Who will definitely win the World Cup?

Well, here we are again: the Rugby World Cup. The ultimate prize for the game they play in heaven – not to be confused with the Football World Cup, the ultimate prize for the game they play in Qatar.

Like all great sporting events – the Olympics, the Commonwealth Games, Melbourne Demons victories – this tournament only comes around every four years, and it’s always a thrilling, exhilarating time to be alive.

Just think of all the great moments the Rugby World Cup has given us over the years. England’s defeat in the 1991 final, England’s defeat in the 2007 final, England’s defeat in the 1995 semi-final, England’s defeat in the 1987 quarter-final – the list of memorable highlights goes on and on. We can only hope that the 2015 tournament will bring us an equally joyous England-eliminating experience.

But the World Cup isn’t just about the games. It’s also about punditry, and opinions, and endless floods of uninformed predictions. With that in mind, here is The Roar’s official team-by-team guide to who will definitely win the World Cup.

Let’s begin with everyone’s favourite team (I assume), Australia.

Australia
World Cups won: two
National lizard: blue-tongue
Favourite sorbet: mango

Australia has one of the proudest World Cup histories, having won two titles and deserving at least two more. In 2015 they are one of the best-prepared squads in the tournament, having been steadily building since 2001, when the ARU first began their rotating coach policy to keep players on their toes.

They are well-equipped in all areas, from Israel Folau at fullback to skipper Stephen Moore at hooker – with firepower out wide, muscle up front, occasional outbursts of good scrummaging, and Quade Cooper and David Pocock supplying insanity and social justice respectively, the Wallabies look practically unstoppable. Especially when you consider that the last two times the World Cup was staged in Britain, Australia won, and the fact that the last time the All Blacks thrashed the Wallabies, they definitely looked like they were starting to get sick of it.

All in all, you can be sure that Australia will definitely win the World Cup.

New Zealand
World Cups won: two
Highest peak: Caradhras
National collar: Peter Pan

New Zealand of course won the first World Cup, and also the last World Cup, and in between provided many of world rugby’s most hilarious moments.

They are heading to England with a powerful side, as always. It’s true there are question marks over some of their squad: in the twilight of his career, will inspirational skipper Richie McCaw still be able to blackmail referees with his former vigour? Will the selection of Sonny Bill Williams backfire as a just and loving god refuses to allow a universe in which SBW wins anything else? Hard to say, but there’s no doubt that in terms of rugby ability – one of the top 10 elements of rugby success according to Bob Dwyer – they will be hard to beat.

The All Blacks, in fact, will definitely win the World Cup, and being better than the other teams will play a part in this.

England
World Cups won: one
Fat content: 6.8 per cent
National exclamation: “Roger me rigid”

England is the host nation, and as such you might assume they can’t win, don’t write off the plucky men in white just yet. Their trump card is Sam Burgess, who used to play rugby league, so you know he must be great. They also possess some of the tournament’s most skilfully groomed beards, and inspirational skills coach Mike Catt, who has forged a meaningful career after having to teach himself to walk and talk again after Jonah Lomu ran over the top of him in 1995.

It’s been 12 years since Jonny Wilkinson kicked England to victory in the 2003 final in one of history’s most appalling atrocities: has their time come again? Nobody thinks so, which will make it even easier for them to sneak under the radar.

And though experts might write them off, it’s important to remember that this is the tiny country that managed to conquer most of the world purely through its own sense of entitlement, which is why they will definitely win the World Cup.

France
World Cups won: zero
Hundred Years Wars participated in: one
National emotion: wistfulness

France have never won the World Cup, but they have been gallantly defeated in finals almost as many times as New Zealand has shattered the happiness of a nation, so 2015 just might be their year.

If they have a weakness, it is their tendency to play their stars out of position: for example, they play Mathieu Bastareaud in the centres, when he is far better suited to being a block of flats.

But their natural Gallic flair and commitment to making journalists write sentences including the phrase “Gallic flair” will get them a long way, and their mental skills coach Christian Ramos will take them the rest – no team’s skills, in fact, will be more mental than France’s at this tournament, which is why France will definitely win.

Ireland 
World Cups won: none
Cholesterol: free
National lubricant: linseed oil

Ireland has also never won the World Cup, and never even come close. They’re ranked sixth in the world, a position from which no country has ever tasted the ultimate success. There is no reason to suggest that Ireland has a snowball’s chance in Townsville of remotely threatening to win the World Cup.

The fact they definitely will win it is, therefore, a bit of a mystery.

Scotland
World Cups won: literally none
Fattest man: Eddie McFirth
National toddler food: Farex

Scotland, or as it is known to its own inhabitants, “East Ireland”, has a proud history of failure in World Cups of all sports, but that could be about to end.

With pro-independence sentiment on the rise in the ancestral home of David Hume, Sean Connery and Shrek, the Scots – spearheaded by brave hooker and former Carlton midfielder Fraser Brown – will definitely win the World Cup through patriotic fervour.

South Africa
World Cups won: two
Gods Must be Crazy movies: five
National bun: Boston

South Africa have won two World Cup finals, despite not scoring a try in either, earning their team the apt nickname ‘The Boring Bastards’.

With an average age of 72 – that average having been skewed by Victor Matfield – the Springboks are an experienced and battle-hardened team that all decent people hate. And as any keen student of sport will know, it’s the team you hate that almost always wins. Remember the Ashes? Exactly.

South Africa are far too objectionable to not win the World Cup, which is why they definitely will.

Wales
World Cups won: nil
Haircut: pretty cheap
National animal homophone: whales

Wales were a major rugby power in the 1970s, and then it all got really depressing for a while. But the Red Dragons are on the upswing right now, ranked fifth in the world and packed with top-class players like winger George North and probably some others.

It’d be nice to see Wales win the World Cup, if only for the weird sense of surrealism that would come from saying the sentence “Wales has won the World Cup”.

Also, they have probably the best accents in the whole tournament – hard to argue, in that light, with the fact that they will definitely win the World Cup.

Fiji
World Cups won: none
Cruise ship arrivals: regular
National Carry On film: Carry On Cruising

Fiji are known as the “entertainers” of world rugby, betraying the fact that no other country ever entertains anyone.

With the recent rule changes awarding four points for between-the-legs passes, Fiji will definitely win the World Cup.

Samoa
World Cups won: none
Phrase country’s name sounds a bit like: “some more”
National lemonade: Kirks

Samoa, which was once known as Western Samoa, before the government admitted that it was to the east of just as much stuff as it was to the west as, made the quarter finals of the 1991 World Cup.

Why this should mean they will definitely win the 2015 World Cup is a little obscure to many observers, but it all becomes clear when you realise that the Samoan players are all devout Christians – the one true faith.

Georgia
World Cups won: I think they’ve won a few. Four or five.
State capital: Atlanta
National gas: neon

Georgia was the last Confederate state to be restored to the Union in 1870, and its troubled civil rights history makes its rugby success all the more remarkable. Georgia is definitely an underdog in this World Cup, but with a little bit of luck all the other teams will die in bus crashes.

Georgia will definitely win the World Cup after this happens, hopefully finally allowing them some redemption for the dispossession of the Cherokee.

United States
World Cups won: minus seven
Facial expression: pensive
National funeral insurance provider: Insuranceline

The United States are weakened by the secession of Georgia (see above), but they remain a major powerhouse of the World Cup. Given a population of 300 million, the largest economy in the world, and a strong tradition of private gun ownership, the USA is likely to be literally unbeatable and extremely dangerous in a combat situation.

The US will definitely win the World Cup due mainly to its cultural hegemony.

Argentina
World Cups won: Approximately 100
Feet: two each
National Fox Footy discussion program: The Bounce

Argentina, the birthplace of rugby legends Hugo Porta and Alan Jones, is famous for its scrum and the fact that the team is called the Pumas but their badge has a picture of a jaguar. Some people think this proves Argentina is stupid, but it’s all part of their strategy of disorientation. More than one team has let the Pumas in for multiple tries while they were busy squinting at the logo, wondering what was going on.

No wonder Argentina will definitely win the World Cup.

Uruguay
World Cups won: one, but it was soccer, so you know
Country most often confused with: Paraguay
National suburb: Nunawading

Uruguay is actually Argentina. Don’t let them trick you.

Japan
World Cups won: none
Biggest dog: Scotty, Mr Nakamoto’s St Bernard
National Mr Man: Mr Tickle

Japan is a plucky team, who win hearts whatever they’re doing, whether it’s losing by a world-record margin, or losing by a slightly smaller margin.

The fact they will definitely win the World Cup is down to their mastery of electronics more than their sporting ability, but there is currently nothing in the rules that says a World Cup squad can’t be made up entirely of remote-control robot puppies – something that the IRB has hinted may change for 2019.

Canada
World Cups won: six, in a moral sense
Biggest disappointment: Anne of Green Gables: The Continuing Story starring Cameron Daddo
National boot: Doc Marten

Canada is the best country in the world, and so even when they lose, they really win. Will they win this World Cup in a literal sense? Definitely – inspired by the feats of Mike Pyke, every member of the squad will be going the extra mile in the hope of earning an AFL contract.

And can anyone really deny the credentials of a team featuring the verve and dash of Djustice Sears-Duru and Benoit Piffero? It’d be a brave man!

Italy
World Cups won: unknown
Recurring dream: nude maths test
National Murder, She Wrote episode: “Coal miner’s slaughter”

Italy is one of the world’s traditional rugby heartlands, and by “rugby” I mean “soccer”.

As long as they stick to soccer, they should definitely win the World Cup.

Romania
World Cups won: none, they’re losers through and through
Favourite shop: Graus Comix
National pig in the city: Babe

Romania isn’t often mentioned when speaking of World Cup contenders. In fact, Romania isn’t often mentioned when speaking of anything. Is it even a real country? It doesn’t sound real. I think someone made it up.

Anyway they’ll definitely win the World Cup, through a combination of disciplined tight-five play, and the continuation of this article’s central conceit.

Tonga
World Cups won: all of them
Show in which country’s name was a recurring joke: The Late Show (1993)
National promotional campaign: McDonald’s Monopoly

Tonga is a powerful team full of tough, no-nonsense, hard-hitting men who are now playing for New Zealand. Nevertheless, they’ve got an excellent chance of definitely winning the World Cup, because their players are fuelled by a burning sense of resentment at wealthy western nations’ cavalier attitude to the effects of climate change on Pacific nations. This righteous anger will carry Tonga far – all the way, in fact.

Also they have a player called Elvis, and no other team does – they’ll regret that before the tournament is out.

Namibia
World Cups won: file not found
Official language: love
National toe: the fourth

Namibia would definitely win the World Cup, but will miss its plane and never arrive.