The Ashes are dead; long live the Ashes. Melbourne’s spring has just ceased imitating London’s autumn, the first real heat of the year has arrived, and it feels like I’ve only recently digested the cubic metres of whipped cream delivered by England’s caterers in the series just gone.
And yet, for all that proximity to the mid-year contest, we’re about to do it all again.
Various commentators have noted that this back-to-back caper is more than a little bizarre.
England had all the joy of sitting back and soaking up their triumph in the taxi on the way to the airport.
If Alastair Cook ever does get home, his wife will find him sleepwalking in the middle of the night muttering “Forty-five for three… a matter of executing our skills… balls in the right areas,” as he scoops his tackle into a jam jar, tapes a tea cosy to his pyjama leg and walks into the shrubbery to take guard with a rake.
Meanwhile, Australia’s cricketers morphed straight into a match-up in India that had been designed by the makers of Unreal Tournament, then popped in for a couple of Sheffield Shield matches, and are now shaping up to try to remember what an Ashes actually is should you see one in the wild.
Calculate the number of days off Shane Watson has had in the last 12 months, then recalculate your surprise that his hamstrings are twanging like a lap-steel guitar.
So what to make of it? I’m not alone in thinking that the mid-year edition was not a contest for the ages.
Ian Bell’s three centuries in three Test wins aside, little competed for the tag of legendary.
Without succumbing to parochialism, it was also less lopsided than 3-0 suggested. Australia’s batting was dominant in two Tests that were rained out and dire in three that were lost. Different weather and those draws might have been wins.
Then there was Trent Bridge, lost by a sliver and a lunch break, and a Durham match that would have been theirs had Australia not been so fantastically crap at cricket for a rather important hour.
In that light, you could say that 3-0 wasn’t all that far away from being 1-4, and if you really wanted to crank the Theoretical Possibilifier to ‘Maximum Aussie’, you’d say the Lord’s victory was built on a Joe Root innings that never would have existed had a routine edge been taken while he was in single figures.
But let’s not flatter anyone. Australia had no right to be anywhere near a win in Nottingham – their two last-wicket partnerships put on 228 runs. Their last-day attacks in the rain-affected games could well have been held off by more Bell rearguards, and losing at Durham because of their own panic makes it a little hard to claim they were robbed.
What we really saw in England was a collision of mediocrities, with the more experienced team able to hold their poise to secure some unexceptional wins. Getting the job done when you’re below par is one characteristic of a professional athlete. The fire of inspiration can’t burn eternally.
James Anderson and Peter Siddle were impressive early, Ryan Harris was impressive late, Graeme Swann was solid without dominating.
England’s top three were dismal; Australia saw this and raised them a top six. Michael Clarke, Shane Watson and Chris Rogers had their moments, but not when it counted. Kevin Pietersen had his when it did.
Leaving that strange series behind though, England are a better, more experienced, and far more settled side.
Australia’s batting hopes rely on players who are improving but as yet unproven: Rogers, Steve Smith, David Warner. George Bailey will bring a welcome cool head, but replicating his efforts from Indian one-day pitches will be a shift.
As for the bowling, Nathan Lyon has the insecurity of always being first man dropped, while Mitchell Johnson’s likely return may worry Australian fans more than English players.
With all this uncertainty, perhaps this follow-up series is not superfluous. Perhaps it’s essential.
At the end of five Tests in England, I went home feeling I understood nothing of what had just happened. Some readers may suggest that this is my general state. But let’s invest our hope that after this series, when England have had the chance to blow out the cobwebs, and Australia an opportunity to show if they have indeed developed, we might actually have an idea of what in the cricketing world is going on.
Geoff Lemon is a writer and radio broadcaster. He joined The Roar as an expert columnist in 2010, writes the satirical blog Heathen Scripture, and tweets from @GeoffLemonSport. This article was first published by All Out Cricket, in a new-founded Ashes partnership.
Geoff Lemon
Expert
David, with that kind of foresight and planning, you could have had a job in the Mickey Arthur administration.
Geoff Lemon
Expert
Sheek is the true master of the long-form game. Patience, persistence, technique.
Viren
Guest
Onside, you have just committed an unpardonable offence. I spat my beer out laughing at that comment, lol.
sheek
Roar Guru
Thanks Chris, My knowledge of cricket history is reasonably good, although i think I'm forgetting a lot as I get older! My own Ashes experience started in 1968, so I have 45 years of first-hand memories to draw on. BTW, for nostalgia, the 1968 composite Ashes XI were as follows (tests in brackets). ENGLAND XI: John Edrich (5), Geoff Boycott (3), Tom Graveney (5), Colin Cowdrey (c-4), Ken Barrington (3), Basil D'Oliveira (2), Alan Knott (k-5), Ray Illingworth (3), John Snow (5), Derek Underwood (4), Dave Brown (4). AUSTRALIA XI: Bill Lawry (c-4), Ian Redpath (5), ian Chappell (5), Bob Cowper (4), Doug Walters (5), Paul Sheahan (5), Barry Jarman (k-4), Eric Freeman 92), Graham McKenzie (5), John Gleeson (5), Alan Connolly (5). Australia retained the Ashes with a 1-1 series tie. Australia won the first test, England the last test, with the middle three drawn, mostly in England's favour. Engalnd were the better side overall. D'Oliveira had England's best batting average 87.67, hitting a massive 158 in the final test. Edrich led the total runs, 554 at 61.56 & a top score of 164. Leftarm spinner Underwood was the outstanding bowler, taking 20 wickets at just 15.10. Paceman Snow was steady with 17 wickets at 29.88. Skipper Lawry had Australia's best batting average at 45, the only century of 135. Chappell lead the runs with 348 (34.80) just ahead of Redpath with 343 (34.30). Medium fast paceman Connolly was outstanding with 25 wickets at 25.70. When the England team to tour South Africa was announced, D'Oliveira (a cape coloured player who emigrated to England in the days of apartheid) was sensationally, controversially & unfairly omitted. However, when paceman Tom Cartwright pulled out of the tour, & following a massive backlash from the public, England announced D'Oliveia, primarily a batsman, as Cartwright's replacement. South Africa then used the pretext of replacing a bowler with a batsman as politically motivated, & refused to sanction the tour. Thus it was called off. It was a sad day for cricket, when politics & weak-willed, double-dealing officials conspired to ruin the game's image.
ChrisUK
Guest
He had terrible injuries didn't he? He was probably having an operation that year.
JGK
Roar Guru
Meh. People with small willies and smaller brains have to entertain themselves somehow.
JGK
Roar Guru
I'm sure you remember. It was when that Flintoff guy played his one and only Ashes series.
JimmyB
Guest
Congratulations Merv.
ChrisUK
Guest
Cricfree.tv is your friend.
ChrisUK
Guest
You still had to view it and select the appropriate bits - wasn't a 30 second job.
ChrisUK
Guest
Ummm, no, no idea. You must be talking in a different language, sorry...
ChrisUK
Guest
The joys of self-employment means that I can put time aside for Ashes watching. So it'll be zombie time for the next month or so - but that's ok!
J.T. Delacroix
Guest
Good luck to both teams. But on a serious note, there is a 'I hate Kerry O'Keefe Facebook' site out there. Seriously. I have no idea who these sick, twisted, misfits are, but I condemn them all!! Bunch of humourless wowsers!
Bogga
Guest
I live in bloody England and the matches start on Sky Sports (which I don't have, because the house I'm moving into has another provider, equivalent of Optus instead of Foxtel, back in the day) at midnight-ish, which means the pubs are all shut from start to finish. Guess I'll just have to stream it somehow. At least when the ashes were over here I could sneak off for long lunches and catch the final session at the pub across the road from work.
JimmyB
Guest
What a great article, I was wondering if we were going to the benefit of Geoff's wit during the Ashes, hey presto. Can I also say how nice it is to see optimism, realism and a bit of humour from all of the above posters. I believe it's called banter, something the folks on the rugby threads might want to think about. Although I do appreciate that the current cordiality may diminish somewhat after the first DRS cock up, my guess after lunch on day 1. Enjoy the cricket one and all and please God remember that it's just a bloody game, oh and may the best team win. (btw, I very well may not take my own advice, so don't quote me on it.) ;)
Spooky
Guest
Great article Geoff , now everyone has their places let the battle begin
Simon
Roar Guru
We all appreciate it when you bring statistics and dates and opinions to the discussion, sheek.
Simon
Roar Guru
"England’s top three were dismal; Australia saw this and raised them a top six." What a fantastic quote, and how true it was. The bowlers would often out score their top order colleagues. Look forward to more articles in the near future. Btw, you weren't the only one to be left scratching your head after the last Ashes. It was an odd series.
TT4
Guest
That's not that surprising. Test Cricket is slowly dying here. Only going to get worst as the next generation which was brought up on Twenty20 rises in our place.
Pope Paul VII
Guest
Nice one Geoff. Who do thinks going to win the series? What margin?