The seven deadly sins of the AFL media

This year I managed to make it all the way to round one of the AFL season before becoming heartily sick of the accompanying media circus. This is actually a new personal best; usually I can’t make it through the NAB Cup without reaching for my Eddie McGuire voodoo doll.

Here are the seven deadly sins of the AFL media.

1. Overusing the phrase ‘AFL’
Unless it is one of the 18 Australian Football League clubs, it isn’t an AFL team.

Certain media outlets (*cough* The Australian *cough*) might class every instance of a Sherrin being kicked in anger as an AFL match – even if it is between North Albury-Wodonga and the Ettamogah Sheepshaggers. But that doesn’t make it right.

See those two boys in Manchester United shirts kicking a round ball? They aren’t playing Premier League.

2. Continually mentioning Dream Team statistics
I don’t care if Buddy Franklin has scored a billion Dream Team points in this quarter alone; it still won’t make me want to play your fantasy football game.

Assume that since I have tuned in to listen to a football match, I have some interest in the actual game.

I didn’t want to play in Year 10 when it was called Dungeons and Dragons; what makes you think I want to play now?

3. Taking Kevin Sheedy seriously
Sheedy has been trading on his eccentric persona since Essendon won their last flag, any coaching ability a mere loss leader for his promotional skills.

Surely everyone understood this when he was wheeled out as the inaugural coach of Greater Western Sydney.

When Sheedy says he wants an ANZAC Day game against the Turks, on the shore of Gallipoli, he is doing so as a calculated publicity ploy. It’s much like the sex tape of a reality TV starlet being ‘accidentally’ leaked on the internet.

Don’t publish it; it only encourages him.

4. The magical black man
Ever notice how Aboriginal players get magic-based nicknames like Michael ‘Magic’ McClean, Jeff ‘the Wiz’ Farmer and Liam ‘the Walpiri Wizard’ Jurrah?

There is a YouTube video of former Port Adelaide player Daniel Motlop kicking goals from a series of increasingly difficult angles, culminating in a freakish goal from the grandstand.

You can find the video by searching ‘daniel motlop magic’.

Sydney champion Adam Goodes called the media on this in a 2010 article, which highlighted how Cyril Rioli and Lewis Jetta were never praised for their hard work and dedication to training. They were only ever celebrated for their silky skills.

5. Forgetting it’s just a game
One things the media – and some fans – seem to forget is that access to professional football is not a right on par with free education and health care.

Much has been made of the amount of games exclusively on pay television. If there was ever a suggestion that the Western Derby be broadcast exclusively on Foxtel, the West Australian and Channel Seven would be apoplectic.

They’d mount a campaign to ‘Save our Derby’.

Sure, it would be a pity if anyone who wanted to watch the Dockers lose to the Eagles had to fork out $720 a year. But it’s not like all the hospitalised are being privatised.

6. Shouting panelists
The sight of former footballers in suits shouting at each other has a rich pedigree that dates all the way back to Ted Whitten and Lou Richards exclaiming over the talents of new Geelong ruckman John Newman.

The trick is to have at least five people talking over each other, to ensure no pause long enough for the audience to engage their critical faculties and change the channel.

The current experts are the alpha males on Channel 9’s Sunday Footy Show, though the Marngrook Footy Show‘s Gilbert McAdam is showing an increasing mastery of the art of implying all modern players are soft.

7. Unnecessary Americanisms
Do you know what the best thing was about Collingwood losing the grand final last year? I mean, besides the obvious.

We don’t have to endure commentators wondering if they can achieve a ‘threepeat’ this year.

I don’t mind borrowing American phrases to convey concepts we don’t already have an expression for. For example, as much as I dislike football clubs being referred to as franchises, there is no doubt the term ‘franchise player’ best explains the importance of Gary Ablett or Michael Hurley to their respective clubs.

However, when it comes to a team winning three flags in a row, we have the perfectly serviceable ‘hat-trick’, which conveys exactly the same meaning and, more importantly, doesn’t make me want to vomit.