An interview with a cricket umpire

So, Mr Umpire, perhaps you can talk us through what your role is these days… do you call no balls?

Not really Dennis. I leave that for the TV guy.

What about making calls on LBWs?

Nup, we have DRS for that. Anyway, who wants to get it wrong and look like a fool on national TV – benefit of the doubt and all that.

What about controversial catches?

Yeah, nah… the guy in the box will press the button that turns on the red or green light for me.

Do you need to count to six?

Billy Bowden has coached us that five or seven is close enough. Variety is the spice of life.

Run outs?

Yeah, that TV guy thing again.

Enforce the throwing law?

Ummm… what’s that?

Use a light metre?

Nup. We have lights now and if the match is a World Cup final, we can just play until 3am.

Count the two allotted bouncers an over?

I just tap my shoulder after random short pitched deliveries and signal a one with my index finger. Let’s not rock the boat.

What about the really important stuff? Do you flick the bails at the end of each session?

Yes. It’s important we hover over them for a few seconds before the flick to create tension. We practice that.

I guess you still hold the bowlers glasses, jumper and hat?

Yes. I was rated second last year in hat on hat balancing. I still haven’t quite worked out how to put the bowler’s glasses on those two hats.

Do you call wides?

This is sacrosanct. Thanks God for those little white lines on the crease.

Two legs?

I guess so, but I’m not really sure what the batsman is asking for, so I just guess.

Signal four and six?

I do it, but there is no reason to. It’s not like the TV guy is blind.

I really enjoy doing that free hit helicopter move thingy though. I also like signalling new ball. It’s like I’ve taken a five’fer.

Thanks Mr Umpire.