The definitive guide to who does what in the Wallabies

Oh Wallabies, you silly billies. What a rigmarole we’ve been through in Australian rugby this week. Internal discord. Lewd texts. Aeroplane arguments. Dark mutterings and resentful accusations.

Weird mid-test hotel bill negotiations. It’s been a nightmare, and as many shrewd judges have observed, it’s all been down to a basic lack of organisational structure in the Wallabies’ set-up.

When roles are ill-defined and responsibilities are murky, it’s no surprise that tensions arise and ructions ensue. How could the Wallabies be anything other than a shambles when people are never quite sure what their place in the group is?

Fortunately for the ARU, I am here as part of The Roar‘s bespoke sporting administration clean-up service, to bring a bit of order to the chaos of Australian rugby, and set out precisely what the key members of the Wallaby collective are there for – their roles, responsibilities and place in the great scheme of things.

First, Di Patston: Patston was employed to perform certain key duties essential to the smooth running of a team, such as: bothering players in the middle of games; monitoring correct shirt-wearing; and being the target of any and all players who feel the need to distract themselves from their own inability to win games by concentrating on schoolboy dickery.

Patston’s presence allows those coaching and managerial staff who would usually perform these duties to be freed up for other important tasks.

For example, Ewen McKenzie, who as (EDITOR’s NOTE: Former head coach!) head coach of the Wallabies is in charge of general strategic direction, in-game tactics, gradually teaching experienced international forwards how to join a ruck without kicking the ball forward, never being quite sure who should be five-eighth, and rubbing his forehead in exasperation.

Then of course there’s Kurtley Beale, whose responsibilities include: sexual harassment; being one of the boys; general buggering about; and knowing how good he is.

Patston, McKenzie and Beale have of course filled the three biggest positions in the set-up, but obviously there are others doing valuable jobs who should not be discounted.

Like Bill Pulver, who is responsible for overseeing all areas of rugby operations, keeping players happy, maintaining an efficient and professional organisation, swearing loudly when he hears about the latest idiotic crap one of the Wallabies has done, keeping an optimistic face on in spite of everything, and being abused on the internet.

Or Israel Folau, who has been designated Head Of Keeping Dreams Alive. This position mainly involves the placing of a nation’s naive hopes for happiness onto his shoulders, where they are likely to stay for the best part of a decade.

Alongside Folau is Adam Ashley-Cooper, who brings great experience and wisdom to his roles, which include inexplicably dropping the ball when you least expect it; and carrying on manfully with a certain sense of weary resignation.

Then there’s Bernard Foley, whose job is, in the main, to give the impression he’s not the best man for the job when he’s on the field; but also involves a significant amount of giving the impression he is the best man for the job when he’s not.

Of course, let us not forget Michael Hooper, who carries out some absolutely crucial functions for the team: not only, as is often supposed, that of having magnificent, lustrous hair; but also of leaping like a salmon when scoring a try; of being at the very least the fourth or fifth-choice national captain; and being criticised for standing up for teammates who don’t deserve it.

Hooper has many individual duties, but he is also a part of The Forward Pack, which performs several general minor tasks around the team environment, but is mainly there to collapse scrums and give away penalties.

And it’s only by the efforts of the forward pack that Whoever is Playing Halfback this Week can do his job, which is to box-kick and yell at the forwards when they need yelling at, which is always.

But could any member of the Wallabies team get the job done without the tireless efforts of The Media? This essential cog in the Wallaby clock takes care of such seemingly mundane but indispensable tasks as: not knowing what that penalty was for; exaggerating the quality of the Wallabies’ play during games; viciously slurring the Wallabies between games; bantering in an affectionately blokey manner; giving Rod Kafer something akin to gainful employment; acting like they could’ve done any better; lamenting with heart-rending sobs the fact that the Wallabies keep kicking the ball away; wondering what the hell is the deal with Quade Cooper; and living in the past.

And finally there’s Matt Toomua (purpose yet to be determined).