Crusaders candidates: Jake White (Part 1)

With the Crusaders announcing that 2016 would be coach Todd Blackadder’s final season at the Super Rugby club, high-profile coaches are already sniffing out the possibilities of filling the role.

Former Springboks coach Jake White is the first to come forward.

1. Jake White
With great structural integrity, Jake White entered the open-air office inside the hairline crack of Blackadder’s earthquake damage, where the New Zealand Rugby Union officials, looking quite accustomed to their surroundings, perused his application.

NZRU: “2002 Under-21 World Cup victory, 2004 Tri-Nations victory, 2007 World Cup victory, 2013 defeat of the British and Irish Lions with a second string Brumbies team, second in Super Rugby the same year, third with the Sharks a year later.. this is quite an impressive resume you have here.”

White: “I’m probably the best there is.”

NZRU: “I see, however, that after missing out on the Wallabies job in 2013, you then quit the Brumbies, despite there being two seasons left on the contract.”
White: “Yes I wanted to be closer to my family.?”
NZRU: “Uh-huh. And you lasted just one season with the Sharks before taking up a technical role with Tonga.”
White: “Well family can be frustrating, you know? Sometimes you just need some space.”

NZRU: “And after just three games with Tonga, you then took up a head coaching role with Montpellier?”
White: “Those were for family reasons also.”
NZRU: “You have a very diverse family, Mr White.”
White: “I am from the Rainbow Nation, after all.”

NZRU: “And I see that, after only one year at Montpellier, you applied for the recently vacated English head coach position?”
White: “Well it was just a query, you see, just asking after some family of mine there.”

NZRU: “Some suggest it was a very fervent approach on your behalf, but wanting to expand their style of play, they turned your offer down.”
White: “Nonsense, my style is very expansive; the ball always gets beyond the locks to the back row. It was a family meeting and that’s all there was to it.”

NZRU: “Uh-huh. And some might say the Wallabies turned you down for the same reason.”
White: “No, no, the Wallabies never turned me down, in fact, they greatly desired me, only I had to return home for family reasons.”

NZRU: “Uh-huh. So I guess I’m to take from all this that your interest in coaching the Crusaders has nothing to do with an interest to coach the All Blacks?”
White: “That’s correct, I am 100 per cent behind the Crusaders.”

NZRU: “Uh-huh. Well to be honest, we have sometimes toyed with the idea of having a foreigner coach the All Blacks, you know, much the way a toddler toys with its food, before crushing it between it’s newly formed molars.”
White: “Well then I can assure you that despite my country of origin, I will be 100 per cent behind the All Blacks.”

NZRU: “But of course we are very moral here – being nice and having honesty is something we value above all else – so if you wouldn’t mind, we’d like for you to provide all the addresses of those family members you visited, just to confirm you weren’t lying about your motives.”

White: (Takes a deep breath.) “Honesty is the most important thing, you say?”
NZRU: “The most important.”
White: “And you can’t get the All Blacks job without it?”
NZRU: “Absolutely not.”

White: “Okay then, I’ll be honest. I wasn’t really moving to be closer to family, I was just trying to position myself closer to a national side, and I do harbour desires to coach the All Blacks.

“I harbour desperate desires, it is the thing I want more than anything else in this world, to be the coach of the greatest side in the world, and I would only move to Christchurch in hope to further my claims for that position, and I that I would create be the greatest side in the world, better than it’s ever been before.”

NZRU: “I see. Well, in that case, it does not sound like you will be very suitable for the Crusaders then.”

White: “But I still have a shot at the All Blacks?”
NZRU: “Well, we do like our All Blacks coaches to have coached a New Zealand Super Rugby side first, you see.”

White: “I’m 100 per cent behind the Crusaders.”
NZRU: “And of course, while always remaining open minded to the idea of a foreign coach, we never have appointed one before.”

White: “I’ll become a citizen. No trouble. Three years is the rule on that, right? The perfect amount of time to take control of a Super Rugby team in the meantime.”
NZRU: “Of course, it isn’t really the way we operate.”

White: “Nonsense, what about all your Pacific Island players?”
NZRU: “The Pacific Islands are right next door. They’re really just an extension of New Zealand.”

White: “I’m not sure that’s politically correct.”
NZRU: “Are you lecturing us, Mr White?”

White: “I’ll divorce my wife and marry a Kiwi.”
NZRU: “I’m not sure…”

White: “I’ll divorce my Kiwi and marry an Islander. I have connections in Tonga, you know.” NZRU: “I’m sorry, Mr White. It’s just unfortunate you don’t have family here already. You might have qualified by blood.”

White: (Looks to the sky and rubs his chin, scheming in thought.) “You know I hear they’re doing some pretty high-tech science experiments with blood these days… Let me get back to you on this one.”