“Bless me Father for I have sinned grievously and habitually for the last 30 years. My sin is infidelity.”
“Yes, Father, I have been unfaithful on many, many occasions since 1982 to . . . the game of rugby union.”
From: Eljay Finally Goes to Confession.
Let me say this at the outset, I was always a rugby union man to my bootstraps. It was imprinted, burned into my genes.
Both grandfathers survived the horrors of Gallipoli and the Somme – and my father survived WW2 – solely for me to be born in order for me to play rugby union.
I gave them all reason to duck well and live long, you see. Until 1982, mention rugby league to me and I would usually yawn.
I had moved to Sydney from Melbourne earlier that year. As the middle of the year approached I began seeing Channel Nine’s promos for this league thing called State of Origin.
I got sucked in of course and, spellbound with amazement, watched the entire first biff-and-blood series. I have been hooked on it ever since.
And of course I supported Queensland – have you not read Eljay’s Theory of Rabid Underdoggery? I then moved up there in ’86 and soaked up even more of the Queensland Origin culture.
Only Origin; I could not give a fish’s tit about the club games – well, apart from the Broncos.
In preparing to revisit my faithlessness, State of Origin 1 last Wednesday night, I experienced my second ‘State of Emergency’ here in Darwin where I am a privileged and indulged guest of my sister and family.
Nothing stupid about me; it is lovely and warm up here and the washing dries in a trice, unlike back home in Adelaide at the moment where it hangs limp and damp on the line for two days begging for sunlight.
Just as an aside, state of Emergency 1 was when I set all of my underpants on fire last week; I had them drying on the gas firescreen at what I thought was a safe distance from the fire.
I was out in the alcove when I heard the fire alarm shrieking. Raced in and there to my horror were my five pairs of underpants – in flames! I have only six pairs of underpants; the sixth are a pair of defrocked bloomers from 2004; the elastic’s shot – I need to wear a belt to hold them up. I wear them only in emergencies.
Nothing worse than walking down the street and feeling them slide down under my derriere. They can be surreptitiously hitched up only when there is no-one on the footpath behind me because I have to slide my hand down the inside back of my jeans, reach way down to capture them and then pull them up.
This makes me walk lurchy for a few steps.
So, I was preparing for last Wednesday night. By ‘preparing’ I am talking about seriously important issues: what jumper to wear; what alcohol to drink and what food to cook.
And by cooking I mean corned beef, cabbage, honeyed carrots and whipped potatoes all aided and abetted by my old mother’s amazing sweet mustard sauce.
Frankly, this sauce has been the secret source of the Maroon’s superiority these past few years; nobody knows that.
But then tragedy threatened to strike. My sister’s reasonably new digital Tefal pressure cooker was on the blink; the prospect of a corned beefless game loomed – a disaster for the Maroons.
I would have to bear the entire weight of blame for the inevitable loss on my poor shoulders. I called Harvey Norman only to find the warranty had expired.
In increasing panic, I then called Tefal direct and spoke with a sympathetic customer service guy. He understood the seriousness of the situation – not least when I started weeping and jabbering – and instructed me to take the cooker straight out to Harvey Norman on the Stuart Highway south of Darwin.
When I arrived, a customer service woman was waiting for me. She took the old Tefal and gave me a gleaming brand new one.
Brand new, all wrapped in plastic, manual and a recipe book with 100 ways to Tefal your tucker.
Long and short of it was that I fed nine people, including two gutted NSW supporters, with some of the finest 2 kg of corned beef ever delivered up for human consumption and, most importantly, a triumphant Maroons team continued on its winning way as a result.
I believe I went to bed in a delirium of happiness afterwards but, in all truth, I cannot remember.
NB: (a) I am working on a new book: Eljay’s Mysterious World of Underpantry and (b) remember that corned beef is strictly for Origin while German-style braised goat in red wine is only for Wallaby games.
sixo_clock
Guest
I agree with you if we restrict ourselves to watching only Australian teams. I thoroughly enjoy a Kiwi derby. These players almost never blink, love the tight stuff, smash each other and get up smiling. They understand the use of pressure, speed and most have superb skills. When the quality of our players comes close to that then we will see more Super teams in the finals, Bledisloe's and World Championships and Cups. Why this is not so presently is a complex question involving culture, the pressure of being a minority sport in a sports-mad country and the lack of accountability coupled with as you mention a largely mundane administration. Someone someday will rise above the rest and get this game back nearer the top but it will require leadership and definitive plan. WIll it be JON or Peter Cosgrove or both or others we can only wait.
Rabbitz
Roar Guru
Exactly my point. What should be going on, but due to poor skills, poor leadership, poor coaching, and brain dead administration it is not happening. Slack, lazy forwards seagulling around rucks without contesting, backs standing around with their thumbs up their backsides because the ball almost never gets past the 5/8th. For me a close, bruising game that has both forward packs battling it out is just as good as an expansive fast running back line dominated game. The current tripe that is being served up is neither. Tedious, slow, the half waiting for the play to be set, one out pick and drive followed by a predictable kick to nowhere. Where is the inventive play? Where are the basic skills? Where is the "ball always live" contest? I would suggest it has been lost, along with the spirit of the game, to boring, un-intelligent, soul crushing safety play.
dan
Guest
cull those undies to the Rag Bag.
matthew
Guest
Also a true rugby fan but wuill watch and enjoy league. No hang ups about the game, just a far greater fan of the diversity and tactics of rugby.
NF
Guest
Different strokes for different folks as far as I'm concerned some would like enjoy RL but get bored at RU and vice versa. It goes both ways.
PeterK
Guest
I used to like league when they actually had real scrums, and real playmakers like Wally Lewis. It wasnot just all one off hit ups and kick on the 6th, well at least no where as much. But I started finding it too simple, predictable, formulatic. Turned to rugby and only watched league SOO and finals. Not much later I found even they were frankly boring. The real entertainment wasnt the game but the commentators talking it up. I watched a game without sound and it was SO SO BORING. Rugby I watched without sound and almost just as good. A far richer and rewarding game rugby.
sixo_clock
Guest
I had to have a cold shower too, she is out shopping!
sixo_clock
Guest
Everything Rugby, every chance I can Featureless incarnation? Not if the viewer knows what should be going on as opposed to what is happening.
stillmatic1
Guest
i concur emric. im a kiwi in brisbane and have always loved the broncos (who wouldnt!!) but not a real fan of the game of rugby league as such. love SOO, and will get into the test matches but apart from that dont watch too much league. despite some union games lacking flair and variety i do tend to watch every match i can on fox. love the 3 or 4 games on a saturday night, because its a good excuse not to go out a blow a wad of money on something the missus wants to do!! indeed, the game they play in heaven.(sic)
Lazy Ted Failyou
Guest
As your penance, go to Twickenham rugby ground to see England play Australia. After that experience you will never again bother with state of origin. The singing, the stadium, the drinking before and afterwards, the fun with opposition supporters just doesn't compare to this mongrel game they call rugby league.
Emric
Guest
SAH Its a bit of a shame because the game was pretty good. As a kiwi I find League one dimensional which is why I'm not a die-hard fan of the sport but I will watch the warriors if they are playing in a final, SOO and Kiwi V Kangaroo games.
sledgeandhammer
Guest
It's funny I went the other way - was a died in the wool leaguey, used to get the shakes watching SOO I was so excited. I used to follow the North Sydney Bears and also Parramatta in the hey day. But in the late 80s I just started finding the game really boring, and about then saw a few 5 Nations matches and was blown away by the backline moves of the French, the lineouts, scrums and the variety in play. Watching the SOO the other night I almost felt depressed, just couldn't get into it.
peterlala
Guest
Eljayel, no idea what your talking about. But I love the way you follow sport...it's almost as if a new-age Barry Crump stumbled into the State of Origin. I will definitely ready you next story.
kingplaymaker
Roar Guru
'prolonged pressure building phases' that continuity, the growing and growing and building and building, and teasing and stretching and bashing and finally breaking through is the key to rugby's appeal (I know what that sounded like but there was no other way of saying it).
Rabbitz
Roar Guru
So what do you watch these days? "I needed rucks, mauls, lineouts, proper advantage, knock-ons where the ball actually does go forward not just straight down, turnovers, the ball to be ‘live’ all the time" I do not believe that Rugby Union in its current featureless incarnation provides any of the wishlist you provided... :)
sixo_clock
Guest
Like yourself I turned away from Rugby to follow League, but only for two to three years, joined the Balmain Tigers and bought season tickets, travelled to Canberra the 'Gong and Newcastle to follow them. I started to lose interest during the Super League wars especially after the lack of loyalty shown to the Bears and Rabbitohs. As soon as the Brumbies were formed I was out of there for good. I had found myself yawning at the games! I needed rucks, mauls, lineouts, proper advantage, knock-ons where the ball actually does go forward not just straight down, turnovers, the ball to be 'live' all the time, prolonged pressure building phases and goal line defences. Also I never really understood why they permit the shoulder charge, have to legislate against choke tackles etc. My last SOO game ended early after a cove named Carroll or something like that lined up a noted Qld player (?) and attempted a dumbass suicide tackle he had publicly forecasted and came out worse. Never looked back.
Rickety Knees
Roar Guru
Great post mate!
BennO
Guest
Cheers mate, although I meant that I drink the beer alongside the shanks which I generally braise with red wine, tomatoes, maybe a bit of beef stock, oregano and a a few olives thrown in. Nothing too revolutionary there. I tell you what though, cooking em with some belgian beer thrown in might work alright! I'll see what I can come up with. And for what it's worth....I'm happy to have grown up but also never really grown up either!
Leonard Lee
Roar Rookie
Benno I grew up (some say I have NEVER grown up) on a miserable, cold cow farm in NZ. At dinner we all fought for the lamb shank - 'the bone' as we called it - but invariably our bloodfy father grabbed it for himself. But yes, speak to me of lamb shanks. I do them long and slow smoked with fresh rosemary (over the coals) in my Weber. Send me the dark Belgian beer recipe please - it sounds great. And yes, I will hold off on the book, mainly because I am writing a 3D animation movie called Crocadoo at the moment. The title should tell you much! Shanks very many for your kind comments.
kingplaymaker
Roar Guru
Greg for me the problem with origin is that the defenses are too good, so all these wonderful players can't show what they can do. You just see Inglis or Hayne being brought to the ground again and again and again. Arguably the same charge could be levelled at rugby knock-out stages where the defences all go up several notches such is the infinite importance of the match, and so little attacking play is possible. Sometimes too high a standard leads to less interesting rugby of either code.