Manly will win the NRL premiership this season

Every year Wayne Bennett has left a club, Manly have gone on to win the NRL premiership: 1987 (Bennett leaves the Raiders), 2008 (Broncos) and 2011 (Dragons). It’s a statistical fact: Bennett leaves a club, Manly win the premiership.

At first I didn’t believe it. I checked Wikipedia to see if the dates were wrong. They weren’t. I checked the ladder to see if Manly couldn’t win this year. They’re top of the table.

I checked recent news articles to see if there was anything happening that could possibly stop Manly. A glimmer of hope. Internal strife. Players not happy. Daly Cherry-Evans unsigned.

But something didn’t seem right. All this recent unrest seemed a little too convenient for a team that had made nine consecutive finals appearances. I had questions.

Why had news of Steve Matai’s potential departure only come out since Wayne announced he was going back to Brisbane? Why were we talking about DCE’s contract midway through the season? Is Kieran Foran able to formulate his own opinions?

I pored over reports and club records, through media statements and team photos. Then I made a breakthrough. He’d been there all along, staring back at me with that cheeky grin and those twinkling blue eyes: Geoff Toovey, A.K.A The man who made a deal with the devil to deliver Manly-Warringah grand final glory whenever Bennett leaves someone else’s town.

It was so obvious. How could I have been blind to this truth for so long?

Prior to making his first-grade debut in 1998, it’s a little-known fact that during the 1987 season – the year the Bennett/Manly black magic pact was entered into – Toovey was the personal chauffeur, speechwriter and accountant for then Sea Eagles coach Bob Fulton.

In 2008 he performed the same duties for then head coach Des Hasler, also adding hair stylist, dog walker and assistant coach to his CV.

In 2011 he practically played halfback for the Silvertails again, spending three quarters of the season running water while organising the Manly forward pack.

And that brings us up to date. 2014. A week after Bennett announced his departure from the Newcastle Knights and two months away from the grand final, Geoff Toovey sits in the head coach’s chair at Manly, like Sauron in Mount Doom, biding his time.

I don’t know what young Geoff Toovey had to give up in his bargain with Satan. If I had to guess it seems like his golden, flowing locks were at least part of the agreement, possibly his mind, and almost certainly the ability to control his temper.

As for the smoke and mirror act that Toovey has put on recently to try and distract from Manly’s inevitable grand final victory, it won’t work. Players angry at the club, Matai going to the Warriors, Foran having an original thought. I just don’t buy it.

Do you really think Kieran Foran even knew what he was saying when he was talking about Matai? Look a little closer and you can see it was clearly Toovey pulling the strings. The following are excerpts from Foran’s statement:

“I guess there are issues to be sorted,” Foran said. You know who else has wanted to sort out issues in the past? Geoff Toovey.

“It is just about the boys getting on with things and having the best year we can possibly have,” Foran said. You know who else wanted Manly to have a good year? You guessed it, Toovey.

“I think so,” Foran said. Kieran Foran thought something? Impossible! There is no way that this occurred. This is clear evidence that the puppet master Toovey was behind all of this.

“Bye.” Ha, nice attempt to throw us off the scent Geoff!

The jig is up! You can stop with all the off-field shenanigans now Tooves. Your secret is out and Pommy Dave may as well start engraving the Provan and Summons with ‘Silvertails’ today.

I’m not a sports scientist or even a particularly good pundit, but given the evidence on the table, the theory I’ve come up with could withstand very, very light investigation before it falls apart. I’ve given you the evidence, you be the judge.

Also, I am aware that Manly somehow managed to pull a rabbit out of the hat without the Bennett black magic in 1996. However, it’s pretty obvious to me that every other club was just distracted by the upcoming formation of Super League.

You think somehow Manly won the comp all those times by being the best team? Ridiculous…

(I’d like to acknowledge @AndrewBryan321 for bringing this important information to everyone’s attention.)