Five unfortunate defining moments

The name on everyones lips this week has been Tony Trim, the portly, balding Fruiterer who shaped up to Gordon Tallis in this week’s Legends match. Like many other before him Tony is set to dine out on one famous moment for the rest of his life.

He will likely become the Steven Bradbury of the fruiting world, retiring to a cavalcade of school fete appearances and Lowes commercials.

Tony is one of the lucky ones. What about all those players who despite all their hard work, and in some cases rep honours, are doomed to be remembered for one embarrassing moment in time?

Here, Vic Arious celebrates five of his favourite unfairly defining moments.

5. Todd Byrne (Roosters, Warriors, Hull FC)

While Scott Sattler can regularly be found in the bistro of the South Tweed Koalas leagues club re-telling his famous cover tackle in the ’03 grand final to anyone within earshot (I was actually just asking him which way to the loo Satts) it is easy to imagine Todd Byrne sitting in a dingy hotel room somewhere, continually rewinding and replaying the fateful moment before crying himself to sleep in the foetal position.

Where did it all go so wrong? Todd Byrne was a young winger with bright prospects. While only slight, he had good skills and a decent turn of pace. Sattler on the other hand was at the end of a nomadic career that had seen half the teams he played for end up folding or wooden spooners.

He wasn’t even re-signed for ’04!

Yet somehow, on that damp grand final night, like a second hand Tarago running down an antelope, Sattler somehow managed to run from across the other side of the field to mow down Byrne in a copybook tackle and turn the game in favour of the underdog Panthers.

Sattler would go on to later be compared to his legendary father John, himself a grand final hero, whilst Byrne would go on to be compared to corner posts and magnetic power bands. Oh, and Shannon HEGARTY managed to score in that game.

4. Mario ‘Falcon’ Fenech (Souths, Norths, Sth QLD)

The volatile Fenech exited the game in 95 to little fanfare before embarking on a media career that can be seen as either fantastically inspirational or eternally mystifying depending on your childhood exposure to lead.

It wasn’t until some years after his retirement; during one of his masochistic appearances on the Footy Show, that Mario’s moment was sealed with the panel unveiling footage of Fenech being accidentally hit in the head with a dummy half pass from teammate Craig Teevan when in the process of leaving the field in a game against Parramatta.

The incident, of little significance at the time, was turned into an unstoppable juggernaut by Fenech’s angry (read: hilarious) outburst of bitterness that came with being continually ridiculed and the show’s willingness to replay the footage over (and over) again.

Things began to spiral out of control quickly with a ‘Falcon’ award (Mario’s longstanding nickname) being hastily created to award players being hit in the head accidently with a football and the very term Falcon becoming part of every sports watchers lexicon.

The clip has gone on to be Mario’s ongoing source of embarrassment and ridicule… which in itself speaks volumes.

3. Mark Broadhurst (Manly, Illawarra, Hull Kr)

Mark Broadhust is best remembered for getting in the way of Steve Bowden’s fists, head and elbow during the 1981 semi final between Manly and Newtown, a game so violent it can only be replayed after 9:30 at night.

No joke, I have showed this game to sixteen year olds bought up on a diet of Grand Theft Auto and mixed martial arts and they’ve wet the bed for a week afterwards.

Broadhurst, a former NZ boxing champ, had publicly questioned the courage of Newtown leading into the game and a stink was expected in the first scrum. Deciding that the best defence was a good offence, Bowden unleashed a one man blitzkrieg on Broadhurst recording more hits than Paris Hilton’s last home video.

This started an all in brawl as simultaneous punches, forearms and head butts rained onto Broadhurst’s battered face-before he fell backwards and knocked himself out on teammate Terry Randall’s shin!

When the two teams began to complain of knuckle soreness and commentator Rex Mossop had returned from a cold shower Bowden was marched from the field to captain Raudonikus’ amazement while Broadhurst played out the remainder of the game with a broken cheekbone, nose and two broken eye sockets… before going on to star in critically acclaimed film The Elephant Man.

These days Broadhurst works as a butcher in Christchurch, while Bowden owns an upmarket hotel. The name of the hotel? The Hurtsville Ritz. Of course.

2. Jeremy Schloss (Gold Coast, Souths, Nth Qld)

Yes people, we’re going there. Back to that dusty, pokey, three star hotel in Dubbo. Jeremy Schloss, looking to build on his breakthrough ’97 year, goes to bed early while roommate Julian O’neill hits the town. Jeremy wakes up, his room looking somewhat worse for wear, goes to pull on his training shoes and… well, Roy and HG suddenly get twelve years of new material.

It’s one of football’s cruel yarns that former QLD player Jeremy Schloss will forever be remembered for someone else defecating in his footwear.

But when the person guilty of the crime is already remembered for relieving himself under a casino table, having a driving record worthy of a Today Tonight expose and attempting to light a 12 year old in a dolphin suit on fire then someone has to take the heat don’t they?

Alas, this man was Schlossy, a man whose only crime was to be a sound sleeper and room with a footballer who was about ten years before his time-thus becoming the butt of all jokes (pun unintended).

These days Jeremy is part owner in a race horse Temple of Boom… which recently placed second at Mooney Valley.

Sorry Schlossy.

1. Paul Carige (Illawarra, Parramatta)

The name Paul Carige is associated with the term ‘brain-snap’ in much the same way Les Boyd was with the term ‘temperamental’- i.e. an understatement of Mark Tookey proportions!

Paul Carige is the alpha and omega of the brain snap. The high priest, the grand Pubah, el Presidente. The only person who can remember the score of the ’98 Grand Final is Gordon Tallis’ Mum, but everyone remembers the last ten minutes of the Parra vs. Bulldogs qualifying final!

For the uninitiated, after the Bulldogs had comeback from 18-2 down to level the scores with minutes to go, Parramatta fullback Carige made it his personal mission to hand the game to his side’s arch-rivals with two epic blunders.

His first was to stand over the dead ball line and touch the ball in-goal. But hey, you say, Kurt Gidley did that in origin; no big deal! However, after the Bulldogs botched a field goal attempt from the resulting set of six Carige attempted a kick on the first tackle… from inside his own 20m zone.

The kick found Bulldog Craig Polla-Mounter of all people, who came within Terry Lamb’s neck of slotting a deciding field goal.

Demoralised, Parramatta would go on to concede fourteen more points in extra time. Carige became a scapegoat for his side’s capitulation and would never play another game of NRL football.

The continual target of fan abuse and even death threats, Carige fled the country seemingly dropping off the face of the Earth.

Flash forward five years. I’m standing at an overcast Pigabeen oval waiting for a Q Cup game between Wynuum and Tweed Heads. Last onto the field for Wynuum is a player of average height with a long nose and wavy hair.

“Hang on a sec”, says the voice behind me, “that’s that Paul Carige bloke”.

“Really?” asks another. “You mean that bloke who did that kick in the 98…”

And you can’t help but sigh and wonder if Paul ever considered opening a fruit shop.

So, anyone else to add to this list of infamy? Bob Cooper, Steve Mavin, Neville Glover, Jamie Ainscough…?