Now that this Sharks v ASADA bullkaka has finally been euthanised, let us give the episode it’s final rites by remembering how the whole hideous situation was spawned.
It was Canberra in February 2013. We humble sport-worshipping Aussies were treated to a chest-beating press conference from government senators that shook our beliefs to the core.
In hindsight, it was nothing more than a load of self-serving pee and breeze to rival a Warwick Capper spoken word album.
Yes people, we’ve been served tablets, creams, injections and fibs from a-hole to breakfast, and it’s all been the fault of those clowns in congress. Can you imagine if they had just told the truth?
Well imagine no longer. To help with your healing, here is the spin-free press release from the government from that fateful day, and in a tribute to ASADA and general ministerial practice, it’s only 18 months late.
The Australian Government has called this press conference to release the findings of our prolonged investigation in to the integrity of Australian sport. As you can tell, we’re really serious about this; there’s microphones everywhere and even Laurie Oakes has been forced from the canteen to hear what we’re about to say.
Over the last 12 months, specialised teams have been enlisted to review the relationships between professional sporting clubs, prohibited substances and organised crime rings. When I say ‘review’, I mean ‘thoroughly audit’ or ‘find smoke that we can pass off as fire’, and as a floundering government with questionable standards, we are stoked with the 50 per cent return on this directive.
The results of this report that I am about to exaggerate to you will rock the Australian sporting scene for decades to come, subsequently keeping boundless numbers of unqualified analysts in jobs and boring the public batty in the process.
Firstly, we would like to announce that Australian sport is riddled with rotten candy. Well, we believe it is anyway.
This report undeniably outlines a possible whiff of widespread drug use including peptides, hormones and party drugs that exists across all codes. We reckon this whiff is strong, however we’re just not sure where it’s coming from, or if it even exists. In fact, it could even be the toast that my adviser just burnt in the chamber lunchroom. In light of this, we say bugger it – it’s fresh and ballsy and we’re going to run with it.
Some of these substances reported as being used are highly dangerous. In some cases, just like XXXX, they’re not even approved for human use. In other cases, they are administered by that guy from the movie Dumb and Dumber. Apparently.
While the use of equine-standard growth hormones on athletes is awaiting confirmation, we can categorically certify that Gatorade powder and Deep Heat is rife as a performance enhancer, while Red Bull, unwashed beer bongs, and excessive hair product is commonplace for recreational use.
Secondly, many Australian sporting organisations have been linked with various criminal identities and underground organisations, resulting in the unwanted exposure to potential match-fixing and backyard tatts of poor standard.
While actual ‘connections’ between Australian athletes and anyone from a Channel Nine mini-series is yet to be fully confirmed with first-hand accounts or evidence, we can confirm that we have read Johnny Elias’ book- and that guy is a nasty scofflaw who has punched out a few cankers in his time!
Thirdly, the report notes the increasing number of personal relationships forming between professional athletes and various colourful racing identities with links to seedy subterranean gambling networks.
We can confirm that Nathan Tinkler has been seen transferring very small amounts of cash to a limited number of Newcastle Knights players, and that the Wolfman had five on this and parlayed it in to the Doggies 13+.
As you can see, these findings are as shocking and disturbing as they are flimsy, hence our desire to have this matter resolved as swiftly as possible sometime this century.
In due course, hopefully some real evidence will show up, most probably through talkback radio or some unqualified medical practitioner from Greystanes looking for his 15 minutes. If not, I guess we’ll just have to bully some fringe first-grader in to an admission of guilt over one too many protein shakes in Thailand.
In the interim, this report has been referred to relevant law enforcement agencies including the Australian Federal Police and NewsCorp. A process of further investigation is being formed with government units being granted further wide-ranging powers such as: the ability to seize the iPhones of anyone passing through Customs without a neck, and the power to compel players to attend interviews in casual streetwear to ‘paint a f*cking picture’.
In addition to this, all of the governing bodies of Australia’s major professional sporting codes have committed to the following three point plan in response to these findings:
In summary, we would like to send this warning to those who chose to play outside of the laws of the game in Australia.
If you choose to take drugs, we will catch you. Or bluff you with a sweet penalty bargain.
If you choose to mix with underworld figures, then hang with John Ibrahim. His nightclubs are off the hook.
And finally, if you choose to gamble, you choose to run the gauntlet. So just get your missus to put on your multis, you galoot!
Sam Atkinson
Roar Pro
Flanagan should never coach again!!!
Gaz
Guest
Not in any order. Bringing the game into disrepute. Bringing sport in general in Australia into disrepute. Disregard for players lives, welfare, careers, reputation. The irresponsibility of those administrators who showed a lack of responsibility and duty of care. To name but a few. Call it what you will.
Gaz
Guest
We're talking about WADA not ASADA
Gaz
Guest
Ah! - so you did read a bout it.
Gaz
Guest
Didn't said 'WADA is reported to be not happy with the ‘penalties’ Read about your self!
Gaz
Guest
Said 'Appreciate the lightheartedness'
Poppy
Guest
If they aren't telling them what they are taking then it doesn't sound too professional to me. I don't know where the greater corruption exists. The NRL, the AFL, the clubs, the media or the political but I do know that with each day that passes Professional sport is a little further estranged to me and from what I consider "a good life". I learn to appreciate with each waking day just why the victorian era so valued the amateur ideal and to what extent Australia is so very rapidly becoming a "Banana republic".
Jimmy
Guest
Show cause notice to ASADA for incompetence and lack of credibility.
AL
Guest
GALLAN DID IT WILLINGLY ALSO. Every professional sports person is educated in how to act and respond to drugs being injected into their bodies.
AL
Guest
Jo M, agree all should be held accountable. Incuding and especially the players. Dont kid yourself they knew exactly what they were doing and taking. And WADA will come over the top and issue correct punishments. Tell me did they get positive drug test from Lance Armstrong???? Many drugs are made up so that they cannot be traced in the players via drug tests. Dont kid yourself. IT WAS PURE AND BLATANT CHEATING. The first step for the NRL and AFL is to accept that this DID happen. There codes and teams DID cheat. They are not any holier than others. Only then can they move on.
uPelican
Guest
This all reminds me of that Hicks bloke who had to admit he was a terrorist in order to get out of Prison over in the US base in Cuba . The AFL will belt these empty shirts in court.
Jo M
Guest
Yes, it is each person's responsibility what goes into their mouths or onto their skin. My son is friends with a couple of NRL players who are told what to take and when, what to eat and when. It is the same with other sports. Same in cricket. How many balls they are allowed to bowl at a training session, do this for recovery, do that for recovery, eat this at this time, eat this at that time. Same in swimming and I would imagine athletics as well. They are given an individualised program and are expected to follow it to the letter. In this case, the injections went for 4 weeks out of the 11 that Dank was there, how often who knows. I don't imagine there are too many footy players who are the sharpest tools in the shed. If they are told to do something, they do it without too many questions. The club doctor wasn't aware of the injections, he was kept in the dark and ended up being sacked after finding out about it and bringing it to the club's attention. It came from the coach and strength and conditioning coach. I don't agree it is systematic doping, it didn't go on for long enough to be that. Systematic doping is what Armstrong did, what the Chinese swimmers did, what the German athletes did, what Marion Jones did, what Ben Johnson did and I have no doubt that a couple of other Olympic gold medalists did, but were either never caught or it was brushed under the carpet because of who they were/are. They did it knowingly and for a long time.
eagleJack
Guest
Nice bit of hyperbole there RBBA. Have you ever been around a professional sporting setup? Players trust those in a position to be giving them the correct supplements. It isn't naivety. It is simply common practice. Take these pills, drink this shake. However, as you correctly point out ultimately the players are responsible for what they put in their bodies. And hence why they took the deal. Put it behind them. This sorry saga would have dragged on for years and years. The emotional and financial toll would have been extreme. Oh and some players are suing the club. A large group would never knowingly take illegal supplements. It just wouldn't happen as they know their livelihood relies on them being out on the footy field.
RBBAnonymous
Guest
I don't see it this way. There was systematic cheating at Cronulla and they were caught. The coaches knew it, Stephen Dank knew it and the players knew it. If everyone claims that the players just accepted what the doctors and the club gave them without their knowledge then I find that even more incredible. As professional athletes EVERY one is responsible for what they put in their body. They can barely go to a pharmacist and buy cough medicine without checking it first. If say after all this the players were fully trusting of the doctors and the club that what they gave them was not performance enhancing then as a player I would be going all out and sueing the club for all I can. The club, the coaches and the doctors all have a duty of care to the players. You are telling me the players didn't know. Of course they knew, and if they didn't know, they are either naive in the extreme or very stupid. The people around the world must be laughing at us right now. Here we are criticizing countries for being drug cheats and for systematic doping and asking for heavy fines and penalties and we give 3 weeks for people admitting wrong doing. What a joke, the players got of lightly and we have lost all our credibility in the sporting world. We don't have a leg to stand on.
Jo M
Guest
What absolute rubbish Paneer. Armstrong did it year after year and knew he was doing it and did it more than willingly.
Paneer
Guest
Paul Gallen can now be mentioned in the same sentence as Lance Armstrong. Ok, maybe not same sentence...or even paragraph, but in the same book/essay/article maybe. :P
Jo M
Guest
Difference is Al that Olympians would be caught by a positive drug test, unlike this case where there are no positive tests, just a whole bunch of emails and god knows what else. They took this deal on legal advice. The decisions were delayed until right at the deadline because the lawyers hadn't received assurances in writing that WADA would not take further action. That apparently came through very late as a one paragraph item that stated they were comfortable with the penalties that ASADA had handed out and then on legal advice they took the deal. If they fought it (and by all accounts quite a few wanted to) it would have been drawn out for another 2-3 years and cost anywhere up to $300,000.00. How many of these guys could afford that, answer is none. They didn't plead guilty to being a drug cheat, they can't because they don't know for sure what was given to them. Elkin I think said it was this peptide and that growth hormone, but who knows for sure. How would you trust anything he says? Dank has always said that nothing was banned. Again, who knows for sure? How do any of them know they were given these banned substances, some might have been and some maybe not, but none of them know who got what. Could have been Vitamin B12 shots as well couldn't it. Like Bennett said, he and his staff give their players a drink and tell them to drink it. The players trust that he is doing the right thing. He also said that there is no way a whole team/squad would agree to take a banned substance, maybe one or two, but not a whole team. These boys have been let down by their coach and his staff and they are the ones that should be made to pay for this.
Mister Football
Roar Guru
c because it was all about political grandstanding, that is well established now, the ACC report and the pollitical response to it was exaggerated to all buggery.
Mister Football
Roar Guru
JOhn Fahey? Was he wearing his clown nose?
Mister Football
Roar Guru
serious problem???