Scientific Rugbytology: The best Wallaby team for a fact!

When Isaac Newton discovered rugby back in 1663 after a fellow Cambridge student threw an apple at him, even a man of his immense mathematical intellect couldn’t have predicted where the professional game would be some 350 years later.

The story goes that when the apple was in a low trajectory towards his head, Newton pondered briefly the impact that lateral momentum had on falling objects, before instinctively grasping the apple in two hands close to his chest, palming an elderly associate professor’s wife in the face and running the length of the quadrangle to score what is now widely regarded as the world’s first try.

When the elderly professor complained to the Vice Chancellor, Newton was issued with a one-week suspension from the University, also now regarded as the world’s first yellow card.

While Newton went on to do many fine things later in his career, including developing the universal laws of physics, inventing six new colours (including blanched almond and fuchsia rose) and participating in the world’s first gangsta rap battle (spontaneously in a Parisian ghetto with Jean de la Fontaine), no feat ever really matched his invention of the game they play in heaven in the eyes of Rugby’s disciples here on the Roar.

In his original manuscript “The Universal Laws of Rugby”, Newton articulated constants that are still core to the modern professional game, such as:

Law 22.1 – Any win, irrespective of margin, circumstance or context, automatically validates any and all actions by the players and coaches of the winning team. (See the resting of players by New Zealand in the lead up to their 2011 Rugby World Cup win)

Law 22.2 – The opposite of the above, except for losing teams. (See the resting of players by New Zealand in the lead up to their 2007 Rugby World Cup loss)

And

Law 36.1.b – Any non-sensible haircut worn by a player shall raise the ire of all. *Note – this law was later qualified by the “Lomu exception” theorised by former Oxford tighthead Stephen Hawking in 1995 and validated by George Smith early in 2001.

But my favourite law, and one that seems intuitively understood by most in the Roar Scientific Rugbytology community, is law 4:

“No team can be hypothetically better than one comprised solely of players chosen from outside of their primary position or competition, from retirement, or in some other way that would normally make them ineligible for selection.”

In this law, Newton explored a sophisticated, hypothetical fusion of rugby and mathematics to determine that somewhere in the multiverse a perfect team exists – or at least a perfect combination of players – that would work in flawless harmony and is far superior to your stupid team.

The application of this law is quite easy in theory. Simply swap looseheads and tightheads over, stick your nimbler locks out at six and eight, move a centre to openside flanker and fill in the gaps with overseas based players. Right? Perhaps in the past, these hypothetical teams were easily put together and kicked the hypothetical butts of our opponents.

But with current ARU policy working to undermine this theoretical system by bringing back actual players like Giteau, Mumm, Douglas and Mitchell to play real games, our ability to construct the hypothetical world beating team is diminished.

So rather than relying on oversees based players coming back to make our hypothetical best teams, we must now simply rely on picking players out of position in order to achieve Newton’s nirvana, espoused in law 4.

For my layman’s interpretation of this law, I have distilled the application down to the following key principles: To be selected in my hypothetical best Wallaby team, a player must be either uncapped, be playing a position he has never seriously played at senior level, has come from retirement or overseas, or has come from outside any football code altogether.

The important thing is that there must be no way to verify whose team is actually the best, thereby replicating the law of logical illogical irrefutability at the heart of any faith-based endeavour.

It is also built on the premise that under a gentleman’s agreement, all players have twelve full months of training under the world’s best coaches in order to make their positional switch, or to get back into shape following retirement. This is my resultant Wallaby XV, which will probably kick your hypothetical team’s butt.

1. David Foster (woodchopping)
2. David Pocock
3. Ben Simpson (strongman)
4. Taqele Naiyaravoro
5. Andrew Bogut (basketball)
6. Lopeti Timani
7. Samu Kerevi
8. Will Skelton
9. Nic Stirzaker
10. Stephen Larkham
11. Michael Hooper
12. Israel Folau
13. Lankan Rupee (horseracing)
14. Tom English
15. Scott Higginbotham

A rock-solid front row, with Pocock squatting 350kg and drinking lots of protein shakes, and speed to burn out wide, my only really controversial decision is at fullback. But to understand the selection, you have to understand the team, and the philosophy of how they play.

Starting with fullback, this is the practical skillset of the all-rounder that exists in other sports not invented by Newton. Not solely a try scoring weapon, rather pops up and opportunistically exploits chances around the field, and possesses an all-round skillset that includes running, tackling, kicking, passing, catching, jumping and catching, tackling (again), and vision.

Out wide, we have one blind winger (ala Rob Horne) in the form of Hooper, strong on his feet and can recycle out wide, as well as possessing several key traditional winger’s skills.

More genuine speed from the outside winger (English) and inside winger (Rupee), interchangeable positions designed to exploit and finish off opportunities created by Larkham and Stirzaker inside them, whether through the ball or the man doing the work.

In the back row, we have three men who would benefit from the 12 months of dedicated world’s best coaching to develop them, with Kerevi, Timani and Skelton having the most prodigious innate qualities that could flourish if unlocked by a hypothetically perfect set of stimuli.

Supporting them in the back row (my Newton’s scrum only defines itself as hemispheric back and front rows) is a genuine lineout jumper in Bogut who redefines the requirement to diversify the skillset across numerous players by having one who easily dominates, taking 80% of own throws (7-8 per game) at a 95% success rate. The other jumpers are just used to mix it up for the other 20% of throws to keep the opposition honest

Then we get back to my Newtonian front row, which clearly starts at scrum time. These set piece specialists get some additional horsepower around the park from Pocock.

So that’s it, Newton’s Universal Laws of Rugby have allowed this indulgence – so how does your stupid hypothetical rugby team beat my stupid hypothetical rugby team? I’ve got a large, wool-producing agrarian acreage riding on my opinion being right!