Picking the winners in this weekend's NRL

It’s another cracking weekend ahead in the NRL, so here’s the scoop for all your tips.

Tigers v Eels. Sydney Football Stadium, Sydney. Friday 7.35pm
If you thought Jarryd Hayne was brilliant, and there is a good chance you did, I have two words for you … Mitch Brown (you may need to Google the name, but after this game, he’ll be the most well known Tiger since Tony, the Frosties mascot). Tigers by 20.

Dragons v Cowboys. WIN Stadium, Wollongong. Friday 7.35pm
Cowboys half, Johnathan Thurston will walk out on the Club at the end of the season and head to Hollywood. Word has it that the Cows superstar has received a too-good-to-pass-up offer from Universal Studios who, after witnessing his performances for the Cowboys so far this season, thought he would be perfect for a remake of ‘The Lone Ranger’ … Dragons to beat Thurston … erm, The Cowboys (same thing really) by 18.

Panthers v Storm. CUA Stadium, Penrith. Saturday 5.30pm
Penrith prop, Petero Civoniceva has fielded an offer from his former Club, Brisbane to return home to Queensland next season and finish his career where it started. Round Review Ninjas have the inside mail that the great Man is about to drop a bombshell and reveal that he has decided to take up an offer from the Museum of Sydney to walk out on the remainder of his football career and take his place among the Museum exhibits … .with the rest of the dinosaurs. Look for Peterosaurus to finish his time with the Mountain Men with a roar, starting with this game … Panthers by 1.

Eagles v Knights. Bluetongue Stadium, Gosford. Saturday 7.30pm
Not much to write about this game other than to say, when the Eagles lose, it will be the referee’s fault. Ask anyone dressed in maroon and white, they’ll tell you. Knights by 6.

Titans v Raiders. Skilled Park, Gold Coast. Saturday 7.30pm
Titans 5/8, Greg Bird, has spoken out about the treatment of NRL players facing criminal proceedings, saying that the players should be allowed to keep playing. Bird has suggested that, instead of people pointing fingers at players who are under investigation, people should instead imagine the players’ victims have carried out the alleged offences on themselves. If you have that sort of imagination, you’d be picking the Raiders to win this game. Raiders by 7.

Broncos v Warriors. Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane. Sunday 1.00pm
Christians the World over have descended upon Brisbane paper, The Courier Mail’s offices demanding that the fish and chip wrapper to be remove anything they have written regarding new Broncos fullback, Corey Norman, on the grounds of blasphemy. Apparently, according to the Christians at least, Norman, is not the reincarnation of Christ himself. Which is a shock to anyone that has read anything The Courier Mail has written about him. Speaking of resurrections, Warriors by 8.

Bulldogs v Roosters. ANZ Stadium, Sydney. Sunday 3.00pm
Bulldogs centre, Jamal Idris has been handed an official order from the NRL, demanding he cut off his dreadlocks before kick off in this game or risk being de-registered by the game’s governing body. Apparently, after comparing Idris form with that of Tigers’ Comeback King, Lote Tuqiri’s performances to start the season, Jamal isn’t fit to be sporting the hairstyle of Champions. Roosters by 20.

Sharks v Rabbitohs. Toyota Park, Cronulla. Monday 7.30pm
In a shock for all Rugby League traditionalists, the South Sydney Rabbitohs have accepted a multi-million offer from Channel Seven to rename the club ‘The Matty Johns Show’. Now, we understand how the die hard red and green faithful would be up in arms over this, but if you really think about it, nothing says South Sydney like a show that promised so much, yet delivered so little. Sharks by 2.