How to select the Australian coach

When picking a sportsman for a team, performance is the key. A player performs at a level that stands out and eventually he finds himself in top company. Coaching is a different kettle of fish, because in many sports a person can become a coach purely on playing ability.

I have first-hand insight into how the coach of an Australian cricket team is selected.

To protect the innocent and the guilty, we will refer the interviewee for the coaching position as ‘Applicant’ and to the interviewer as ‘Chief’.

Chief: This is a very impressive resumé. 26 Tests in the mid-to-late 1990s, a batting average of 41.44, never bowled and was a handy slips fielder or fieldsman as some prefer to say.

You played in what was a winning side in a winning era, that is very important. We like winning.

Now we are at the part of the process at which you ask me and my panel some questions.

Applicant: I’d like to thank you for this opportunity, I know I’m up against some top opposition. I realise some of Australia’s greatest fast bowlers have put in for the job.

Ha ha ha, you have nothing to worry about there son, nothing at all. Fast bowlers know nothing, absolutely nothing, about Test cricket. You know that – ever seen an Aussie fast bowler on the Channel Nine commentary team? Have you? I don’t think so. Toilers, not thinkers.

Let’s set the record straight on that right now. They’ll come in here, we’ll have a quick chat, go out and have a few beers later and they won’t be considered for the position.

So I won’t need to be teaching or coaching the bowlers?

No way man, that’s what bowling coaches are for, are you a bowling coach? Are you applying for bowling coach? No.

Great, well my next question is to do with batting. When am I coaching the boys to bat?

Hang on, hang on you are applying for the coaching position, not the batting coach position. Let’s get this straight, once again we have batting coaches. All have played at Test level like yourself, most likely former teammates of yours, and they are the batting coaches. You are not the batting coach. You are the coach.

So when I’m out on the pitch with boys, guiding them through the fielding drills…

You’re not getting it are you, we have fielding coaches for that, and we prefer a background in baseball with the mitts and all that. Forget about the fielding, you are the coach.

So I select the batting line-up and when we are fielding I make bowling changes?

Like hell you do, that’s the captains job.

Mmmm, so my main role is as a selector. So when I’m selecting…

Ah, ah, ah! You are on a panel of selectors, you are not the head selector, you are one of a team and you confer. Sometimes you may get a selection which will be considered, but that’s up to the head selector.

Who is the head selector?

Look that’s a secret, not even we know.

Seems like I’m more of a manager.

So you want to put the manager out of a job now?

No. OK, here’s a good question. My team has batted first in the first innings. They have lost a few quick wickets. Am I right in telling the middle or to dig in, to knuckle down, show courage, and spend as much time at the crease as possible?

Oh my God! You’re living in the past. Have you been talking to Allan Border? You never say that.

What do I say?

“Play your natural game.” In any situation, in any scenario, that’s what you say. “Play your natural game.”

Some people think that when Adam Gilchrist retired that, that was in fact the end of the 4.5 runs per over era. It was not and it is not, every player – no matter what the scenario – has to play his natural game. None of this ‘dig in’ hoo ha.

Couldn’t this lead to humiliating losses and I get the blame for that.

That’s the magic of your job, you don’t get the blame. The captain gets the blame. Always has, always will.

And when we win?

This is the best part. You get the credit.

I do?

Yes you do, they may even call you a genius. The credit is all yours.

So how do I lose this job? Really how do I lose?

Easy, you stop being mates with the players. You can despise the captain but the other guys need mates. You are their mate, their confidante, their father figure, but most of all their mate. Some of them are not all that likeable and need a mate, and the coach is it.

Can you be their mate?

I can.

Good work mate, the job is yours.

Call me ‘Coach’.