This is a highly confidential message for David Smith and his peacekeeping delegates.
Consider me a trenchcoat-wearing informant in a carpark, shrouded in shadows and smoking a cigarette. Lend me your ears and bring it in close, because this intel is so goddamn classified that I’m going to have to whisper.
If you must know, I’m a mysterious insider from an unidentified source. I’ve taken a break from providing quotes for tabloids to inform you that your game is in grave danger.
It’s really serious – it could even be worthy of the word ‘crisis’ in bold.
I am holding all of the information you need to know in a microchip that’s contained inside this briefcase. However, being a visual prop in a written piece, it is somewhat redundant. To remedy this, I’m just going to give you the bad news myself now.
The great game of rugby league is under threat from a new danger – and no, it’s not gambling or Ray Hadley or the modern revolution of blokes giving themselves a good hosing down.
This new enemy is sneaky and nimble and it’s infiltrating rugby league like a devious disease that threatens to tear at the game’s vulnerable fleshy bits. The subject’s title?
Niggle.
Yes, Niggle is a right-wing extremist group based along the eastern seaboard of Australia, with recruits growing by the second. It must be watched like a hawk – in fact, it’s getting so bad that you might want to opt for a second referee.
The organisation states in its propaganda material that it’s “highly disappointed with the direction of the game”, that the game has “moved away from its once-great fundamentals of liberal affray” and that it would ultimately like to “see the punch returned so we can watch Birdy go off again”.
While Niggle’s principles may seem barbaric and retrograde, its tactics are highly sophisticated and frustratingly subterranean.
Knowing that public opinion cannot be swayed with violent protests in the modern day, Niggle has resorted to sly, underhanded tactics to spread its message, hopeful that one day that they will become so ingrained and widespread in the game that it will force action from the authorities.
Niggle believes that by re-introducing mild violent conduct to the field on a smaller scale and frustrating its participants in to regular exhibits of handbags at ten paces, it will weaken rugby league’s quality to the point where a fleeting session of punches to the melon will suddenly look like an attractive alternative.
Unfortunately, this is where the problem lies. Due to these imperceptible combat methods, Niggle cannot be pinpointed, cornered or seized. It presents itself in many different forms and is an ever-evolving target, kinda like that bad dude in Terminator 2.
While it has been on a slow journey to gain prevalence, the organisation managed to land its biggest blow in front of its greatest ever audience when it hijacked the second game of State of Origin and crippled it beyond recognition.
It then backed this up by resurfacing for the third match, despite pre-emptive measures from authorities to quell the potential for further catty squabbling. Even with a change in arbitration and a healthy ten metres for a game with nothing riding on it, Niggle still managed to interfere with the spectacle on numerous occasions.
Prior to these strikes, Niggle’s only sightings were mostly on ‘Bring Back the Biff’ bumper stickers and grainy videos filmed from dark caves using poor production values and featuring disgruntled former greats.
Despite the looming threat, work has begun on strategies to combat their movements.
While this is yet to be confirmed, we can advise that potential suspects have been identified thanks to the extensive examination of footage by the intelligence agency I run from my laundry.
After repeated viewings of the evidence and its stringent cross-referencing with what I’ve learnt from watching Homeland, I highly recommend that extra units are immediately deployed to watchtowers stationed in and around the forehead of Nate Myles, the radial bone of Paul Gallen and the vocalisation devices of Josh Reynolds, Greg Bird and in times of intense provocation, Johnathan Thurston.
This advice must be heeded immediately, as ground forces have relayed knowledge that the group is planning further strikes – but it probably won’t be this weekend, as nobody really watches split rounds full of exhausted Origin players.
Niggle’s commanders state publicly they are willing to negotiate with the leaders of the game to come to a compromise, however they must be approached with caution. They are highly dangerous and are known to collar-punch, rumble-waltz and verbally abuse using some of the most unintelligent insults known to man.
David, this is no time to hesitate. While Niggle may not be as critical as someone placing a $5 multi on themselves, it is still gravely serious – and bloody excruciating to watch, to be honest.
God speed, and fight the good fight. And do you have a spare smoke?
Jack Henry
Guest
You know, you're right. It was a bit uncalled for - and I know a lot of Aussie soccer fans in particular who hate that culture.
Cadfael
Roar Guru
Hundred present agree. The reporting system was brought in solely so that incidents missed by the referee and touchies or where they were unsighted. Anything else was to have been dealt with on the field. referees are abrogating their role by referring nearly every incident to the report. Whether referees have been instructed to not use the sin bin or send off or that they are afraid to because of adverse comments from the media I don't know but something needs to be done. First is that players need to stop having a go at the ref like in soccer.
Hurler on the Ditch
Guest
>> And make it for diving as well – This isn’t soccer. To be fair Association football fans are keen on diving either,
Luke M
Guest
You take away the punch, it gives free reign for players to do what they want without repercussions. Do you think Thurston would have slapped Beau Scott a couple of years ago? Scott would have rearranged his face.
Jimmy
Guest
The rules are their to stop it, as a matter of fact there is very little in normal NRL matches as it always gets penalised. It was allowed to flourish in SOO game two , but if the refs had penalised the first couple of instances, it would have stopped. Once allowed to happen it is very difficult to start penalising it mid game. Game three had very little. Just penalise it every time it happens, no big deal.
Jackson Henry
Guest
Agreed.
Peximus
Guest
Want the biff! Go watch UFC!! We talking rugby league here and Not freestyle martial arts!
ChubbzyK96
Guest
Bring Back the Biff! = No More Niggle. SLap and tickle is only a by product of the one punch and your off thing...
Jackson Henry
Guest
Put in an "unsportmanslike conduct" violation, or, follww the lead of NBA's "flagrant foul" violation, maybe call it a flagrant penalty or something. "Unnecessary conduct"? Something along these lines at least. And make it for diving as well - I'm talking to you, Greg Louganis Bird. This isn't soccer. You're exactly right - if they start penalising the players for this, it will get stamped out real quick. And put it on report, so the match-review committee can take all the time in the world with the video. I hate that phrase "it's a man's game". Please, how embarrassing. Go play MMA to get your fix of that sort of thing. In Rugby League its about winning the collisions and first-contacts...not physically harming your opoonent to the point where they require hospitalisation. Being tough means making three tackles in a row, taking the hitup when no-one wants to and putting your body on the line to stop tries. It isn't elbows in the face while an attacker is prone, it isn't headbutts and swinging arms...
Peximus
Guest
What's wrong with just penalizing what's being played out in front of you! Send offs fot worse case deemable fouls! Penalise elbows, face slaps, unnecessary referee back chats, spear tackles, swinging arms etc.. Where necessary march em 10ms!.. Worse case scenarios bin em or send em off! make use of the rule books! penalise appropriately where due! I am tired of stuff put on report & then players fined to miss games in retrospect! Why not just penalise them accordingly when the game is on! Throw the book at em! Use the bin, the 10m rule, send offs etc. there are rules in this game! Start enforcing them so that we get to enjoy the games
River Lad
Guest
Sam Burgess and his squirrel grip. Why would a man want to grab another man's gear?
AdamS
Roar Guru
Get rid of the Grub Bros Gallen and Bird and you will see an immediate 78% reduction in the Niggle.
AdelaideWill
Guest
Yes and Gallen and his stitchers ripping, Woods and the raised elbow or Bird and his endless dives
AdelaideWill
Guest
Yes lets keep banning everything until we have a completely different sport - -ohh wait
Storm Boy
Guest
They banned punching out of fear it was turning mums off the game which meant less boys playing. But everyone thinks its ok and even funny that Bird faked the damage he looked to have got from Myles elbow apparently hitting his throat. No one is worried about how many mums got turned off the game from that incident. http://www.sportsfan.com.au/bird-played-up-myles-shot,-says-fittler/tabid/91/newsid/137005/default.aspx "Absolutely he played it up," Fittler told SportsFan's Will McCloy. "He does that heaps Bird, he's one of the best. He's one of our best actors."
Clark
Guest
Quite disappointing to have the image of Thurston there. Why not Bird? Reynolds? Gallen?...
QldRed
Guest
Still laughing at your comment Muzz. So ridiculous.
Meesta Cool;
Guest
It is now official, game 2 was the worst display of *ANT" ever seen on a RL field. Let's hope this tactic is wiped out before next years amazing comeback series. I just got my laff of the season from the Comment , "Actually, i think it’s predominantly a QLD thing". Thanks Muzz That is XXXX GOLD!. *ANT*: "Annoying Niggle Tactics"
Cadfael
Roar Guru
Let's not forget Gallen and Bird. remember it was because of Gallen that the no punching edit came in.
Crowdy
Guest
Sad to say that this man's game is headed down the pathway towards the antics of soccer players. It is getting unbearable to watch rugby league players now holding onto guernseys and pushing and shoving, even a face slap. Soon the game won't be worthwhile watching as a rugged, contact sport between gladiators. But as long as the 'do-gooders' are once again appeased then that is what is important. Anyone for tennis?