For the greater good, it's time to merge all codes

It seems that the Australian footballing world is in turmoil whichever way you turn.

In Brazil, our so-called Socceroos failed yet again to do anything more than convince the rest of the world that they were the bravest and most virtuous of all men; actual World Cups remain thin on the ground.

Back home, soccer’s sister codes struggle just as much. The AFL battles the perception that it is soft on drugs, or too harsh on drugs, or whatever perception this Essendon thing is supposed to have created.

Rugby union’s Wallabies plod onwards in a slow losing fight against complex rules, dwindling popularity, and fairly stupid TV commercials.

And the NRL suffered yet another PR body blow, its attempt to broaden its appeal to mums and dads who wish their sons to grow up to swallow their own bodily waste backfiring as a larger proportion of the league-watching public than expected turned out to not want that at all.

It’s a vexing problem. As a nation, we seem to have so much sporting potential, with four strong, firm, well-toned football codes to enjoy, where others struggle to maintain just two or three, having to pick up the slack with ludicrous “sports” like “cycling” or “war”.

We could really make something of ourselves if our football varieties didn’t continue to shoot themselves in the foot with the depressing predictability of Jack Bauer interrogating himself.

How can we make this wonderful abundance of football into a boon and economic driver for our country, rather than an embarrassment and inspiration for parents to push their children into judo classes?

The way I see it, the answer is clear – we have to end the division.

The different Australian footballs have never really gotten along. Rugby league and rugby union have been at each other’s throats ever since Dally Messenger quit the 15-man game for the working man’s pursuit, claiming that union scrums were “too homoerotic”.

And both those codes have warred with Australian Rules, the latter’s tight shorts and use of the phrase “buttering up” drawing much derision from adherents of the northern faiths, which are reciprocally mocked by Aussie Rules devotees for their thick, brutish necks and neglect of foot skills in favour of GBH convictions.

And of course, all three of the more violent codes make nasty digs at soccer, claiming it appeals only to a narrow niche of recent immigrants, asthmatics and the entire rest of the world. And of course soccer returns fire, pointing out that not only are other versions of football laughably misnamed, what with all the ball-handling, but that none of their players are even billionaires.

Of course it’s all in good fun, and in the past I’ve been as guilty as anyone of giving mischievous voice to my ingrained, violent loathing of those with differing recreational preferences to myself, as is the Australian way. But it’s got to stop. None of the footballs can truly reach its potential unless all of them bury the hatchet and agree to work together for the common good.

The fact is, the codes can be very good to each, due to their complementary skills and weaknesses. If you’re building a house, you don’t simply employ one carpenter and hope he can improvise on the plumbing and the wiring and the concreting.

You put together a team, whose skill sets each contribute something.

So it is with football. If the four sports can join forces, we don’t have to see the sad sight of rugby union’s wistful glances at AFL’s crowd-drawing capacity, or AFL’s jealousy of soccer’s internationalism, or soccer’s frustration that the Australian rugby league team carries so many World Cups in its kit bag – or rugby league’s poignant attempts to learn just how the other codes manage to use toilets correctly.

No, one hand washes the other – this is especially relevant regarding the toilet thing – and with a joint strike force of footballs, the fortes of each code will eliminate the blind spots of the others. Soccer steps in to solve the problem of Aussie Rules parochialism, rugby union teaches rugby league just how to get money out of wealthy privileged private school jerks, AFL makes up for union’s excessive sleeve length, and league teaches soccer how to hit people.

But how do we do this? How do we create this attractive synthesis between a group of sports that, for all their mutual interests, have for so many years been fighting like lobsters and prawns?

What we do is create the National Australian All-Football Friendship Association, or NAAFFA. This would be a body comprising all the major Australian footballing codes, overseeing the conduct, promotion and exploitation of a new sport which will include all the best bits of each sport.

This means the competition will possess the purity and integrity of soccer’s round ball, the beautiful brutality of league’s tackling, the unpredictability of union’s broken play, and the aerial acrobatics and athleticism of the AFL.

Only the very elite Australian footballers will play in the NAAFFA. No longer will our best athletes, in choosing their sport, be leaving rival games bereft. Now all the great ball-handling, kicking, running, passing and tackling skills will be funnelled into the one powerhouse uber-sport.

And now, with the NAAFFA up and running, the potential of Aussie footy will finally be fulfilled. The public image of rugby league? No problem – the more discreet union boys and genteel soccerers will be present to exert a civilising influence.

The AFL’s drugs imbroglio? Forget about it – with the best athletes in the land guaranteed to be present, the pressure to chemically enhance players’ physiques will lessen, and the study required to learn the rules will leave no time for fiddling with needles. Union’s difficulty in generating mass appeal? Well that is obviously no longer an issue as four lots of fans are poured into one giant fan-vat.

And most of all, the shame and humiliation of travelling to the world’s biggest sporting contest and going home as losers will evaporate. For when the Socceroos next go to the Cup, not only will they have in their number those soccer geniuses that might otherwise have been lost to rival codes, every player in the squad will possess not only divine round-ball abilities, but the endurance running and vertical leap of the elite AFL star, the physical toughness and aggressive intent of the typical leaguie, and the ability to hide blatant rule infractions from the referee of the union warrior.

Maybe my proposal will find opposition. I hope it does – sweet it will be when the critics are proved wrong and sink into deep depression from the embarrassment of how much better I am than them. But you can rest assured that if you back the NAAFFA, you’re on a winner.

It’s 2014. Isn’t it time Australian footy became all it can be?