As the Kiwi batting order rapidly decomposed in the first innings against South Africa at Cape Town on Wednesday, I began to think of Ross Taylor and pictured him in the form of a short, stocky, bald New Yorker.
If the current relationship between the former captain and New Zealand Cricket were an episode of Seinfeld, Taylor would now definitely be the holder of ‘hand’ in the same style of George Costanza’s famous showing of one-upmanship from the glorious 1990s.
Remember the juicy fruits of power that were bestowed upon Jerry Seinfeld’s BFF when he snivelled his way to the upper ‘hand’ in his relationship, allowing him to call the shots and bargain with the squeeze in his favour?
Without any snivelling whatsoever, Ross Taylor now officially finds himself in that position.
The main difference between the two situations is that Taylor sits high thanks to the classy manner in which he handled his mistreatment as well as the now-desperate requirement for his abilities, whereas neurotic short-fry Costanza was elevated thanks to devious psychological subterfuge.
Plus Taylor has hair and is likeable, whereas Costanza is a scheming pest and a fictional character.
Now with the Black Caps batting showing the resistance of a dandelion against a snarling Proteas attack, the NZC administration undoubtedly desperate for immediate pain relief, and with one world class batsman back at home sunning himself on the beach in full health, it’s not hard to join the dots.
That’s right. It’s now officially Advantage Taylor, which means those on the opposite side of the ledger with a distinct lack of ‘hand’ should commence their grovelling, caboose kissing, or even better, resigning and restructuring very soon.
Let’s be honest. Do they really have any other option?
Taylor certainly isn’t the overnight grout that is going to patch the many holes in the Black Caps top order, but it’s a start at least.
One can only hope that the NZC board has enough problem-solving grey matter to realise that the only thing they could do to top the short-sighted stupidity of driving the 43 Test veteran out of the team would be to stand by and watch it embarrassingly perish while his capabilities gather dust in a tropical location.
Assuming they aren’t total pillocks and the reconciling petunias are sent, it would mean the classy right-hander would just have to resist the temptation of doing the devious Costanza proud by milking the pandering for all it’s worth.
Letting phone calls from the NZC offices ring out a few times, conveniently forgetting to reply to the text messages of pleading and apologies, and maybe even blocking coach Mike Hesson on Twitter and de-friending CEO David White on Facebook, just to make them sweat for a few days, would be an esteem-boosting privilege few would begrudge Taylor.
However, you sense that playing rock-solid hardball by acting completely aloof and disinterested to these offers as his team mates suffer, saying he may not be able to make the trip because he’s learning French/watching a series of Downton Abbey/building a castle out of paddle pop sticks, is not in the make-up of the man.
Which means that Hesson, White and the other ‘visionaries’ of New Zealand cricket should stop sitting on their (lack of) hands and start the peace process pronto, or risk more catastrophic Test match caving and teeth-gnashing among the Black Cap faithful.
You don’t want to see Martin Crowe set any more apparel ablaze now, do you?
Col
Guest
NZ should have two teams in the Sheffield Shield.
WEST
Roar Guru
no doubt kiwis have lost interest, IMO not so much in cricket but more the players and the team. People use to flock to he stands to watch Hadlee tear apart the best batters, like in Brisbane taking 9-52 then in the second inning took 6-71. Martin crowe scored 188. Or Lance Cairns 6 sixes at the MCG one of the largest fields in the world. I loved watching and sit for days to watch a test. NZ have lost its fire since the 80 and early 90s we had Danny Morrison and Chris Cairns, then Bond. NZ has lost the fire and no longer go on the ATTACK!!! mode, just turn up and wait for a hiding. We need agressive attacking bowlers and attacking batters no fear. They have lost there confidence in themselves and with that the public loss confidence in the team. Until something changes NZC will never be the same ever again.
Atawhai Drive
Guest
Bob, delving back into the fairly distant past, talented NZ cricketers of a first-class persuasion (Glenn Turner comes to mind) used to head off to English counties to complete their education. Jeff Crowe went to South Australia. Where can the current crop go? NZ cricketers are not inherently inferior to anyone else. But they need a finishing school. Where is it?
Bob
Guest
I lived in Akl until last year and you can see the standard of first class cricket there is very poor. All the promotion goes to the t20 tournament over dec and jan. first class cricket is played in nov and march and is seen as an inconvenience. If a young player wants to develop their red ball cricket skills they needed to play in England or Australia. Even guys like Southee and Williamson who came straight from u19 cricket to test cricket have played virtually no provincial cricket. Compare that to Mr Cricket who scored 10k runs before even beginning test cricket and you can see the huge experience gap nz cricketers have to over come.
Atawhai Drive
Guest
Bob, I haven't lived in NZ for 32 years and was unaware of that development. Is that what the Plunket Shield (if it's still called that) has come to? What a disgrace. And, as you say, a cautionary tale for Australia.
Bob
Guest
Australian cricket officials take note. This is what happens to your test team when you relegate your premier first class competition to 4x 3 day matches only. Is it any wonder their batting is so bad when their is such a pathetically little amount of red ball cricket played.
Colvin
Guest
What sort of salary cut does Ross Taylor have to take after being dropped as captain from all three forms of the game?
The no. Three
Guest
Ok, you can have Luke Ronchi then.
WEST
Roar Guru
Is there any decent cricket scouts looking for raw talent the talent that comes naturally. We need to find some solid batsman and open bowlers. There is no one we can count on to build a solid foundation. Maybe we need to steal some Australians. Hell there rugby teams being doing it for years.
Atawhai Drive
Roar Guru
Thanks for the information, hog.
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Thanks for all of the comments peeps, I think it's fair to say we are all in agreement that the House of NZ Cricket needs Ross!
Dane Eldridge
Expert
I had a feeling I missed out on another angle. Costanza's lofted off-drive is eye-candy!
Dane Eldridge
Expert
Haha! Outstanding! Offering Taylor a live band would have to clinch the deal for his return.
hog
Guest
Gillespie is out injured he was originally picked to go to the west Indies, but was injured since has recovered and was playing domestic cric was picked to go to SA but alas again picked up an injury just before departure, that is why McClenan went.
Atawhai Drive
Guest
KOS, without lapsing into racial or cultural stereotyping, the best Maori and Aboriginal athletes are very fine athletes indeed. Australian and NZ cricket would benefit from their greater participation.
King Of Swing
Guest
Sorry AD, my mistake. Moaris certainly are a rare sight on the cricket field and it seems to mirror Australia's situation in regards to Aboriginals playing first-class and top level grade cricket. They are very well represented in both country's football codes of choice (union in NZ and AFL and rugby league in AUS) but you just don't seem to see many of them out there playing cricket and for the life of me I just don't know why.
Fivehole
Guest
Swap him for Russell Crowe
Atawhai Drive
Guest
Ross Taylor is not a Maori, KOS. Born in Wellington in 1984 to pakeha (European) father and Samoan mother (she had migrated to NZ in her teens). Maori are conspicuously under-represented in NZ cricket, more's the pity.
King Of Swing
Guest
I was just thinking does Ross Taylor have any Australian blood in him? Didn't he once play a few Twenty20 games for Victoria? Cricket Australia should try to entice him over here to play for the Aussie Test team. He would be the perfect player to replace Mike Hussey and he would be an ideal fit for the vice-captaincy as well. If England can fill half their squad with South African immigrants then surely we can give one Maori an opportunity to play for a side that will actually appreciate his skill.
Chris Chard
Expert
Ha ha nice work Dane....although I thought the article might be about George helping the Black Caps with their batting technique like in this clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTwE7xDZkPk Cheers CC