The AFL's inequalities begin at home

Everybody in the football universe is harping on about how bad the Demons were on Thursday. Past players are lashing out at the half-hearted underperformers, commentators are questioning the baffling “game plan”, and Facebook groups are calling for a clean-out of the coaching panel.

I personally reckon that all such comments are far too harsh. After all, the Demons never even had a chance in the first place.

If one scans through the record books, they’ll find that the Demons have a poor record at Patersons Stadium. That’s because they’d never before played there.

Tuesday night was the first time the Demon players had ever seen the new Oval.

Likewise, Thursday night was the first time they’d ever been subject to a Patersons’ public execution.

With that in mind, it’s no surprise that Melbourne took a while to get off the blocks.

The first quarter inside 50 and goal differential statistics are making the rounds all over the football public sphere, but they are completely out of context.

How can a team expect to win the ball, if they’re still taking in the scenery?

How can a team expect to get the ball inside their forward half, if they haven’t yet established their sense of orientation?

Like all good football teams, the Melbourne boys took a solid thirty minutes to acquaint themselves with the foreign soil.

To expect the Dees to have familiarised themselves at a faster pace would have been asking far too much.

Remember, these are pre-pubescent 19-year old boys we’re talking about.

Do you remember when you were 19? Back then, I bet you couldn’t find your way to the toilet without your mummy’s help.

So spare a thought for these juvenile Demons.

Fresh from the womb, yet the expectations placed upon them are monstrous. Poor little baby devils.

The inequality didn’t stop there.

Not only were the toddlers forced to face an opposition on an unknown arena, but this unknown arena was completely misshapen.

Unlike the normal Melbourne Cricket Ground – which weighs in at a perfectly acceptable 160 metres by 141 metres – Patersons Stadium is a visual eyesore.

Coming in at 176 metres by 122 metres, this hastily-built scrap heap is an impossibility to play on.

Not only is it longer than the MCG by exactly two Aaron Sandilands, but it is narrower by at least fifteen Peter Bells.

Such ridiculous dimensions, thus, added an inequitable anomaly to an already lopsided contest.

It also explains Melbourne’s woeful kicking.

Every second Melbourne kick went out of bounds, but that had little to do with the Wet Toast’s apparent “pressure” and “tackling”.

On the contrary, it had everything to do with the oval’s un-ovalike manner.

While the AFL may pride itself in its egalitarian measures – the salary cap, the draft concessions, and the tribunal loopholes – the institution has to take a good, hard look at itself and the pathetic grounds it is outsourcing.

Forget the rule changes about substitutes, and boundary umpires, and Jason Akermanis’ gob; the AFL has to start introducing strict protocols on the playing surfaces being utilised. Immediately.

No longer should the Weagles be allowed to set foot on that lame excuse of a football ground.

The AFL must take the initiative and burn it to the ground.

As soon as possible. Or at least before Melbourne has to travel there next.

And it’s not like the Perth teams won’t manage. After all, they can always just revert back to Subiaco.