Something has been bugging me of late. It’s like the feeling you get when you fail to put on your watch on before leaving for work.
I settled in for day one of the Brisbane Test and as the Aussie cricket side lined up for a less-than-rousing rendition of Advance Australia Fair, a sense of unease passed through me like a winter chill.
As they removed their baggy greens to reveal their $200 haircuts and $2000 toupees, I had an overwhelming sense that there was a serious imbalance on the most fundamental of levels.
My mind wandered back to the last time I had this same feeling: Wales versus Australia at Millenium Stadium. The camera starts on James O’Connor. Butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth.
Then Berrick Barnes.
He gets knocked down, but he gets up again. They’re never gonna keep him down. Lauchie Turner, world-renowned for his hair’s ability to keep its shape under the most trying of circumstances. David Pocock, champion for gay rights and Christian values, with every spare moment of his life dedicated to the betterment of mankind.
As the camera pans across the squad, hand on heart, head held high, each player’s story of courage and determination seems to trump the last. They are squeaky-clean boys next door that come good and hit the big time. They are exemplary citizens. They are role models. They are heroes.
I felt ill. Some of my breakfast Four-N-Twenty made its way back up my throat. I returned serve with a mouthful of breakfast beer. Crisis averted.
Then it came to me: we’ve killed off all the villains.
I racked my brain for an Aussie sportsman competing at an international level who I wouldn’t want dating my daughter. Quade Cooper maybe? A chequered past but the powers that be certainly seem to have brought him into line. His haircut now is especially plain.
A number of our national representatives are from Queensland. Can I rule them out for that? Considering my daughter lives in Queensland, it would perhaps be unfair to ban her from dating Queenslanders. I doubt they’d be interested anyway. Her ploughing skills are poor and she’s never ridden a pig in her life.
Rugby league has a National team. Surely one of them… what was that? Their winger is giving up a million dollars so he can preach the word of Jesus? Never mind.
If any one of these blokes was dating your daughter, you’d be hard pressed to come up with an argument against it.
So has good finally conquered evil?
The fate of Brendan Fevola, Jason Akermanis, Willie Mason, Sonny Bill Williams, Andrew Symonds and Simon Katich would certainly suggest yes.
Anyone who bucks the system has been sacked, deported or put on the shortest leash available. Certainly no one is getting away with anything scot free. In fact, there is more scot being handed out than ever before.
Look at the Wallabies rap sheet for the last couple of seasons: Over $20,000 in fines for a food fight in 2009; O’Connor suspended from the Tri-Nations final for a sleep-in; Ioane fined $2000 for a tweet. There is just no room for anything other than model behaviour within our sporting ranks.
But my question is, are we better for it? How do we differentiate between our heroes if they all act the same? And isn’t the greatness of our heroes directly proportional to the evilness of their villains?
Think Ricky Ponting versus Harbhajan Singh or Monty Panesar. Despite failing against their bowling ad nauseum, his stock as a hero was never higher than on the few occasions he was able to put some runs on them. Bradman’s fame was at its peak when he was charged with the task of bringing an end to England’s evil Bodyline tactics. Phil Kearns’ glittering career will be remembered almost exclusively for his two-finger salute to the intolerable Sean Fitzpatrick.
For the hero economy to thrive, villains must also. Australia’s failure, in all sports, to field athletes with personalities and opinions is contributing to a sporting recession.
So desperate are we for bad guys that we demonise good guys. Richie McCaw: public enemy #1 in Australia, despite seemingly having a heart of gold and being one of the most entertaining forwards in history. Saint David Pocock: hated by South Africans for doing his job, runs his own charity.
We need to drop our standards a little. Not every Australian representative needs a degree in Business Studies, glow in the dark teeth and to list philanthropy as one of their interests on their Twitter profile.
We must roll back the sanitisation of sport, just a little, so we can not only enjoy the guilty pleasures of watching a villain at work, but also to truly appreciate the worth and exceptional nature of our heroes.
After all, if Superman isn’t fighting a villain, then he’s just Clark Kent in a stupid suit.
AdamS
Guest
Lol, that's the spirit, channel your inner Symo!
AdamS
Guest
Well, we have Vickerman, sort of a Bakkies light. I think our Campaigns from now on should all be "Bring back the Mongrel". None of this "One Team" crap and weetbix commercials. The message to opposing teams should be "We aren't freinds, we don't like you or your country and we will try to kill you".
Johnno
Guest
Love the free sprits in this list and many other aussie athletes and teams ian chapels 70's team, the late forearm cricketer peter roebuck spoke up on issues, and david boon ian botham, darren gough, phil tuffnell, and merv hughes and david campese was another, people who did things there way , were free spirits and free thinkers and were themselves not obedient to some system that represses them via a big pay packet, to keep quite and be diplomatic, or toe the line so to speak. To many teams are breeding yes people, it becomes boring for the fan and undemocratic, and repressive for these athletes.
Johnno
Guest
Kevin Muscat Danny Tiato Mark Viduka HarrymKewell Mark Bosnich AFL jacko Jackson John Hopoate Mark Geyer Paul Harroggan Marc Carroll Wally Lewis Blocker Roach Greg Matthews Warney loved his aggression and combativeness and im the boss attitude my way or the highway Stuart Mcgill another his own man Mgrath was a bad guy too hostile unforgiving Dennis lillee Loved his Jave minded stand offf Jeff thompson Damien Martyn Ray Price Alan Border Steve Waugh Dean jones Simon O'donnell Tom Zohrer Katich Andrew symonds Leyton Hewiit Pat cash Scud Shane Heal George Gregan Micheal Brial Gordon Tallis Les davidson chris close les boyd peter tunks tommy raudonikous paul dunn paul sironen Mario Fenech Steve walters Benny elias Martine Bella Big mall Gary Ablett Barry hall Tony Lockett Wayne Carey Glen Jacovich Ben cousins Micheal voss tony modra warick capper wendall sailor anthony mundine he still talks which is good Willie Mason To many yes men now to the system, too scared to lose contracts if they speak up vs the people that employ them or the administration that there team works in
adam214
Guest
Media conferences with players and coaches are pointless in Australia they aren't allowed to say anything interesting so why bother having them.I mean the only conferences ill watch are in the EPL and the lower leagues of england i mean you are never ever bored hearing what sir alex has to say.
WoobliesFan
Guest
I love Andrew Symonds...an enigma, a free spirit, a natural talent and a top bloke who couldn’t give two hoots about convention and conformity. Not many people realise that Andrew and Clarke did not get along and that Lara Bingle was the reason he was ultimately pushed out of the team (yes, his drunken ways did not help)...apparently Andrew was seeing (to put it kindly) Lara before Pup and Bingle became an item. Google it, it’s all there. First Andrew, then Katich..... Moral of the story - Clarke's ego is a dangerous thing.
roarr
Guest
Yep, I cant bare to watch a sports person being interviewed these days. I'll happy watch experts give their opinion or panel type shows (rugby club, inside cricket, nrl on fox etc) but as soon as a player comes up... its just so boring and they dont tell you anything that isnt 100% painstakingly obvious. I just wish I was a sporting phenomenon so I could buck the trend. I'd go out drinking before games, have a string of victorias secret girlfriends, have dubious underworld ties and occassionally fight my own teammate or something.
Hoy
Roar Guru
I hate the sanitised version of everything we get nowadays. I don't understand the point of even holding press conferences anymore. Just give us a media release and be done with it.
Warren
Guest
Great article. Oh for a Bakkies in the Wallaby pack! Might impact on O'Connors "brand" though...
The Barry
Roar Guru
Nice list andymack. Chook Herron is keeping illustrious complany these days ! ! !
Tai Chi Swayze
Guest
Well said good Sir! A glorious nation founded by scoundrels requires no less to carry on. You highlight a fact we surely needed reminding of. Thank you.
B.A Sports
Good read There are fewer "villians" as you call them, to the point where the media and public are now bashing on guys who once were heros but because they did a underwear add and dated a super hot girl, they are now considered villans?! Don't worry about league missing out though plenty of villans out there, Messers Watmough and Stewart (x2) have a few good years left in them and the team with probably the second highest number of supporters who are of indiginous decent where domestic violence is a big issue, just signed Robert Lui as their half!
Tobin
Guest
Good point Adam S. Have you seen the number of swimmers who retire at 25 then come out of retirement after 2 or 3 years. I guess the sponsorship offers stop coming and they have to compete in the corporate world with other people on their business expereince. Who knew earning six figures would "require so much work and dedication"? Back on the article, it was great. Two things jump to mind, blokes like Funky Miller added some interest to the game. Even though he was well behaved from all reports. I guess the lure of the huge endorsment deals out weighs keeping your individuality, I dont remember him advertising anything. The fast food tabliod media culture that has existed in Britian and now Australia is a bit to blame. If you arent media trained and able to give 'good sound bites' your words get turned against you. If you are slightly off the straight and narrow you would have a dozen journalists camping in your front yard, that kind of pressure woudl lead the best of us to make a mistake or flip out.
Jonathan Healy
Roar Rookie
"After all, if Superman isn’t fighting a villain, then he’s just Clark Kent in a stupid suit." That would be a brilliant metaphor, if it worked at all. For the most part, you're not talking about having villains on the other side of the fence, you're talking about having them on the same side as our heroes. We don't need "villains" or *shudder* "characters" in the game. It pains me every time I have to applaud the play of someone like Greg Inglis; for all intents and purposes, a wife-beater. Plus, I got no more enjoyment out of watching endlessly lazy larrikin Doug Bollinger bowl a good ball than I did watching the hard-working new age sensitive guy Mitchell Johnson bowl a good ball.
AdamS
Guest
Agree wholeheartedly. Look at what happened to Andrew Symonds, probably our last larrakin cricketer, destroyed by his own team/managment to the massive detriment of all cricket viewers. It's just a different world now, PC is king, everyone shakes hands and nobody is a loser. (until you go out into the real world and get a job)
Sam el Perro
Guest
"Rugby league has a National team. Surely one of them… what was that? Their winger is giving up a million dollars so he can preach the word of Jesus? Never mind." Hardly a new phenomenon. John Cootes played in the centres for Australia in was a priest.
andymack
Guest
Great article. We need the villains. We need the cult heroes. We need the larger than life characters. Fev, Warnie, chook herron, mundine, Charles barkley, senna, boof lehmann, john daley, mcinroe, Gary hall, iron mike tyson. All sports need someone to love or hate. These media savie clean cut players do not capture the imagination of the general public.