How I saved the Wallabies campaign

Early Saturday morning I was enjoying my coffee, when I heard the awful news. Fox Sports, the paragon of sports journalism, loudly stated that Dingo Deans was worried about a Welsh “ambush”.

My years of military training, gained from watching endless re-runs of Apocalypse Now, The Green Berets, The Guns of Navarone and The Odd Angry Shot told me what had to be done.

I donned my best army greens and immediately rushed to the secret Wallaby Bunker, on the corner of Oxford St and Greens Rd, Paddington.

The Men of Gold were already out on the training paddock, practising their long range punt kicking, while resisting the urge to chase the ball. A stirling sight.

I grabbed Dingo and explained my plan. He was agreeable so I called the boys in.

“Bring it in tight, boys” I yelled.

The throng settled around me, all except one – “Beale! Are you paying attention?”

The group went silent.

“Righto chaps,” I said in my best British Generals voice. “We have some intel that those blaggards from Wales are planning to ambush you this afternoon.”

“How will we survive?” whimpered Rob Horne.

“I have the solution.” I said

“Now, this afternoon, at the other end of the field there will be a group of men wearing red jerseys. That will be the Welsh team. What you need to do to avoid the ambush is to realise that the players in red are the opposition. They are the guys that you will need to stop getting past you when they have the ball.” I explained.

“When you guys have the ball, you need to get past them.” I continued.

“It will be easy to tell who is who, because you guys will be wearing Gold jerseys…”

“What suits of armour made of solid gold?” interrupted Quade Cooper.

“No, although I realise that with your match payments you could afford it. en I said gold I was referring to the yellow shirts that look like soccer jumpers.”

“But we wear dark blue” Cooper protested.

“Only during training, Quade.”

“So have you guys got the plan to avoid the ambush? The bad guys will be wearing red. Got it?”

“Now Berrick, I have a cunning plan for you. When you feel the need to kick the ball in general play, do not kick it to the guys in red. Kick it out, or kick it where someone in yellow can get it back, Ok?”

With that I wished them well and returned to my leafy North Shore abode.

The rest is, as they say, history. The Heroes in Gold Armour went on to avoid the ambush and to convincingly win by one point.

It was all because of my quick thinking… Robbie, you know where to send the cheques.