ICYMI: World Cup Night 1 Wrap

It’s finally here. The single biggest tournament in world sport is upon us.

The 2018 Russian World Cup promises to be a tournament for all… excluding women, homosexuals, black people, opposition leaders and migrant workers.

But alas, the dodgy human rights record of the host nation can be ignored, as the world can put divisions aside for one month and unite for the most eagerly anticipated football tournament since the last one. And it all kicks off with the traditional rivalry of Russia and Saudi Arabia!

Although this doesn’t seem overly interesting, this is the World Cup and somehow I feel obligated to stay up until 3am to watch it.

Craig Foster and Lucy Zelic are manning the SBS studio in Moscow, and in a stunning move, SBS has found the budget for a couch.

You truly know that is World Cup time once you see Craig Foster talk about post-Soviet Union Russian football with a smile on his face, making the past four years spent dealing with SBS interns and Graham Arnold winning stuff all worth it.

Lucy Zelic mentions that Russia are not good, David Zdric joins the Skype call and mentions Russia are no good and Craig Foster also chimes in that Russia are no good and that it was so much better when the communists were in power.

Some kid with a better touch than any A-League winger dribbles around some nice looking parts of Russia and walks across a river to get to the Luksniki Stadium, showing true patriotism to his homeland in reaching his target with illegal methods

Old School Ronaldo walks out with the kid as Yoshi can be seen jealousy scowling from Row Z.

Then enters the internationally known symbol of modern Russia, Robbie Williams, looking like an absolute jet, giving hi-fives to photographers and flicking the bird for no apparent reason whatsoever. What an absolute legend.

Vladimir Putin tells the world to unite and forget their differences unless he doesn’t like them, while FIFA President Infantino bangs on about similar stuff.

The first Mexican wave begins in the fourth minute of play as even the local crowd show relatively little hope of being entertained by the action on the pitch.

The tempo to start the match is relatively upbeat, with the Saudi’s applying a decent press to satisfy the wishes of new gaffer, Juan Marco Pizzi while the Russians work in a few nicely weighted balls into the wider areas for a few mildly threatening crosses and cutbacks.

Then, all of sudden, Russia scores! Saudi Arabia forget to do that marking thing and a defender magically falls over, allowing a wide open header for Yuri Gazinsky from a follow up set piece ball.

(Photo by Catherine Ivill/Getty Images)

Putin shakes hands with the Sheikh, presumably agreeing to release the families of the Saudi Arabian squad on the back of that unfortunate defensive error.

Russia start to look more threatening after the opener, getting to the by-line and cutting the ball back into an unconvincing scramble of arms and legs.

Saudi Arabia do have the chances to build attacks from the back, however, they are not very good at that, turning the ball over in their defensive half so consistently that it almost looks intentional…

Russian midfielder Alan Dzagoev is then forced to leave the pitch after picking up a hamstring injury, making the years of sacrifice and heartache to make it to the World Cup only worth 15 minutes of action.

His replacement is Real Madrid outcast Denis Cheryshev, whose most notable career highlight to date is playing in a cup competition for Los Blancos while he was ineligible to do so, so costing Ronaldo a chance at a trophy.

For this alone he is a legend.

To add to this, Cheryshev makes the Saudi’s pay for a totally inept use of their 63 per cent possesion at the break, scoring the second out of yet another misplaced Saudi pass, accentuated by the high sitting fullbacks implemented by Pizzi.

A 2-0 halftime scoreline is a nice surprise considering the negative press this game has been given, with decent attacking flows brought about more from defensive mistakes rather than offensive skill.

The second half begins with similar defensive errors from Mohammad Al-Breik, however the Russians don’t manage to get away a full-blooded shot as the Saudi’s slowly start to mount a few constructed attacking forays. Taisar Al-Jassim is in the area of a ball across the face of goal, while Salman Al-Faraj rises for a misplaced header from a set piece.

However, the Russian’s reassert control as Aleksandr Golovin continues wreck havoc on the right, eventually teeing up 6ft 5in substitute Artem Dzyuba with a great ball to the far post, made easier with the slow closing down of the Saudi’s.

Cheryshev scores a beautiful outside-of-the-boot curler in stoppage time to make it 4-0 and then Golovin adds another after Saudi Arabia don’t bother putting a wall in between him and the goal and it’s 5-0.

Putin gives his “come at me” face. It’s time to go to bed.