My open-letter to AFL supporters

Hello generic AFL supporter, we have never met but I was sitting nearby on Saturday afternoon.

I loved the way you cheered the big marks and the pivotal goals. I laughed when you told the umpires they were maggots and suggested an opposition player take up ballet.

I appreciated the passion you had for your club. To borrow a phrase from Luke Darcy, ‘I really like the way you go about it’. And to borrow a phrase from Brian Taylor, ‘Wowee!’

But there are a few things we need to discuss. I love the passion but I feel it can be redirected and better applied by addressing the following:

Stop shouting ‘Ballll!’ every time someone gets tackled
Despite what you might believe not every tackle warrants a free kick. Crazy, huh? But also true.

In some games the tackle count can be so high that the crowd is just constantly screaming ‘Ballll!’ No wonder new fans get so confused when they attend a game; just who is this Ball character everyone speaks of?

Luckily you actually know better. Every time a player from your team gets tackled you swear it is not holding the ball. And most of the time you are correct!

By applying that same high quality analysis to when the opposition has the ball we can cut the amount of ‘ballll!’ emissions by around 90 percent by 2020.

Stop shouting ‘Kick it! Just bloody kick it!’ when your team has the ball under pressure
That was sound advice in the 1970s but the game has moved on. Some players even use their hands these days.

Years ago it was a perfectly legitimate tactic to simply bang it on the boot and hope you found a teammate. But fortunately the game progressed becoming more professional and strategic.

Players now attempt to maintain possession and switch play from one side of the ground to the other.

I know it is a little more complicated but pay attention and you will work it out. In a few weeks you might even be yelling ‘Handball it!’ and ‘Kick it backwards! Please kick it backwards!’

Varying what you shout out will please those around you who are almost certainly as frustrated by your lack of understanding as I am.

If you demand your players blindly kick it do not complain when it does not work
It might be a low percentage play but it is also the low percentage play you demanded.

It is not as though the player stuffed up your wonderfully insightful gameplan so don’t complain about it.

Stop shouting ‘Man up!’ every time the opposition has the ball
There is a time and a place for man-on-man defence. I call it the ‘90s and I was on a basketball court.

Occasionally football players man up an opponent. Defenders certainly do quite often. But more frequently players guard space, reduce angles and force opponents to make decisions with limited chance of success. We often call it a forward press but there is also zoning, a hard press, a soft press and in Melbourne’s case no press.

Every time you incorrectly demand that players man up you inform your peers that you have not paid attention to football in years.

Does Clarko’s Cluster ring a bell? Do you know who Ross Lyon is? Never watched the Saints or Dockers play? Ok, I will cut you some slack on the last one.

I recommend watching a few games and focusing on the defensive aspects. Watch where players run and why they do it. I am sure you will pick it up in no time.

By understanding the forward press you will soon be able to abuse your least favourite player for being a waste of space and be hilariously ironic rather than simply a doofus.

Kicking backwards is a completely legitimate tactic
I understand it can be frustrating but the players do it to increase the likelihood of making an effective forward thrust. So please avoid the unnecessary groaning when it happens.

What you may have missed when you were not paying attention is that defensively players are now much better than they used to be. They are also a lot fitter and they use the interchange bench frequently to recover.

But no matter how fit or fast players get they will never be able to run as quickly as a football can travel through the air. And it is for that reason that kicking backwards in an attempt to switch play to the other side of the ground is a legitimate tactic.

Even if it does not work, the mere threat of switching probably forces the defence to be a little more conservative and spread out their press.

So try not to boo or groan when your team attempts to improve their chance of kicking a goal. I approve of tactics that help my team score and I would like to think I am not alone in that regard.

As I finish up I remind you that I really like the way you go about it. There is nothing better than a packed house, and the smell of lukewarm hotdogs spreading throughout the stadium. I love the roar of the crowd and so does this site.

But the experience can be that little bit better and I hope it one day will be.

Kind regards,

Callam.

Note: This letter was inspired by sitting with the Essendon members in the match against Brisbane.