equaled the record for consecutive wins with 17, going for the new record at Eden Park against… haha… against the Wallabies… I put the Champagne order in already.

HANSEN: Hah, hah, hah, hah, hah ha – hey French I hope buddy, enough to fill up them big boots of ours, hah ha. Oh stop it, I’m heading for a coronary at this rate.

FOSTER: Shall I get the team doctor?

HANSEN: I mean our boots are so big right now you need to be Godzilla to be too big for them right fellas, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hah, hee, hee, hah hah… Okay fellas repeat after me “We’re the greatest sports team in the history of the World.”

(They all fall on the floor in fits of laughter)

HANSEN: Oh god, I think I’m swelling up with laughter. Hey Crony get over here and help me take off my boots before it’s too late! Hahahah… No no, actually leave them on bro, so that on Saturday I can give Cheika one of my big boots!

The Crowd Says:

2016-10-22T05:54:36+00:00

RT

Guest


B

2016-10-19T10:53:03+00:00

Xiedazhou

Guest


Are your replies to Ads, trumpeting the quality of your Top 500 education, satirical?

2016-10-19T08:28:47+00:00

Boomeranga

Guest


Are your Aussie mates really rolling around laughing at Wog Boy? That's like me saying kiwis still grow moustaches and prefer to wear brown, because, you know, they did in 1970.

AUTHOR

2016-10-19T07:14:19+00:00

Fox

Roar Guru


It is clear that you know very little about tertiary education There is nothing smug about saying the lecturers i had overall were better - as a student of both an Australian and NZ university I think I have very right to make comparisons as any student would and does - and I did point out the Australian university was still a good institution. Good universities can make difference sure, but a great student will make more difference that is my point there. Ask any lecturer anywhere in the world they will agree. So no it is not having a bet both ways at all Anyway yes this is getting boring so at least we concur on something

2016-10-19T05:55:25+00:00

Ads

Guest


My point about vet science was that: a) the vet science dept is part of Massey (and therefore) already included in the overall low ranking Massey has b) If we agree that the vet program is the bees knees, this means other faculties (maybe like School of English & Media Studies) are even poorer to produce the low ranking - i.e. supportive of my criticism. c) Relevance - Monash might have the world's best basket weavers. Who cares? It's a pretty straightforward, simple, logical argument you have failed to grasp. Ha, well the Massey Scholar thing might be more impressive if Massey itself was more impressive. This bit reminded me of that Darth Vader lego skit on the death star. "Do you know who I am?" You were the one who has repeatedly claimed to be better educated and more qualified than us plebs. I simply pointed out that school matters, and that Massey is a good plodder, below-middle of the road joint. You then end with school not really being that important, but that it is what's in between your ears that counts. So which is it - you are better than those who criticize your writing because you attended a B grade school; or those who criticize your writing are right because of what's between their ears? You seems to be wanting it both ways. "I think the lecturers I had at Massey, overall, were superior" - and there we have it. The smugness we knew was there all along. How dare I? How dare you bring such smug condescension. If you want to play the "i'm smarter than you card" than be prepared to back it up. You haven't. 401-500. Hope they keep that fingernail grip on the 500! Anyway I'm done. This is boring like the original piece.

AUTHOR

2016-10-19T04:49:50+00:00

Fox

Roar Guru


You can do all the checking you want on our ( yes i am an Australia citizen as well) university rankings- I never said that was not the case but explained some of the reasons on how the process works "The whole “anything in the top 500 is good” is disingenuous." No it is not - and if you had read any decent articles on the the ranking process you would realise that nobody wants to drop out of the top 500 and these article usually give the reason why. But these same articles point out that everyone wants to be in the top 50 because apart from anything else you attract more research money and students which bring in money and Education is BIG BUSINESS these days The point is, you demeaned my education and yes that is ignorant disposition. You claim you have degrees from those in top 100 and those outside it ( busy boy) and there's a difference ? - I would love to see these multiple degrees you now claim to have. And for someone with so-called multiple degrees, if you can't figure out why i mentioned the Vet College from someone who put down Massey University as an entity then you don't understand foundation and argument very well. So much for those higher ranked universities huh? By the way - for the record I am a Massey Scholar - which means I was awarded a special University Scholarship to go on to post graduate because I was a top graduate across four campuses in my faculty. That took about 60-70 hours per week of research and study to achieve, l was also mentored by Doctoral graduates from Ivy League universities so don't tell me I would have got better education in Australia and especially since I myself attended and graduated from an Australian University before I went to Massey, and though it was a good university I think the lecturers I had at Massey, overall, were superior in my fields of study, Bottom line dude - How dare you demean someones education. It is what's between the students ears and their desire to educate themselves that is the real difference and that can come from any university anywhere in the world and brilliant lecturers, and indeed some of the very best in their field, are not mutually exclusive to the top 50 or even 100 universities and never have been. So your comment about my education most certainly is an ignorant one.

2016-10-19T03:54:20+00:00

Ads

Guest


It was insulting, but it wasn't ignorant. Your argument might hold water if Massey was founded after say ANU (founded 1946 ranked 47), UNSW (1949 ranked 78) or Monash (1958 ranked 74). As you would know it was founded in 1926/1927. So the "ranking are based on age" argument doesn't really hold any water. I went to check and there are at least 21 Australian universities ranked higher than Massey - prob more like 22-25. The Times Rankings start using vague bands once you get outside 200. So Massey is in the 401-500 band. With over 20, many of them younger, Australian universities, ranked significantly higher than it. I have also got degrees from those ranked within the top 100, and those outside it. There is a difference. The whole "anything in the top 500 is good" is disingenuous. I'm not sure the relevance of the Massey Vet college. Do they write good satire?

2016-10-19T03:39:48+00:00

PeterK

Roar Guru


I was talking about the literal definition of Ivy league which is a specific set of 8 universities. There are higher and better ranked ones in the US like MIT, CalTech, Hopkins etc. Chicago is currently ranked higher than most ivy league universities. As you note some of the Ivy league ones have fallen a fair bit ie Brown Uni it is 51 in the world and the ANU is 47.

AUTHOR

2016-10-19T03:35:05+00:00

Fox

Roar Guru


Oops - "no" of course not "know" -

AUTHOR

2016-10-19T03:34:12+00:00

Fox

Roar Guru


Indeed peterk - a precarious position the court jester business - if the court laughed but the king and his closest allies therein did not - he was on thin ice and lucky to get away with warning. Though jesters were a combination of "the fool" "the clown" "the silly skit performer" "social commentator' but also they were instructed to write and/or perform or act out scathing, heavy hitting satire that was less about making anyone laugh - if at all - and more about making a critical point to visiting ambassadors and dignitaries and/or political, religious or military rivals Some of this stuff pulls no punches whatsoever, but always made the King or Queen happy as they stuck it to the visitors and then could blame the jester for not knowing his place - cunning but effective and most definitely satire that was designed to make the visitors/ rivals feel very uncomfortable

AUTHOR

2016-10-19T03:20:33+00:00

Fox

Roar Guru


Well yes and know, Chicago is now ranked 6 places higher than Columbia and in the top 10. Stanton is Ivy League as well just for the record. And thanks for the support there by the way as well Peterk

2016-10-19T03:19:20+00:00

PeterK

Roar Guru


one good reason that court jesters had a unique privilege to publicly poke fun at the monarch normally via satire

AUTHOR

2016-10-19T03:13:00+00:00

Fox

Roar Guru


Yep all that is very true Faith and thanks for the positive comment and the enlightening perspective on satire and the responses it gets - In history some people have been executed by those who couldn't tolerate the heavy hitting satire

AUTHOR

2016-10-19T03:01:27+00:00

Fox

Roar Guru


Thanks Sandgroper Cheers mate

2016-10-19T03:01:23+00:00

PeterK

Roar Guru


good reply a small correction though University of Chicago is not in the Ivy league. Also only US ones are. Of course Cambridge and Oxford are prestigious elite european equivalents. The Ivy League is a collegiate athletic conference comprising sports teams from eight private institutions of higher education in the Northeastern United States. The conference name is also commonly used to refer to those eight schools as a group.[2] The eight institutions are Brown University, Columbia University, Cornell University, Dartmouth College, Harvard University, the University of Pennsylvania, Princeton University, and Yale University.

AUTHOR

2016-10-19T02:43:15+00:00

Fox

Roar Guru


Mate if you are going to demean my education you better know what you are talking about. That is one of the most insulting and ignorant comments I read in a while, and I don't normally get too annoyed by negative comment on my work - it goes with the territory - but your comment is something completely different Massey has four campuses of different rankings and it overall ranking worldwide as a university is 360 and just so you know, an Ivy League University is ranked in the top 15 - which like NZ, Australia has none. Both countries never will probably as rankings are done on a system that favors the world famous established institutions and new players backed by powerful lobbying and major financial donors who give money to research and research is one of the key criteria that a university gets its ranking. Australia's highest currently, is Melbourne University on 42. And for the same reason, that is because NZ does not have the large financial resources for research or enough private investment to compensate, it is unlikely any of its universities will out rank the highest ranked Australian Universities anytime soon. For example Melbourne and Sydney University, the University of NSW and Brisbane University most often will always be ranked higher than say Bond University because on average they get ten times as much research investment into its large number of faculties and have the bigger campuses and a lot more academics voting for them as well. because they are well established, have a larger number of academics working there or who have worked there etc etc Obviously it is hard to topple long established Ivy League or the better established universities off their perches because they have - in some cases 400 years - of history and prestige behind them and therefore attract votes from academics worldwide ( another criteria) and attract massive private research funding. There over 40,000 - that's right over 40,000 - tertiary institutions globally. The top universities in the world are those that are in The 500 Club - that is, from the over 40,000 Universities and Tertiary institutions globally you are considered in the Top 500. So yes mate, Massey is a top university and ranked as such globally. Might I say with some irony that your opinion is clearly not an educated one in this area - oh and by the way those Australian Universities you are crowing about - well they have had over the years and still do have - Academics there that were educated at Massey and lecturing- that is how silly your comment is because good universities hire people who they regard as having the right education - funny that huh? And just for the record, Massey Veterinary College has been around for over 50 years and is regarded as one of the very best Veterinary Doctor Educations in the Southern Hemisphere. Furthermore mate, two of my lecturers got their Doctorates at Oxford and Cambridge respectively, another from Columbia and one from the University of Chicago - All Ivy League educated that wanted to work in a university that according to you - and you would know of course better than they do - is not a top shelf University!!!! My apologises to other Roarers but insulting comments like that deserve a firm response.

2016-10-18T23:57:52+00:00

Ads

Guest


Come on mate, Massey aint exactly a top-shelf uni to be playing the expert card. Isn't it ranked like 500th in the world? Australia would have 20 uni's better ranked.

2016-10-18T21:28:23+00:00

stainlesssteve

Guest


well, actually, satire can be mild or cutting, and at the mild end, it's pretty much funny to everyone, whereas and whereby, at the cutting end, it's still amusing, perhaps in a cruel vein, but only to a select few. However, i think it is intrinsic to satire, that it raises a humourous response somewhere, even if only evil, mocking laughter from the murky fringes of the carnivorous astral zones Meantime, please keep writing; i enjoyed your piece, perhaps because of some latent affinity of mine, with the aforementioned dismal twilight zones, whatever, let it also be said that the Roar's blogs are infinitely better education for us all, than any modern university, where scholarship has given way to craven brown-nosing of funding sources.

2016-10-18T21:08:19+00:00

AussieKiwi

Guest


Nah. Although his anti Kiwi bias comes out sometimes, PeterK knows far more about rugby than Kearnsy.

2016-10-18T21:05:25+00:00

AussieKiwi

Guest


For every Porkie there is an Antoni and a Crossfader (Sp?).

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