Look, I am neither a professional rugby league player, nor a drinker of alcohol, and I therefore realise that I’m not qualified to hold either an opinion or Australian citizenship.
But what I am is a writer, and a loudmouth, and so I’m gonna tell you what I think anyway.
This week was a bit of a bummer for the game of rugby league. It’s a sad day when we see the name ‘Hopoate’ associated with something unsavoury, but that’s what we got, with former star John’s son Jamil sent to prison for assault.
And I don’t want to shock you further, but the assault happened outside a pub.
Now doesn’t it seem a bit weird the way these things always happen outside pubs? You hardly ever hear about a rugby league player assaulting someone outside a church, or outside a scout hall, or up a tree.
No, it’s always outside a pub. Except when it’s inside a pub.
What is it about pubs that makes leaguies get so violent, I wonder? The sticky carpets? The unimaginative counter meal menu? Are they enraged by the misogyny of the makers of the Big Buck Hunt game?
I wonder if the thing that causes NRL professionals at pubs to want to hit people is similar to the thing that causes them to become confused about the place in society of the toilet.
That was the other league escapade this week, the news that Greg Bird had “put a dampener” on his wedding by urinating on, or possibly just near, a police car.
Dampener. Heh. I get it, Birdy.
It probably shows a gap in the training that young NRL recruits get, this curious inability to locate or correctly use lavatories. Whether it’s on a police car, in a hotel hallway, in a teammate’s shoe, or in your own mouth, there is a tendency among the rugby league playing community to expel bodily waste in unconventional locations that seems to far outstrip that of society in general.
Maybe in among the lessons in media conference etiquette, responsible social media use, and remembering to ask politely before having sex with someone, the NRL could throw in some slide projections of toilets accompanied with joyful, upbeat music, in order to create a positive association.
They could possibly even do the same with some pictures of young men and women who haven’t been beaten up.
Or… look, this is a pretty radical suggestion and probably not even feasible, but…
I don’t know if it’s even worth floating the idea…
But what if… just as an experiment… what if a few rugby league players tried… not drinking?
Not drinking alcohol, I mean, I’m not trying to kill anyone.
It’s just a thought. An idle fancy. A casual observation that maybe, if so many grown men are unable, when containing liquor, to avoid displaying the impulse control and bladder urgency of Bam Bam Rubble, keeping off the VB might be an elegant solution.
I’m not saying it would put an end to bad behaviour among footballers, but I reckon it’d provide quite the efficiency dividend.
I know, I know. It’s part of our culture, it’s part of being Australian, it’s a vital social lubricant, it’s a hard-earned thirst that deserves a big cold beer. These are all excellent and accurate points. Drinking is a respectable and perfectly harmless activity.
Except that if you’re a rugby league administrator, or a rugby league player, or anyone unlucky enough to be standing within arm’s reach or spraying distance of a rugby league player… it feels like it’s not actually that harmless.
I mean, I’m not saying no leaguie should ever drink. I’m just saying those who are at risk of acting like dickheads. Which may or may not be all of them.
Maybe there could be a grading committee set up to assess players and award them points. One dickhead point means you can have three pots in a single night, two dickhead points means you can have a couple of glasses of red with friends, three dickhead points means you have to only drink Diet Sprite.
Like I said, I’m neither a rugby league player nor a drinker. I don’t know the pressures of the job, the joys of the nectar, or the irresistible urge to unzip and have a wee in the street. But when you look at the off-field scandals that have bedevilled the NRL over the years, you must admit that the removal of booze would cut the list’s length considerably.
So how about it? How about a few players take a punt, go a few weeks sober, and see how it feels? If they come out of it not suffering from severe depression and/or court appearances, maybe think about extending the trial?
Just a thought.
Casper
Guest
pretty hard for the NRL to step in when the VB blues play the XXXX Maroons in our flagship series.
Stan McCan
Guest
I want to hear more about Andrew Symonds at the Down Under bar
Benchwarmer
Guest
I'm really offended by this; plenty of pubs have great counter meals
premiers13
Guest
I think the first 5 players next season who do anything stupid - that causes grief to their club & to the NRL, should be fined, sacked & then sued ! Remember, it's a business now. If you damage the boss' business, someone has to pay and it won't be the boss in this case. It's to protect the player, fans & the games' future. Harsh deterrent - yes but as the old saying goes, a player is never bigger than the game itself !
Professor Rosseforp
Guest
Offensive conduct: http://blog.thomsonreuters.com.au/2014/04/criminal-law-nsw-noticeboard-april-2014/ One of the articles on the page deals with public urination, and considers that it can still be a public offence even if no-one else is present.
Jay C
Roar Guru
Incentivising social consciousness is simple. Reward good behaviour and punish bad behaviour
Jay C
Roar Guru
I think you are missing the point. You can't blanket ban alcohol in the NRL. It will NEVER EVER happen. Because it IS the stupidest idea in the world. They aren't prisoners. Forced to go through life doing nothing but performing for our amusements. So one percent are d/heads and the other 99 percent should be punished. Punish people who actually do the wrong thing. Punish them heavily, make it hurt their reputation and hip pockets. If your argument had any validity then alcohol should be banned society wide, because NRL players are no better or worse than society at large.
Haz
Guest
You're missing this point. This is nothing to do with freedom. It's everything to do with the NRL wanting to a) protect the reputation of rugby league from the behaviour of some overly free individuals, b) protect young men from their own freely committed actions, and c) protect the public from said young men's antisocial behaviour. There are hundreds of rugby league players; all it needs are 1% of them them to be dickheads to ruin things for everyone. So how would the NRL incentivise social behaviour, or de-incentivise anti-social behaviour? Banning the drink is one method, and it wouldn't be the stupidest idea in the world.
Issac Maw
Guest
I feel a little bit dumber just reading this article
Squidward
Roar Rookie
Never trust a man who doesn't drink
Jay C
Roar Guru
I have travelled enough eJ, and that was a joke about the urination. Try renovating a bathroom in NQ and you want the bathtub to be closer than 7 cm to the wall. The 3 levels of government bureaucracy are completely out of control in this country. And so long as everyone gets their shiny new toy for xmas no one cares. It's disgusting.
eagleJack
Roar Guru
Ok Jay. So basic, common decency is labelled oppression?! You probably need to travel a bit more. Not many places where you can expose yourself in a crowded area, take a leak and then get a pat on the back from those in authority.
Muzz
Guest
Ben - Only by a Bee's nick do i not take offence to your article as you mentioned the Storm in your profile otherwise no soup for you.It's touch and go though.Your treading a fine line young man and i think you know it.
Sleiman Azizi
Roar Guru
hehe
Jay C
Roar Guru
Not at all. We are sold trinkets and told it is freedom, but freedom in this country does not exist. Try having a sneaky leak in a drain next to your car...
eagleJack
Roar Guru
Wow, you were actually serious when you said Australia was an oppressive country?! Surely you jest.
Jay C
Roar Guru
So how can the NRL "Cut out the Booze" without a ban? What is the mechanism for this to occur. Are the limits placed on d/heads not effectively bans? I know you were being facetious and I enjoyed the article but to say there is literally no mention of bans is absolute nonsense. I am just so over the cotton wool attitude of modern Australia, the whole "oops someone slipped on a rock, lets ban rocks and nail everyone's feet to the floor so it can't happen again" culture is sick. Sure, a lot of the guys mentioned should make an adults decision that it is probably not wise to drink, and given they seem to lack basic control mechanisms may decide that even 1 is too much. But if they want to continue to imbibe the sweet nectar of the gods (sorry, I have been at work in a dry camp for 25 days atm and am 3 short days from enjoying a cold one myself) then they should be aware that poor behaviour will not be tolerated, if that is indeed the case. What I think the NRL needs to do is come out and say, you are all free human beings, walking the Earth with a conscience and free will. Please feel free to do as you like, but know that if you mess up we will grant you no leniency and your punishment will reflect the values of our organisation (which are of critical hypocrisy - I wonder what VB thought of Daley's 'Booze Ban' during Origin last year, not a real good look when your major sponsor is a terrible brewery)
Jay C
Roar Guru
I love how you call for calm and then call everyone fascists.
Jay C
Roar Guru
If only we could compete with some other 3rd world countries then we could really celebrate!
Jay C
Roar Guru
Freedom isn't about not having to deal with things you don't like.