Sporting mascots: the worst of the worst

Yesterday the NBL cautioned Townsville’s ‘The Croc’ over the mascot’s behaviour last Friday night, deemed “lewd” by NBL officials. I can imagine. From the outlandish behaviour, to the ridiculous costumes, when it comes to sporting mascots, there are some real shockers out there.

But which ones are the worst? Here are my picks.

1. Wenlock and Mandeville (London Olympics 2012). Where to start. Firstly, these mascots resemble no animal or theme whatsoever. Wenlock and Mandeville (who appear to have been named by Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts) are basically the unholy product of an orgy between the entire cast of the animated children’s program ‘Aaahh!!! Real Monsters.’ Oh of course, that resembles London’s… wait, no. It doesn’t make any sense at all. I think we’ll still be scratching our heads at this one in 3012.

2. Spike (Perth Glory). Mascots are supposed to look fun right? But still strong, athletic, fierce, and ready for battle on the sporting field – a good representation of the team. Spike struggles with this. Let me explain. He has an overly large, orange soccer ball head, with spikes protruding all around (including one placed square between the eyes).

He has freckles, gap teeth and that doe-eyed look of wonder and eternal happiness, like a dog does chasing its own tail. To make matters worse for poor Spike, Perth’s budget apparently didn’t allow for enough foam to fill out his slight frame. In short, Perth Glory’s mascot is a dweeb.

3. Heat Flash (Perth Heat). Is there something in the water in Perth? Just looking at Heat Flash is sure to give any menopausal woman a hot flush. A baseball head on a body. That’s it. There’s nothing else to Heat Flash. With a name like that I’d expect more. Where’s the imagination? Where’s the flame, the fireball, the sun! Something resembling ‘heat’ perhaps! Methinks ‘Stitch Face’ would have been a more appropriate name for this mascot.

4. Trevor ‘Saint’ Kilda (St Kilda Saints). Trevor? Okay,so it was named after Trevor Barker, legendary St. Kilda player, but let’s revise this for a moment shall we. He’s blonde, wears super tight shorts and is a saint in the eyes of all St Kilda fans. Nick Saint Kilda, anyone?

5. Knytro (Newcastle Knights). Ah yes, an example of how a mascot can lose its way. Of all the teams in the NRL, Newcastle probably have the coolest, non-animal mascot – a knight. I mean that’s bloody awesome! From a fully kitted out, chain mail wearing, horse riding knight, to a more conventional knight costume with foam sword and the Newcastle flag a-waiving – this team knew how to have a good mascot.

Now they’ve gone backwards, adopting a newer, shinier, no-neck mascot, ‘Knytro’. Let’s forget for a moment that reading this mascot’s name makes my brain squint. What was wrong with the old mascots? At least they had a face. And five fingers.

These are my picks for the worst sporting mascots, but what are yours?