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The Ashes are dead; long live the Ashes. Melbourne’s spring has just ceased imitating London’s autumn, the first real heat of the year has arrived, and it feels like I’ve only recently digested the cubic metres of whipped cream delivered by England’s caterers in the series just gone.
And yet, for all that proximity to the mid-year contest, we’re about to do it all again.
Various commentators have noted that this back-to-back caper is more than a little bizarre.
England had all the joy of sitting back and soaking up their triumph in the taxi on the way to the airport.
If Alastair Cook ever does get home, his wife will find him sleepwalking in the middle of the night muttering “Forty-five for three… a matter of executing our skills… balls in the right areas,” as he scoops his tackle into a jam jar, tapes a tea cosy to his pyjama leg and walks into the shrubbery to take guard with a rake.
Meanwhile, Australia’s cricketers morphed straight into a match-up in India that had been designed by the makers of Unreal Tournament, then popped in for a couple of Sheffield Shield matches, and are now shaping up to try to remember what an Ashes actually is should you see one in the wild.
Calculate the number of days off Shane Watson has had in the last 12 months, then recalculate your surprise that his hamstrings are twanging like a lap-steel guitar.
So what to make of it? I’m not alone in thinking that the mid-year edition was not a contest for the ages.
Ian Bell’s three centuries in three Test wins aside, little competed for the tag of legendary.
Without succumbing to parochialism, it was also less lopsided than 3-0 suggested. Australia’s batting was dominant in two Tests that were rained out and dire in three that were lost. Different weather and those draws might have been wins.
Then there was Trent Bridge, lost by a sliver and a lunch break, and a Durham match that would have been theirs had Australia not been so fantastically crap at cricket for a rather important hour.
In that light, you could say that 3-0 wasn’t all that far away from being 1-4, and if you really wanted to crank the Theoretical Possibilifier to ‘Maximum Aussie’, you’d say the Lord’s victory was built on a Joe Root innings that never would have existed had a routine edge been taken while he was in single figures.
But let’s not flatter anyone. Australia had no right to be anywhere near a win in Nottingham – their two last-wicket partnerships put on 228 runs. Their last-day attacks in the rain-affected games could well have been held off by more Bell rearguards, and losing at Durham because of their own panic makes it a little hard to claim they were robbed.
What we really saw in England was a collision of mediocrities, with the more experienced team able to hold their poise to secure some unexceptional wins. Getting the job done when you’re below par is one characteristic of a professional athlete. The fire of inspiration can’t burn eternally.
James Anderson and Peter Siddle were impressive early, Ryan Harris was impressive late, Graeme Swann was solid without dominating.
England’s top three were dismal; Australia saw this and raised them a top six. Michael Clarke, Shane Watson and Chris Rogers had their moments, but not when it counted. Kevin Pietersen had his when it did.
Leaving that strange series behind though, England are a better, more experienced, and far more settled side.
Australia’s batting hopes rely on players who are improving but as yet unproven: Rogers, Steve Smith, David Warner. George Bailey will bring a welcome cool head, but replicating his efforts from Indian one-day pitches will be a shift.
As for the bowling, Nathan Lyon has the insecurity of always being first man dropped, while Mitchell Johnson’s likely return may worry Australian fans more than English players.
With all this uncertainty, perhaps this follow-up series is not superfluous. Perhaps it’s essential.
At the end of five Tests in England, I went home feeling I understood nothing of what had just happened. Some readers may suggest that this is my general state. But let’s invest our hope that after this series, when England have had the chance to blow out the cobwebs, and Australia an opportunity to show if they have indeed developed, we might actually have an idea of what in the cricketing world is going on.
Geoff Lemon is a writer and radio broadcaster. He joined The Roar as an expert columnist in 2010, writes the satirical blog Heathen Scripture, and tweets from @GeoffLemonSport. This article was first published by All Out Cricket, in a new-founded Ashes partnership.