Origin? Seen it. Wallabies international? Pass. Socceroos qualifying? Yawn. Lingerie Football Match? Don’t mind if I do.
The most controversial sport since cheese rolling strutted in to Brisbane on Saturday night, and I was excited.
Not as excited as my teenage brother who promised to mow my lawn for the next millenium if I took him, but excited nonetheless.
Ever since the criminally underrated Starship Troopers I’d enjoyed ‘Arena’ football, and would watch it if they had teams of trained porpoises playing, let alone scantily clad glamazons.
But the time had come to see it in the, err, flesh. There were many questions that needed answering. Is Lingerie Football a sport? Is it entertainment? And what the hell do the cheerleaders wear?
All would be revealed at Brisbane’s soggy 80s arena.
Pre-match was slightly surreal, and overflowing with babes, booze and beats, it was only a Cadillac Escalade short of a rap video. It was also the only time I’ve ever seen a team’s hamstring stretches get a standing ovation from onlookers.
The crowd swelled as the Western and Eastern Conference All-Star sides went through their passing patterns, and it was announced that the West would be representing Queensland and the East NSW.
If there was any doubt that the blokes in front of me weighing a combined metric tonne were going to enjoy themselves, this intra-state spice was the killer blow, and the call of “Queeeeeenslander!” sampled over the top of Snoop Dogg still rings in my ears.
Finally MTV gave way to a couple of national anthems and introductions of well-built players. The crowd perched on the edge of its seat. We had been promised an exciting, high-intensity match with buckets of sass. Could it match the hype?
Well the sass part was answered pretty soon when the first East player onto the ground began gyrating against the synthetic grass. I was definitely not at a Firebirds match.
Ten minutes of booty shaking, flexing and breakdancing later, East decides to run into the air-conditioning in the first quarter and we’re underway!
As promised the game is fast with no huddle offence, and the hits are very real. Honestly, there haven’t been this many stiff arms to the face and one-on-one brawls in a football match since the ’73 NSWRL grand final.
Hometown hard-ass Chloe Butler’s West takes a commanding lead with a series of brutal drives and acrobatic touchdowns, which means I am routinely faced with the enormous glutes of their outside linebacker on the re-start. I know everything is bigger in the states, but Dave Taylor could do squats for 30 years and not have a rump like that.
The West pile on the points in the second quarter, and with four minutes to go the crowd gets its first wardrobe malfunction with a Grade Two Pantsing offense (thankfully not Ms Taylor). West head into the break leading 31-6.
Half-time entertainment is an overweight middle aged bloke making a goose of himself trying to tackle Ms Butler in true naff half-time style, but I’m mildly concerned. Not because ‘NSW’ is under the hammer, I’m used to that, but because while the first half has been immensely enjoyable, a blow-out is on the cards.
Fortunately my concerns are unfounded, as in true un-NSW style the East begin a stirring fight back with some excellent sleight-of-hand plays.
As for the crowd, seeing players monster each other in gang tackles, skol beer after touchdowns, and lead the YMCA keeps them all in high spirits, with the only ejection being some bloke who strips to his undies dancing on top of a railing. The irony is delicious.
Actually no, it’s pasty and beer-gutted.
Despite their best efforts the East fall 45-36, just nine points short of a Washington Generals boilover.
Butler’s Babes give a 21 fist-pump salute, and the crowd storms the field so pissed blokes can crash tackle patrons and ‘Tebow’ on the surprisingly painful astro-turf.
Leaving the arena ears ringing and shoulder aching, I was not quite sure what I’d witnessed. I felt like I’d gone to a nightclub and a football match had broken out.
But, looking past the LFL’s swagger and the behemoths in front of me, there were quality skills on show, and a fun form of American football tailor-made for casual international observers. I’d had a blast.
So, sport or entertainment? Just an entertaining sport really.
Follow Chris on Twitter: @Vic_Arious
Nicholashugo
Roar Pro
Liz Gorman from the east coast team had a huge game, I was thoroughly impressed. That and she is actually the hot one.
amazonfan
Roar Guru
It shouldn't take this to do that. The major sports should be kickstarting/ramping up their women’s leagues anyway.
Nathan of Perth
Guest
The only good part of this is the thought that maybe, just maybe, it might spark the other major codes into kickstarting/ramping up their women's leagues.
Cyclonic
Guest
If you're trying to make your minds up whether this is really sport, or simply a "perv fest" perhaps this article about the Brisbane tryouts might help. http://melindatankardreist.com/2012/06/abused-yelled-out-called-pussy-and-told-to-pancake-the-shit-out-of-her-my-experience-of-lingerie-football-league-try-outs-in-sydney-last-week/
Coconut
Guest
"Pre-match was slightly surreal, and overflowing with babes, booze and beats, it was only a Cadillac Escalade short of a rap video. It was also the only time I’ve ever seen a team’s hamstring stretches get a standing ovation from onlookers..." Classic.
Miss Ogyney
Guest
Chris, You might like to check the contracts that the LFL players have to sign. Apparently, they have to wear lingerie, they can't wear anything under their lingerie and they have to agree to 'accidental nudity' ie getting 'pantsed' or losing their top. Sport much?
amazonfan
Roar Guru
Couldn't agree more. It's ridiculous, and it detracts from the many wonderful female athletes who are much tougher, much more skilled, and whom, as you say, play real sports. BTW, I doubt it would ever take off in Australia.
amazonfan
Roar Guru
Yes, it is, although I don't see why one needs to attend a game to pass judgement on a sport. Personally, when it comes to Lingerie Football, I made my own (negative) judgement the moment I first read up about it on an American sports site some time ago.
Brendon
Guest
My life is boring but not THAT boring that I would follow this exploitative crap. But if people want to watch and follow this rubbish then they should be free to do so. I agree with a lot of female critics but not to the point that this junk should be shut down (though I will be happy when its gone and forgotten in a couple of years)
Matt F
Roar Guru
Same here, hence why I used the " marks. Then again, given it started in 2009 it could have a legitimate claim. I mean when you start from 0 every increase is big in terms of %. I am very curious as to how they measure the claim. Here's another article about the LFL. Supposedly a lack of decent health insurance is another issue. http://www.thestar.com/news/article/1078107
apaway
Guest
Let's get a fact check on this "fastest growing women's sport in the world" line because I find it very difficult to believe.
mushi
Roar Guru
I think the problem si less "their choice" and more the buffons that force them to make the choice.
xaviercrane
Roar Rookie
Starship Troopers FTW "Would you like to know more?"
Matt F
Roar Guru
You make some interesting points Chris, though I don't think anyone is attacking their honesty, more the concept itself. I guess you could argue that Beach Volleyball uses sex appeal as well. The women play in bikini's while the men play in singlets and board shorts, though I would guess that the female interest would probably pick up if the men played in budgie smugglers..... It's more the legitimacy of it as a sport that's the issue. As you mention, if they play in full gear most of the "fans" wouldn't bother to watch so clearly nobody, or at least not many people, actually care about the game itself. They just want to see athletic chicks in their smalls. It seems like they'd get the same interest if they just had them wrestle with each other for an hour or two instead. It just seems a little sad to me that "the fastest growing women's sport in the world" is one where most of the spectators don't even care about the sport or it's skill set. I'm not going to call for it to be banned or anything like that but I won't be too upset if it dies off either. Another question is whether it will actually succeed in Australia? The perv factor can only last so long before the novelty wears off (right???) and when/if it does eventually wear off you're left with a sport which, for whatever reason, has never been popular in Australia. It's also one thing to have a quick perv from you living room couch, it's another to actually use you time and money to buy tickets and go to the stadium/arena/whatever, particularly on a somewhat regular basis.
Bondy
Guest
I agree with the cattery there are plenty of sports here for women to play rather than waisting there time with this spank material.
c
Guest
i found some highlights really good to watch as well :)
Tim Prentice
Expert
Nah, The ferrari won't get a shot. Dropped to the Windsor Wolves for being, ummm, too red.
Chris Chard
Expert
Hi Falcore, Sounds like you've had a good look into things. Finding a season to have your comp is always an issue with any arena league, and a Summer league does help cater for football starved NFL fans and avoid any potential ice hockey clashes (many of the stadi used are converted ice hockey rinks) As for protective gear I'm not sure it's the big deal everyone is making it out to be. The field is so small that players don't get up heaps of momentum on long runs, and there isn't that collision at the line of scrimmage becuase of the small team numbers. I would hazard a guess that most injuries would be from ankle/knee twists on the artifical turf.....something you can't protect much against anyway. Also I realise the leading Arena league the AFL has players in full kit, but not sure if this makes it that much safer. NFL players wear a lot more protective gear than NRL players, but that doesn't necessarily result in much less injuries bar probably the odd cork or head gash. You have to take into account the tackling style and nature of each different sport, and with all respect to the LFL players their tackling style is quite different from that in the NFL or AFL. As for someone having a deeper look into things, excellent idea. I'm prepared to put my hand up for a full scale, tax payer funded royal commission-should I start in LA or Vegas? Cheers for your feedbcak CC
The Cattery
Roar Guru
Personally, I hope it never takes off in Australia. We have some real womens sporting comps that are starting to make progress: W-League, WNBL, trans-Tasman Netball, etc, quite simply, we don't need this, it's akin to jelly wrestling and it makes a mockery of women attempting to get by in real sports. A lot of womens athletes have plenty of sex appeal without having to resort to this lowest common denominator stuff - let's stick with the real sports.
Chris Chard
Expert
Honestly Tim if Michael Jennings pulls out of game 2 they could do a lot worse than Western Conference Running back ChrisDell 'Ferrari' Harris ....what a machine! CC