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Twice a year, blokes around this great brown land complete a socks and jocks stock take. Armed with this knowledge, they head off with their better halves to the great suburban temples of post-industrial consumerism, for a spot of shopping at the sales.
Upon arriving, they leave their partners, who are queuing patiently to try on their Maggie Alderson-approved piece of fashion ephemera and head off in search of their clothing needs.
This is how I found myself in the Myer menswear department last Saturday and in amongst the Bonds, the Davenports and the Kleins, I came face to face with Harry Kewell.
There you were, Harry, staring at me, all muscular and half-painted in your designer Politix Y-Fronts.
There I was, in the grip of my fifth decade of human existence, confronted by a physique that has, for me, become a historical and anatomical pipedream.
And I came close, Harry, so close. At 30% off, I was tempted. But, in the end I resisted.
Instead, I am going to make you an offer.
Sign for Melbourne Victory, Harry, and become the king of Melbourne football politics. In a city that thinks too highly of itself, we desperately need a football celebrity power couple like you and Sheree to elevate our status.
Ok, ok, were not talking Posh ‘n Becks celebrity power. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. But, enough to transform this self-important, self-obsessed AFL city of Australia into a moderately sized football city of world.
And you will be its shining light, Harry.
Drawing a bewitched media into the football sphere as the front and back pages, normally reserved for AFL non-stories over summer, make way for a truly legendary sporting presence.
For example, newspapers like the Herald Sun will have to think twice on where to put the story of the drunken AFL player who stubbed his toe while kicking the front tyre of his Commodore Ute.
Season 7 of the A-League already promises to be the best ever and with your presence, it will be taken to another level.
What a marvelous way to bookend your playing career in Melbourne, Harry.
Scoring as a 19-year old scoring against Iran at the MCG in 1997 heralded the beginning of a legendary career as an international Australian footballer. Scoring goals as a Victory player and leaving a legacy for Australian domestic football will be a great way to end it.
And this is my personal offer, Harry.
I, unlike, many thousands of others will not become a Victory member. I’ve thrown my support behind Melbourne Heart.
But, I will be there in attendance at the three massive Melbourne derbies and I will turn up to a few Victory games where I will have more chances to admire your skill.
And come next sales, I’ll show my thanks by shelling out for a few pairs of 30% off Politix designer jocks.
Art Sapphire is the pseudonym for Athas Zafiris, and is on Twitter @ArtSapphire
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