Softening the blow: Why we have already lost the World Cup final

The World Cup final. Is there any more depressing occasion on the sporting calendar?

The last time a World Cup final gave me any pleasure whatsoever was 1999, when one of the most ruthless Wallaby XVs of all time remorselessly squashed a French team still celebrating its absurdly unlikely semi-final victory.

Since then it’s been nothing but misery. The misery of seeing the All Blacks toss my favourite monkey off their back in 2011. The dull ache of seeing the Springboks kick their way to victory in 2007, an ache only slightly alleviated by the pleasurable twinge of an English loss.

And in 2003, the greatest agony of all – my country losing in extra time. Not just losing in extra time, but losing in extra time to a team coached by Clive Woodward. It was like watching a director’s cut of Lord of the Rings where Sauron drop-kicks Frodo into the volcano.

And here we are again, with more unremitting sadness looming ahead. This weekend offers the chance for joy unconfined, but a much bigger chance of sinking into a desolate funk that cannot be alleviated except by watching David Campese’s no-look pass to Tim Horan in 1991 on a loop for six hours.

It’s moments like these when I wish we could play World Cups without a final. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we just stopped now? We remember the good times, we avoid the unpleasantness of the final, and everyone goes home happy, except the Scottish who are probably used to it because they live in Scotland.

But no, the IRB killjoys, like Darrell Hair on Australia Day 1993, have gone and ruined everything by scheduling a final, and Australia has to play in it against New Zealand, and although there’s a tiny part of me that whispers, maybe all your dreams will come true, there’s a much larger part of me screaming at the top of its lungs that Australia hardly ever beats New Zealand, and the more desperately we hope for it, the lower the probability gets.

So instead of wasting time on pointless nonsense like hope or optimism, let’s prepare for the inevitable. In the gloom and devastation of Sunday morning, remembering to tell ourselves the following will help ease the pain.

1. It was a moral victory
This is a pretty safe bet. It’s almost certain that the Wallabies will win a moral victory. In fact, moral victories are an excellent aim for any efficient sporting team, as the bar is considerably lower than for actual victories.

If we’re lucky, we’ll be given something really convincing to latch on to, like Australia scoring more tries than New Zealand.

If the Wallabies manage three tries to two, their defeat will be incredibly creditable and very much worth consoling ourselves with. But even if they can’t manage that, we’ll be able to take comfort in gutsy defence, adventurous attack, a surprisingly strong scrum, and any period of the game lasting five minutes or more in which Australia is not behind.

Also if New Zealand score any tries from intercepts, kicks or seizing on Wallaby knock-ons, they don’t really count, in a moral sense.

2. Bad goal-kicking cost us
This is almost certain to happen, because they have Dan Carter and we have Bernard Foley. And bad goal-kicking can ruin any team’s chances. Even if Australia loses by forty, we’ll know, deep down, that if Foley had nailed that penalty in the third minute, anything could’ve happened.

3. Australia’s chances were cruelled by injuries
Israel Folau is going into the game with a dodgy ankle, and that’s bound to cost us. Probably if he was at his explosive best Australia would’ve given the All Blacks a run for their money. If we’re really lucky David Pocock and Scott Sio will suffer flare-ups of their injuries too.

The perfect outcome would be so many serious injuries in the first half that the second half is only played with twelve men. Then no matter what the score is, it’ll be an utterly heroic Wallaby effort.

4. Richie McCaw cheated
This is the safest bet in all of world sport, so use it liberally.

5. All the other All Blacks cheated as well
The great thing about rugby is that nobody really understands what’s going on half the time, so there is ample opportunity to make dark accusations about nefarious doings at set pieces and breakdowns.

It’s a pretty safe bet that Australia’s loss will be down to the All Blacks killing the ball, entering from the side and interfering with the halfback, not to mention standing offside the whole game. Also, the Kiwi front row will deploy illegal tactics in the scrum, probably. At least, if they don’t, no one will be able to tell – including the Kiwi front row themselves in all likelihood.

6. The referee was out to get us
Given 4 and 5, this is self-evident.

7. It was Quade Cooper’s fault
This is a slightly tougher sell, given Cooper will not be playing, but reality has rarely prevented anyone from blaming him for whatever they feel like in the past.

8. The coach is rubbish
This is the most traditional of Wallaby excuses of all. Records indicate that every Australian coach for the last hundred years has become rubbish within seconds of their first loss. Michael Cheika may have been able to fool us until now, but when McCaw hoists that trophy it will become clear just how incompetent he is – what chance did these brave players even have, with this halfwit at the helm?

9. Food poisoning
As they say, learn from the best, and the All Blacks are the best team in the world, so it’s only sensible to borrow from their playbook. This is just as true for World Cup final-losing excuses as it is for training methods and backline formations.

10. Lack of public support
How can our boys be expected to win when the local media are so negative about their chances? It’s amazing they made the final at all, when you consider articles like this one.