Twice a year, blokes around this great brown land complete a socks and jocks stock take. Armed with this knowledge, they head off with their better halves to the great suburban temples of post-industrial consumerism, for a spot of shopping at the sales.
Upon arriving, they leave their partners, who are queuing patiently to try on their Maggie Alderson-approved piece of fashion ephemera and head off in search of their clothing needs.
This is how I found myself in the Myer menswear department last Saturday and in amongst the Bonds, the Davenports and the Kleins, I came face to face with Harry Kewell.
There you were, Harry, staring at me, all muscular and half-painted in your designer Politix Y-Fronts.
There I was, in the grip of my fifth decade of human existence, confronted by a physique that has, for me, become a historical and anatomical pipedream.
And I came close, Harry, so close. At 30% off, I was tempted. But, in the end I resisted.
Instead, I am going to make you an offer.
Sign for Melbourne Victory, Harry, and become the king of Melbourne football politics. In a city that thinks too highly of itself, we desperately need a football celebrity power couple like you and Sheree to elevate our status.
Ok, ok, were not talking Posh ‘n Becks celebrity power. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. But, enough to transform this self-important, self-obsessed AFL city of Australia into a moderately sized football city of world.
And you will be its shining light, Harry.
Drawing a bewitched media into the football sphere as the front and back pages, normally reserved for AFL non-stories over summer, make way for a truly legendary sporting presence.
For example, newspapers like the Herald Sun will have to think twice on where to put the story of the drunken AFL player who stubbed his toe while kicking the front tyre of his Commodore Ute.
Season 7 of the A-League already promises to be the best ever and with your presence, it will be taken to another level.
What a marvelous way to bookend your playing career in Melbourne, Harry.
Scoring as a 19-year old scoring against Iran at the MCG in 1997 heralded the beginning of a legendary career as an international Australian footballer. Scoring goals as a Victory player and leaving a legacy for Australian domestic football will be a great way to end it.
And this is my personal offer, Harry.
I, unlike, many thousands of others will not become a Victory member. I’ve thrown my support behind Melbourne Heart.
But, I will be there in attendance at the three massive Melbourne derbies and I will turn up to a few Victory games where I will have more chances to admire your skill.
And come next sales, I’ll show my thanks by shelling out for a few pairs of 30% off Politix designer jocks.
Art Sapphire is the pseudonym for Athas Zafiris, and is on Twitter @ArtSapphire
Realfootball
Guest
Also a barely literate piece of writing. I'm not a fan of Kewell but that is just a crude hatchet job by someone who can't write to save their life.
Realfootball
Guest
If he leaves it any later, the deal will have to include an electric scooter.
Realfootball
Guest
What, you sum up the entire nation and the A-League on your experience of Etihad Stadium? Get some perspective, please.
Midfielder
Guest
lifeofTy What a bitter bit of writing .... how sad a life does that person leave...
Midfielder
Guest
Art , Fuss and others If you look at my earlier post to Art & Con you will see were I had a bit of a go at both the FFA & SFC for their non connection with the football family especially in WS... The article below comes from the Rouse Hill Times .... a new and growing part of WS .... Football NSW is putting on a day for kids with disabilities ... remeber this is a WS area ... and this is a WS paper.... now read the link to see whats missing and why the Mariners got Musty, Berine and Ryan etc and they choose to go to the Mariners rather than SFC... this BTW is not praise for the Mariners it is more who is missing... http://rouse-hill-times.whereilive.com.au/news/story/football4all-gala-day-at-glenwood/ Football4all gala day at Glenwood MORE than 180 players with disabilities or special needs will be involved in Sunday’s annual Football4all gala day at Valentine Sports Park, Glenwood. Organised by Football NSW, the event brings together the players and their families for a fun-filled day. The program kicks off at 10am and there will be special guests including Central Coast Mariners players, Maltese international John Hutchinson, New Zealander Michael McGlinchey and rising stars, Mustafa Amini, Sam Gallagher, Bernie Ibini-Isei and Trent Sainsbury. Newly-appointed CEO Eddie Moore said: ``Football NSW is proud to have developed such an initiative and we are committed to the ongoing growth and development of our established and new special needs football programs. ``Football4all is a fantastic opportunity for special needs players and their families to the world game in a fun filled environment. ``Volunteers not only involved with Football4all, but across the country, need to be commended on their tireless devotion to implementing special needs football programs and creating awareness of these platforms to families.’’ The event coincides with Football Federation Australia’s recently-launched Disability Football Month, aimed at assisting with the promotion and development of football across all levels and abilities.
Bondy
Guest
Good read , Art . Some would predict i would say this but , Football making a connection with the community , albeit at Myer menswear with a 30% off offer . Nobody can escape football it's everywhere .
lifeofTy
Guest
Great more Harry Kewell Idolism. The blind faith merchants that don't do anything but follow media dribble without though or question. There are better players and humans than H out there. Head to http://squareeyesroundballs.blogspot.com for a two part analysis on Harry the man, footballer & myth. Most importantly see where he will be playing next!!! -- Comment left via The Roar's iPhone app. Download The Roar's iPhone App in the App Store here.
F Fitzgerald
Guest
I've noticed victory have new sponsor carryboy They make nudge bars, utility boxes and ute canopies Marketing opportunity to use Harry's torso and tatts Worth looking at
Fussball ist unser leben
Roar Guru
Axelv, where have you been for the past 6 years of the HAL? My records indicate that, prior to rupturing his ACL - a potentially career-ending injury that required a full knee-reconstruction - Archie Thompson played 102 out of a possible 120 HAL games (H&A & finals). Upon returning from injury he then played 6 games in a row, scored 3 and had multiple assists, including a near perfect performance against Melb Heart. Archie tore his hamstring after scoring against Perth, when he attempted to jump over the Perth GK to avoid kicking the GK in the face.
apaway - yes, I believe it is the first. Hopefully, the second and last piece about mens underwear on The Roar will be about my purchase of Kewell festooned Politix underwear during the post-Xmas sales.
I should've qualified it Axelv - that's a pretty lethal front 3 for one game in anyone's language ;)
apaway
Guest
Art I wonder if this makes you the first Roar contributor to write a piece inspired by mens underwear... :)
apaway
Guest
Brett You're selling Sheree's talent short. She should slot in to the next instalment of the Underbelly franchise.
Axelv
Guest
Archie and Harry fit for a full season, what year are we in? 1999?
Ha, ha St. Penguin - I'd be looking at my own poster too if I looked like this :) http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/harry-kewell-joins-team-of-top-jocks-in-hot-jocks/story-e6freuy9-1225861018628
Axelv
Guest
Until things actually change and happen, why shouldn't he? Harry Kewell isn't going to prevent the fans from being bullied and suppressed by security. The extreme control measures sum up our entire nation really, it's a nanny state where certain individuals are insecure and are obsessed with control over others.
st penguin
Guest
You're not the only one Art. I pass by a politix store in Pitt St mall every day and have HK intensley staring at me from behind the shop window in various manners of undress. One day, after passing by the store I was waiting at the lights and found HK staring out from a different window. For a split second I thought it was another ad until I realised it actually was HK looking out from the back of the Socceroos team bus. I think he was looking at his own poster but I cant be sure!
That's a really good question Mid. I can see HK play in a front in a 3 with Archie and Solarzano. He can always drop deep, drift left or swap and play thru the middle. That's a pretty lethal front 3 in anyone's language.
Midfielder
Guest
Art I believe you ... it was boxes not the pin up ... OK OK... I do believe you ... ROFL... Art you make some very valid points and I would love to see him in the A-League... As a matter of interest what position would yopu like him in... for me I would say H here is the number 10 shirt ... be the leagues best attacking mid...
I wasn't looking at a HK pin up Mid. I, actually, found him staring at me on multiple boxes of Politix underwear, next to the Ck's at the Myer Northland. Hence, the inspiration for the piece.