Hundreds of bowlers are left starving every day by the preventable poverty of lifeless pitches.
Forced to work under oppressive conditions with meagre movement and desperate field settings, some are known to be labouring for no more than three knee-high bouncers a day.
Worst affected are seamers, with mortality rates soaring.
Many have succumbed as infirm or disinterested, while others flee to become change-up specialists or moderate spinners. In the most regrettable cases, some will alter the condition of the ball in an attempt to simply make ends meet.
Such is the plight of the quicks, the CSIRO predicts that if the spread of featherbeds is not controlled, there could be a repeat to exceed the West Indies’ basketball holocaust of the 1990s.
While the growth of the flatbed was once manageable, they have multiplied in recent times thanks to greedy authorities lured by advertising more Toyotas and chicken.
This has been facilitated by the nefarious trade of drop-in wickets, which are cheaply accessed, mass produced, and coated with more preservatives than a Big Mac.
The sporting pitch has gradually become extinct as these two forces collaborated, with the most recent surface to favour bowling sighted in the deep south of New Zealand in 2009. It was immediately transformed to a curling rink.
While the torturous deck is not always apparent to the untrained eye – and will more often than not be unjustly described as a ‘good wicket’ – it is usually identifiable by the conduct of the curator.
Instead of mowing the surface, they treat it with a high pressure hose, or re-lacquer instead of rolling. Be aware.
(AFP Phto/William West)
Thankfully, crap strips have finally been exposed on the big stage in this year’s Boxing Day Test, where the pitch smashed records for widespread famine by managing to repel seam, spin and batting.
With bereft captains at the MCG exhausting funky fields by the end of day two, triggering a 145 per cent increase in Mexican Waves, the time has come for us to face up to this humanitarian crisis.
When pitches become so full of Tryptophan that we are thankful when blokes like Alastair Cook, Shaun Marsh and Ian Chappell ‘get going’- it is time for serious action.
Because we, the people, will never stop the power of money, there is little we can do than be the change in the world we want to see.
So please, give generously by donating a garden hose to your local groundsman, or by saving us all by batting first if you’re clearly less adept than the opposition. You can even put down that drumstick.
The onset of flat, lifeless decks has gone on too long. Let’s stop the next underprivileged bowler becoming another statistic.
Because a flat wicket is not a ‘good’ wicket.
Todd Shan
Guest
I rarely miss a day of the Melbourne test but I didn't even last 3 days this year given the "contest" had as much appeal as watching paint drying. I understand the attraction of drop ins given the clout the AFL have and the stories you hear about the wicket area at the Gabba being "too hard" for footy early in the season and the bad old days of the centre square bog at Melbourne, but with all the technology available to curators, why does it seem impossible to get anything more lively than a concrete driveway from a drop in pitch? Days out from the Melbourne test people were already saying the wicket would be "dead" and so it was. Why do the ground staff feel the need to roll the damn things so flat and leave no grass on them? They have the control so surely they have the ability to produce a pitch that is going to have some pace and carry and even some sideways movement by leaving some grass and a bit of moisture in it? I'm as traditional as they come and hated the prospect of night test matches, but having seen the bowlers actually getting some assistance in Adelaide in the evening, then maybe that's the way we need to go in Melbourne (and possibly Perth now that it's become another AFL-first stadium) if they can't actually manage to produce a cricket pitch that provides some excitement and a contest in it's own right. It's no coincidence Brisbane is the only ground that maintains it's traditional characteristics.
Bee bee
Guest
I would consider 4 day Tests a legitimate option if they continue to turn these pitches out. Bowlers need to form a union and walk off when pitches like this are turned out.
Alicesprings
Guest
Will also be interesting to see how the new Perth stadium pitch performs.
Alicesprings
Guest
Funnily enough not too much discussion around that point.
Bakkies
Guest
To take a bag of wickets on that pitch you had to nail it constantly outside off stump frustrating the batsmen, have a spinner like Lyon who can draw the batsmen in or through reverse swing. England wasted so much time bowling wide rubbish to contain they were fortunate Australia bit by playing wide balls on to the stumps or through to Bairstow. Enough has been said about England's spin issues. Lyon still took a bag at 2.5 an over. One of the reasons why is that he has taken the time to learn how to bowl on those decks. Like Bird the problem with the reverse swing was that it was in the 120s giving the batsmen too much to get their bat to it. Mitch Marsh faced a lot of tough deliveries that reversed but it had to be around 140 km/h to get through his defence. Taking the pitch out of the equation in the air. Listen to Wasim and Waqar talk about getting it to reverse on pitches that offer little assistance is highly recommended. They both mention that you need to use pace and the ball through the air to take the pitch out of the equation.
Kangajets
Guest
Not just Aussie rules Cricket Australia Channel 9 Bbl. What a mess cricket is
Kangajets
Guest
Flat wickets Short boundary ropes Heavy bats Let’s eradicate bowling altogether Just use a bowling machine instead
ThugbyFan
Guest
The blokes on ABC radio were giving a serve to the pitch all afternoon (5th day), basically calling it a disgrace. I don't know what the clowns on tv were saying as I mute them, radio for ears and tv for eyes. The couple of seconds delay is great as even if I am reading or elsewhere, the delay allows me to turn eyes and watch it "live". Amazingly CA released a statement almost immediately the match was concluded, mainly to protect their a$$es I would imagine. Said release came out with dribble such as "all aspects of the match, including the wicket, will be assessed after the match". This statement of the bleedin' obvious was put out to silence the critics, nothing else! We can send men to the moon and genetically engineer animals and plants, but cannot serve up a decent cricket pitch? Believe that and I will sell you Vanuatu. Of course it can be done, look at the wickets used for Shield matches. It's not the curators who are the problem, but tv owners who want all 5 days guaranteed to fill with premium-priced advertising. They HATE 3- or 4 day-test matches, and demand the game goes for the full 5 days. The boffins at CA all kneel to their paymaster, even if they know this will kill test cricket in the long term at least they get their status and wages.
Bee bee
Guest
I prefer the Indian wickets. At least the Tests have some spice. That Test was an absolute boring load of blandness. They must have dug that pitch up off the Hume highway. That was a high quality road. They could have dug some holes in and played snooker on it. Serious rubbish Melbourne.
Bee bee
Guest
Rename the MCG the MAPPG because clearly the aerial ping pong is more important than the cricket.
Bob
Guest
If we serve up Indian type wickets to keep India happy next year- I will spew. Especially after the crap wickets we have to put up with.
Pope Paul VII
Guest
Swervin' Mervin's theory is that the the stands block any useful breeze for swing.
Mitcher
Guest
Not a great deal of correlation between the pitch being flat and the ball swinging.
Sean
Guest
Its ironic that we have the most lethal swing bowler in the world (Starc) who doesnt swing it because of australian crickets policy of flat wickets that bounce and provide 5 days. I find test cricket boring here. No swing,seam or spin. Whats the point of bowling?
Bob
Guest
ICC need to ban drop in wickets before test cricket is killed off from boredom. Spin bowling will become a dying art and we will simply have robot bowlers waiting for batsmen to make a mistake. Batsmen will crap techniques like Mitch Marsh will be everywhere. Even the Indian tests we more interesting to watch.
StuM
Guest
Gee. In that case, this makes our 'won the toss and batted first 300' first innings effort look to be completely and utterly incompetent.
paul
Guest
So the best way to help the cause of getting competitive pitches, is to stop buying Toy odas and chicken. I'm in!
Ray
Guest
Any pitch that does not age over the 5 days and provide something for all bowlers over the 5 day period are not up to test standard. The Perth strip a few years ago, did for Mitchell Johnson and the English wickets are never conducive to good cricket. MJ might be still playing today if he didn't have to play on such rubbish. Poor Bird being selected to play in Melbourne annually. Melbourne has rarely presented a pitch to test match standard in the last 30 years, drop-in or not.
Rostafari
Guest
Drop in pitches are rubbish and should only be used for the shorter versions of the game, primarily T20. They should not be used for Test cricket and especially for Ashes cricket. The MCG pitch is an absolute road it is so flat and the bowlers gain no assistance at all. This is a Test match not a batting demonstration. I am bitterly disappointed at the lack of contest caused by the bowlers toiling so hard with no help from the pitch.
Mike from tari
Guest
Bill Lawry said on TV the other day that drop in pitches were perfect because they didn't have footballers running all over the pitch, I think the old fella has lost it or he's such a one eyed Victorian, he can see the wheat from the chaff when it comes to the MCG. If they pull the first test from the Gabba, the AFL will force the Trust to put in drop in pitches, the stupid Govt up here will accede to the pressure, the SCG will follow.