The retirement of Australian football’s foremost religious figure hasn’t exactly rocked the church to its foundations, but it has left anxious and confused a small contingent of Melbourne Heart supporters who were among the thousands of Australians in Vatican City last year for Mary McKillop’s sanctification.
Let me recount.
Along with thousands of other pilgrims, we got to St Peter’s Square early for and were as surprised as anyone to find three blokes in Victory jerseys had beaten everyone to Position A right beneath the Papal balcony, where they were standing on eskies and waving Eureka flags.
Predictably, their club’s reputation had preceded them and the Corpo della Gendarmeria dello Stato della Città del Vaticano were out in force, their ominous-looking black Ultra-Sensitive Hatamoto Mk IV Aqua Cannons parked in a conspicuous line in front of the basilica facing the machine gun nests set up around the obelisk.
As you do at times like that, we were fully expecting one of the Victory lads to pull out a megaphone and ask who the hell it was up there on the balcony with Brian from Brighton Yacht Club, or for the Pope to come down and do the you-and-your-two-mates-can-pick-up-your-iceboxes-and-nick-off routine from “Paul VI’s Vatican II Compendium of Schoolyard Humour”.
But that’s not what happened.
One of the Victory blokes, “Muscy” his jersey said, was unwell – really unwell.
His mates, “Mate 3” and a “Robbie” according to their jerseys, said “Muscy” had a dozen one-in-a-billion incurable diseases. Worse, they said, he also had a head cold and a vino hangover. The 666 carved into his forehead went unexplained.
“He is what he is,” they said.
“Muscy”, his sunken lifeless eyes staring off into the distance, nodded in listless resignation. “I am what I am.”
Everyone agreed. He was what he was, and a miracle was therefore required.
“Robbie” turned capo and got a chant going while the generic mate banged on an esky lid. “Why him? Boom, boom, boom. Why him? Boom, boom, boom …God hates Victory. Why? Why? Why ”
Some of the crowd joined in, reluctantly at first – “Why him? Boom, boom, boom …God hates Victory. Why? Why? Why? …”
Eventually the whole crowd joined in — thirty thousand people pointing at “Muscy” and chanting at the sky demanding an answer: “Why him? Boom, boom, boom … God hates Victory. Why? Why? Why? …”
No one who was there that day would expect anyone who wasn’t there to believe this, which is probably why you haven’t heard about it until now, but this hand-shaped thundercloud on the horizon just grew and grew until it was so dark the pigeons flew back to their roosts and the streetlights came on — at eight o’clock in the morning.
All the while the active pilgrims kept it going though – “God hates Victory, why, why, why?” and clapping their hands in time – until there was a blinding flash and a deafening crack, and a female voice boomed out, “Because they s*** me! Go Heart.”
The smoke eventually cleared and “Mate 3″ and “Robbie” had disappeared, replaced by witches’ hats.
“Muscy” though, he was standing there between them having escaped without injury – as always, so that was no miracle – but now he had a whistle in his mouth and was wearing a polo shirt and a baseball cap.
The miracle was that they were red and white.
TomC
Guest
?? What does it matter who addressed who first? I was referring to the quote below. 'If your answer is you’re are a Melb Vic supporter, I would be disappointed with you.' Why does it matter so much to you whether or not someone is a Victory supporter?
Rob McLean
Guest
Okay - GB, this is all a fairly moot point as this is now well and truly other with. However, you HAVE misread the original intent of my post. It could be my plain questions, with no detail to why I was asking, or it could be your desire to defend soccer but you did misread my intent. I asked because you stated that non-football people were being negative about the original yarn. I was confused, as you said non football people. Seeing as most of the people who had posted on this thread were soccer supporters and do call the code football, I wondered as to which football you were calling football - Aussie rules or soccer. Hey, it could have even be a rugby code. Confusing huh? That is what I wished to clarify. I apologise for the over use of question marks, as it is those which may have contributed to your misunderstanding of my intent. I only ask questions on this site to clarify for my understanding of the story/post, not to demean, nor start code wars. Your refusal to answer my, I thought, simple questions resulted in me choosing to not answer yours. For the record, I'm a Australian rules and soccer follower and follow both as passionately as the other. My teams are Adelaide United, Central District and Collingwood.
Golden Boy
Guest
"I don’t understand your post. Who are making negative posts? Who can’t express themselves? Huh????" Ben, some of my comment was deleted that explained my words around venue security in my last post. However, there's no mistake about Rob's tone in his first post to me.. I'll say it again; Tristan had explained in detail why this article went up, to a non Football person.
Ben of Phnom Penh
Guest
Calm down there, GB. I suspect you may have misinterpreted Rob's original post. He was merely asking which negative posts were you being defensive about in your original post as they all looked pretty tame and within the bounds of rational discussion.
Golden Boy
Guest
I think you will find that Rob addressed me first. Not I getting stuck into Rob first.
Golden Boy
Guest
What is there to understand about my post Rob. All I have stated from the start for everyone to relax about the contents of this article, as Tristan has explain to a non-football follower. He had made it quite clear why the Roar decided to place this article up on the Roar site. All I have asked of you Rob is; if you are a Melb Victory supporter, or a follower of another code? Why and how football folk like to express themselves differently at football venues, or here on a football blog, from other folk of other codes. I found the article relevant to the Victory's unsuccessful season protrayed in a humours way, by none other then a Melbourne Victory supporter, who has a sense of humour. I take my hat off to him. Now Rob, for the last time, state your postiton, are you a Melb Victory supporter or not?
Rusty0256
Guest
As long as you realise it was probably written by a lapsed-Catholic Melbourne Victory supporter, deep within a haze of post-Gold Coast Gange smoke, it all makes perfect sense. So from me Dugald it's 9 out of 10 for gutsy attempt at at left-field humor but a 4 out of 10 for possible drug-assisted execution.
Rob McLean
Guest
And I haven't made a negative post, all I've done is ask a question of you in trying to understand your post. I haven't expressed an opinion at all on this thread. I'm still trying to work out if the original yarn is sheer satirical genius or lunacy.
Hutr
Roar Rookie
I second that
Ben of Phnom Penh
Guest
I'm not entirely sure why you're having a go at Rob, Fuss made a negative post and I'd hardly lable him an AFL man.
Ben of Phnom Penh
Guest
I found the piece quite fun; like most I made the mistake of reading it at first without engaging the grey matter. Quite the bush poet. Cheers mate.
TomC
Guest
Might well be a Melbourne Victory supporter. Personally, I'm a Brisbane Lions fan, but its been a long time since I've said anything positive about the Lions. In any case, you were the one who got stuck into Rob as a Victory fan. Danka's statement 'the reaction to the article confirms the truth to it' is absurd. Its just a circular argument.
Golden Boy
Guest
Rob, start from the top and read down and count the number of posts that have a negative connotation including yours. Yes, it does matter who and what code you support, as I have recognised quite a few anti-football contributors on the blog; no need to name, names. However, the Author is a Melbourne Victory Supporter who is just having a laff at his club. I thought it was fair enough to be light hearted about their poor season and not get too carried way or bitter that they were dumped out of the finals by no other then my home team, GCU who have the worst support in the entire league.
Golden Boy
Guest
The author is a Melb Victory supporter. Good on him for taking the p--- out of his own team. Yes we are all armateur writers here. I'm sure no one here is looking for a Walkley. But at least some of us can laugh at ourselves and the club we support. I say good for you Dugald, Victory Supporter, who can put his club out there and have some fun with it.. Instead of the usual whining you read.
Rob McLean
Roar Guru
Sorry? What has that got to do with anything? I'm asking for clarification on your post, I couldn't understand who you were saying was posting negative posts. I'm not sure who can't express themselves. What does who I support or work for have to do with this? I'm looking for clarification, so I can understand your post.
ah...floppy, I forgot about the taco filling
TomC
Guest
I think you've got it the wrong way round, Danka. Its the fact that people defend this tripe that shows that some people will support any criticism of the Victory, no matter how poorly expressed. I mean seriously, no one can even say what the point of this article is, or what they found funny, or what criticism it's making.
TomC
Guest
AS, thankyou for mentioning Borges! For some reason when i read this article I immediately thought of 'Pierre Menard, Author of the Quixote'. I guess because its about dressing up the absurd and meaningless as being deep and significant.
TomC
Guest
Football as religion is certainly an interesting idea. Not exactly a new idea though. Alan Pardew made the same comparison two weeks ago, for example. My feeling is that Dugald is keeping his message opaque in order to avoid any specific critcism. After all, his first piece was a bizarre analysis of the impressions of an anonymous friend of his, which was rightly blasted for trying to pass off dubious hearsay as real evidence. Of course, if you don't even pretend to use evidence or facts, you can never be wrong.
floppybottom
Guest
black beans?