Let cricket commentary speak its own language, and let commentators speak for themselves. Channel Nine’s approach to the Test matches has become more than just a little grating.
The WACA Test dressing shed celebration intrusions didn’t do anything for this viewer.
Let me first tell you a short story: A few years back I toured England with Sydney University Cricket Club. Our travels coincided with the 1997 Ashes series. Remember that one?
Matthew Elliott swatting Andy Caddick to all parts. Greg Blewett upright and imperious. Michael Bevan struck frozen by the rampaging Dean Headley’s belly-high medium-fast bouncers. A relatively reliable Graham Thorpe. An occasionally stoic Mark Butcher. Brendon Julian tagging along for a look. And rain. Buckets and buckets of the stuff.
Ah, the splendiferous John Smith’s fog of so many delays in play…
I digress.
Back then the Australian side was managed by Alan Crompton, a one-time chairman of what we now know as Cricket Australia. As luck would have it, he’d also been a treasured contributor on and off-field for Sydney Uni in his day.
‘Crommo’ was a delightful bloke. Warm, affable and generous and only too willing to extend a welcoming hand to representatives of his Alma Mater.
Which brings me to Lord’s and the Second Test.
It was Crommo who orchestrated the Sydney Uni tour group’s ‘Access All Areas’ pass. The bacon-and-egg tie brigade – at least those young enough to remain conscious during a rain break – didn’t seem to mind us politely tottering about the Lord’s Members Pavilion, admiring the artwork, absorbing the ambience, all of us in total awe of the history that decorated the place. The Long Room? You bet.
We trod the same spike-beveled floorboards as the Don himself, the very same that Mark Taylor led his men through when the rain stopped tumbling.
Near enough to smell the damp on rain-sodden baggy greens and the tobacco that had permeated Warnie’s whites. As the players made their way out to the impeccably manicured turf with its wacky slope we stood behind a havoc-wreaking Glenn McGrath.
We were so close it was as if we could have reached out and given him a little push to get him started. He took eight-for. England crumbled for 77. It was heaven.
“You want to see the dressing rooms?” asked Crommo during another rain break later.
Now most of us were aware of the great sacred decree about the sanctity of the Australian sheds. In fact I vividly recall sharing a ‘this-ain’t-quite-right’ look with Brendon Hill, one of the more thoughtful members of our touring party.
But despite our wariness we soldiered upstairs. I mean if Crommo said it was okay…and the Australian players were elsewhere doing some kind of warm up.
And we’d travelled a long way. And the dollar wasn’t buying us much back then. You took what you could when it was there.
All I really remember is mess. Gear strewn like the guts of a lawn-mown cane toad. Michael Slater’s acoustic guitar – yes, really – propped precariously against a chair sporting most his kit. The stench of sneaker sweat and wet lawn. White light through those quaint balconies. The emerald turf below.
But then a ruckus. Pretty much as soon as we were in we were briskly urged out, not unlike fire evacuees.
You see, the Australian captain had slipped back to the rooms to change his shoes. Taylor took most unkindly to our underserving presence in such rarefied quarters.
I didn’t hear what he actually said about us being there, but I certainly saw his disapproving scowl. He looked livid, truth be told.
Later we’d learn Ian Healy, among others, went similarly ballistic at our encroachment on the Australian squad’s realm.
This, after all, was the sanctuary of a team otherwise doused in the spotlight. This is where together under the Southern Cross they’d stand, sprigs of wattle in their hand. It was special. Moreover, it was earned.
The moral of this tale? We shouldn’t have been there. Seeing it added nothing. Stupid, stupid idea.
And so to Channel Nine’s commentary team and its abominable post-match cross to the players in the WACA change rooms.
It’s one thing to luxuriate in a tremendous success. It is another altogether to coat it in crap and call it Lindt.
As ABC Grandstand broadcaster Zane Bojack tweeted:
Have decided that watching Tubby Taylor in the Aussie dressing rooms was more awkward than walking in on my mum & dad… #NeverAgainCh9
— Zane Bojack (@zanofc) December 17, 2013
When did getting sploshed by celebratory piss become something for commentators to revel in too? Why are they force-feeding us triumphalism?
Why are we gorging on cheap pornography when the curve of Marilyn Monroe’s bare shoulder was always more than enough?
Why are we even there? Tubby! For chrissakes, man! Has the memory of your righteous 1997 dressing shed snarl simply become lost in a funk of pre-commentary makeup and Fujitsu ad scripts? Tubs, old son…when did you change so?
But before we lament the post match twaddle that Channel Nine impressed upon us on Tuesday evening, let’s take a quiet step to the side.
We assume it’s an easy task filling the voids that exist between pivotal moments in a sluggish game. It’s not. It’s a craft.
Still, it’s one at which the ABC continues to excel.
Around stalwarts Jim Maxwell and Drew Morphett, good ol’ Aunty has assembled a colourful and authoritative bunch of describers.
Quentin Hull has been an entirely admirable and justified inclusion: the volatility that comes with his inner football caller brings a genuine in-the-moment excitement.
Kerry O’Keefe has his detractors, but his rascal charm is as undeniable, his ‘been there’ knowledge gifts him proper insight, and like most rapscallions, he’s wily and bright.
Everyone loves Aggers’ self-deprecating wit, of course, especially when his mob’s being trounced. ‘Henry’ Lawson’s often bluntly delivered black-and-white world finds its place.
That’s just a few of the crew, but you get the picture. All add something by being little more than themselves. Day in, day out, it works.
On the other hand, Channel Nine is officially out of control.
Michael Slater is charming and quick but instead of calling as he batted – with instinct – he’s forced to play some sort of quiz show wag. Shazzam, anyone?
Mark Taylor betrays his reputation as an astute cricket thinker by allowing someone to puppet-string him as Tubs the Dancing Clown.
Mark Nicholas undermines his undoubted and articulate nous by glistening in a younger man’s suit, winking at the wives of Australia and salivating over interview subjects just as Alan Jones might Christopher Pyne.
Shane Warne, a commentator I’ve admired during spells in England, now gibbers on about hostile Koala Loompers and slips in Root jokes that were already tired before a ball had been bowled in anger in the last Ashes series.
And James Brayshaw? You know what I was saying before about Quentin Hull? Well Brayshaw – far from a dill, it must be said – is cast as an oafish, boorish antithesis.
Meanwhile Ian Healy tries to tie it all together as some kind of brainstrust, but he’s herding oily cats fuelled by trucker speed.
Imported duo Bumble Lloyd and Michael Vaughan valiantly try to play along. They’re fooling no one.
Cricket is a game that affords us the time to think hypercritically and that in itself makes it easy to pick on commentators. But this mob is sticking its collective neck out.
Billy Birmingham has made a living out of lampooning personal peccadilloes. How would he go with this current lot? Probably a whole lot harder taking the mickey out of a bunch who already present as caricatures.
The cricket’s with us all summer. So then is Channel Nine. Skip the bored housewife/inattentive husband/well endowed pool boy plotline. Let Marilyn’s glorious pout return.
It’s all us cricket types ever needed, really.
mactheblack
Guest
Hi I'm a Saffer and have only occasionally heard of some of the people you have mentioned. ABC's Jim Maxwell, who I've heard sometime ago as a visiting broadcaster on air in SA, pure class with his insightful comment and is always up to date. A good cricketer does not necessarily a good commentator make. Taylor and Healy not commentators at all in my book. Once top international cricketers of course, but can they not use that to give us more insight .. rather than indulge in comic moments that other viewers might have no clue of .. oh and their bias a bit too over the top. Miss the excitement of Lawry and late Greig on air, while Benaud just gave you the important facts! In the old days I liked Tim May's commentating. Tom Moody's guesting in SA quite excellent and sometimes like out of a coaching manual. Actually quite frankly they should kick off most of the old international players, with the exception of a select few. Schooled commentators are much better at not describing every step of the action when we can observe it!
Rick asbury
Guest
Australia have always played well when they target the English captain and when he fails the hole team in under pressure Well done boys Great to hear m Hussey commentating was a very good player keep up the good work mate All is not lost for England looks like they have some players for the future in Morgan and stokes.
Byron Egan
Guest
I agree. I am watching the first ODI and I can not recall a worse commentary in 60 years of following cricket. Just occasionally I would like to know the score of each player at the crease and perhaps how many overs have been bowled . Instead I am subjected to what can only be described as trivial bullshit from a vast array of commentators. Why not focus on the game being telecast and stop massaging the egos of these overpaid has beens.
Jagger
Guest
It is great to be able to watch cricket without having to hear Michael Slater's conversation with himself, the mob from Sydney's western suburbs seem to love so much. Well done Channel 10.
John wills
Guest
I just watch the tv on mute and listen to the ABC maybe delayed but better than listening to moaner Taylor.
Clavers
Guest
+2 And Harsha Bhogle And does Mahatma Khot (Greg Ritchie) count?
Clavers
Guest
Yes, true. A take-off from an old Monty Python sketch lampooning Australians. perhaps we should have thought of something better in the 25 years since. John Newcombe and other Aussie tennis players of his generation had a ditty cum warcry half made up Aboriginal words (many of them fake). I've never heard it sung but going by the lyrics which Newc has written up in his book it seems to have been even worse. :(
Clavers
Guest
Don't forget Greg Ritchie -- in the guise of Mahatma Khot! :D
albert smith
Guest
I agree that should be an option for all sports. We had that option for the Olympic opening ceremony on the BBC, which I took rather than listen to welsh windbag newsreader Huw Edwards prattle on and ruin the spectacle. I was able to listen to the music and appreciate then spectacle, which spoke for itself,without any inane comments from him and his co commentators.
Phil Coorey
Roar Pro
" while subservient to their Channel 9 masters decided to drink something other than VB, I can’t imagine that CUB was too happy with that." Peroni and Crown lager are made and distributed by the same brewery. But , yeah it was as awkward as the Taylor intrusion to be honest
albert smith
Guest
Bumble is not on the Beeb he's SKY.
rooboy
Guest
…what really surprised me is channel 9 employing modoy he sticks out head and shoulders above em all That's 'cos Big Tom is 7 feet tall.
bilbo
Guest
KS, good pick up on the changing of the guard re commentary. Sadly with Greig's passing, Lawry and Benaud see fit to do just the Melb & Syd venues, as their befitting their age and health requirements. Like Pandora's box, this has opened the door for the Scallywags. Brayshaw and Bumbles have taken us down a tawdry path. Healy has had to become Slat's OB1 Kenobe. Chappell's response is to become invasive and inflective, which only Heal's seems to be able to counter, albeit only at face value, and for an over or two (not that stops Chappelli from raising the same point hours later with diff commentators). Tubbs is struggling to become that Greigy/Benaud 'rein them in' commentary leader, to the point where dandy Nicholas has had to impress upon Brayshaw and Slater his bona fides. Yes, can't wait till Boxing Day and grown-ups at the wheel again.
anfalicious
Guest
Billy Birmingham said he can't do anything with the current crop because there's no unique voices; I think he said he can kind of do a tubby, but everyone else comes out the same. James Brawshaw, Eddie McEverywhere's apprentice, doesn't seem to understand he's calling cricket, not football. It's driving me nuts. Chaps has to go, but I think the rest are coming on slowly. This is the first year that Tubby hasn't driven me nuts; after a decade of calling he should have it worked out by now. I like Warnie, Bumbles and Mark Nicholls.
bilbo
Guest
Crass and cringe long part of Oz sports - Hewitt still wears his cap backwards, Rafter at Wimbledon wearing short pyjamas and getting trounced in final, the yearly Tomic and Stosur proclamations re Oz Open, NRL commentary, . Taylor's crashing of celebs is just another EVENT. It does fit though as Tubbs was emphasisizing the point that getting back the Urn was just as important to the next gen of Oz cricket as was his beating Windies in Caribbean. Hence his necessary prescence in the glossy pics. (AB bashing down WACA lockers with his bat seemingly forgotten re v Windies year/series before.) Did the producers put him up to it? I'd say it was half/half but that he jumped at the offering. Remember he is now not the captain, but a struggling commentator (as many of you maintain) whose ongoing prescence is more assured by the dearth of quality coming through (as many of you maintain), than his actual contributions. I love Tubby's captaining nous, his occasional short-tethering of Slater, thank gd, and his generosity of spirit compared to crabby Chappell, who despite finding his perfect protege in Clarke, will always find complaint. But then I love the old guard's throws 'back to the days when....', which highlight the games amateur beginnings (sport) to todays full time professionals (commercial corporateness). Yes the lines do get blurred, but there's always the ABC alternative.......
Pom in Oz
Roar Guru
To me it reflects the way cricket has developed in recent years. It has focussed more on the crash, bang, wallop of quick entertainment, in the form of T20. The Ch9 team has developed in the same way, even though they're not even commentating on T20. I think it is a little disrespectful to our beloved 5 day game, no more deeply demonstrated, by the dressing room debacle...
jeznez
Roar Guru
He was a bloody good captain. Just look at the fact that Punter has 5 test wickets!
johnb747b
Guest
Has anyone heard how Richie is going? I survived a similar car accident, miraculously, & can relate to his circumstances. In his absence from the Ch 9 commentary team I turn the tv sound down & play classical music. That combination of vision & sound is infinitely preferable to the garbage that tv commentators feel obliged to regale us with. I spent 12 years playing cricket, league then union. My criterion for a good commentator is if I learn something from their comments, have my knowledge enhanced. I always learned something from Richie. I'd put Warren Ryan in the same class for his radio comments on league. He'd shut up until appropriate to inject remarks on developing strategy in a game. Taylor? Slater? Chappell? Warne? Nicholas? Ray Warren, the worst of them all in my many years of following sport? I've learned nothing from any of them, hence my decision to turn down the sound. Mozart... Bach... Beethoven... in the background as I let my eyes do the work. I shut my eyes during the ad breaks & let the music work its magic on me.
Wozza
Guest
You leave skull alone ,,,,he's a legend
davros
Guest
cause he knows Mickey will brook no s...t and he is on his best behavior ....you could flick Slater yesterday and it wouldn't be soon enough...what really surprised me is channel 9 employing modoy he sticks out head and shoulders above em all