What's next, Rebels without a cause?

‘Union’ was never in the international governing body’s name for good reason.

130 years ago, following a stoush between Scots and English, the Irish, Welsh joined the Scots and formed the body to solve disputes. England refused to join.

Rugby is full of bullheaded administrators. In Geoff Parkes’ casually authoritative and richly-researched book, the Kiwi transplant to Melbourne writes perhaps his grimmest and most poignant section on the rugby union challenges faced by his adopted hometown, itself.

Harry Jones and RobC were heatedly sitting in the “Onsen Ma” sauna in Melbourne’s CBD. They were clearly in the mood for a steamy stoush regarding the organisation which recently dropped ‘Union’ from its name: Rugby Australia.

Harry bellows melodically, clearly appreciating the excess water and good massage in Melbourne that is severely lacking in Cape Town: “Can the Victorian dream have a happy ending?”

RobC retorted too analytically for the setting, quoting Geoff Parkes: “Unlike top rugby exemplars Clermont, Gloucester, and Leinster, which he depicts earlier in this needed rugby-as-business textbook as dominating their respective populace’s sporting loyalty, the Rebels lacks a key trait.”

He suddenly turns in excitement, twirling his robe open, causing everyone to start flinching and stop thinking: “GP himself says the Rebels have not yet intertwined the culture of their club to that of the local region. He also admits its a lost cause: This is status that the Rebels can only dream of!”

“Rubbish!!!”, Harry angrily rams his fist into the hot coals and quickly rises. His towel is obviously too small for his big ideas. “The future can be brighter in Melbourne than anywhere in the Southern Hemisphere.”

The alpha male adds “Melbourne is an alpha global city, drawing infinite talent and wealth-creation from around the planet!”

Flexing his sculpted muscles, Harry insists: “Sports teams are market fabrications. They are sculpted just like any other entertainment brand, albeit the concussions are real.”

“If the Rebels learn how to win the Australian conference, and even lift the trophy as often as the Waratahs, neo-rugby fans who never understood tragedy or the breakdown will hop on the winners’ wagon with annoying alacrity.”

RobC is not convinced, sweating his argument through every pore. “Melbournites are sportaphiliacs. But they also have a foot fetish. If you ain’t kicking the ball, it ain’t sexy.

“Chasing Melbourne’s third team status is a total waste of money. Millions were splurged by Raelene Castle’s predecessors just to keep it alive. How many more will go up in smoke?

“Every Force fan has every right to be upset. They got a fraction of financial support, but they got full shaft from Rugby Australia!”

Indignant, Harry snorts: “Melbourne is the second richest city in the Southern Hemisphere. Ten per cent of Melbourne equals two Canberras in sporting purchasing power.”

RobC shakes his head, slowly, like a Queenslander does.

But Harry was on fire: “The large Melbourne sport market is an opportunity, not a barrier. Convincing 10-15 per cent of a huge and bourgeois already-sport mad city with multiple interests and perfect weather to add or switch an allegiance is infinitely easier than teaching a guy from Clermont to be interested in a new game or team.

“Australians will back a winner. Women’s sevens are suddenly in vogue. Why? They win.”

RobC opened Parkes’ seminal text. He waded through the cheeky anecdotes, spot-on interviews, and trademark wry observations, to find the passages describing the uphill climb for the Melbourne Rebels: “19 high-profile professional sporting teams.”

RobC started to talk about Parkes’ recitation of the ten AFL teams in and around Melbourne, some of which have upwards of 70,000 paid up annual memberships, and then said Parkes wrote about the Victory, City, the Storm, basketball, netball, and a wildly allegiant cricket crowd competing for Melbourne sport dollars.

“Look here, Harry. Parkes says they all have a ‘higher profile, and better access to sponsors dollars in the Melbourne market, than the Rebels.’ What are you not getting?”

Harry roared like a Viking, while clicking his heels. “Nein! If it was all about that, why would they put the Tennis Open, the Grand Prix, and the Carnival there? It’s unlimited!”

Rob, also tired of arguing about rugby, muttered “You scream like a Stormer, yet you think like a Bull. The writing is on the wall. There’s an army of rugby talent in Western Sydney who can fill many fields and stadiums.

“Instead, they are poached like fat babies by a marauding army of NRL clubs. Lost fans and lost teams. Meanwhile, Rugby ‘straya is going to lose even more money in Victoria by chasing fantasies.

“In any case, DaniE explained to me the full solution. She said it starts by sorting out the….”

Suddenly, doors open with a whoosh. Steam pours out. And the naked body of Geoff Parkes juggles in. He bursts out, fists in the air, spread-eagled: “It’s time for the Rebel Yell! Let’s rumble!”