2015: The sporting year in review

There have been many great sporting years. For example, 1967, 2003 and 1854 were all real crackers. But in all the long history of history, has there ever been a year so significant and momentous for the sporting world as 2015?

When we look back over the sporting events of the year, it’s hard to remember any 12-month period that was as recent as this one, so it’s worth looking back over a few of the highlights. It was a big year in…

AFL
In some ways, the biggest event on the AFL calendar in 2015 was the grand final, which was won by the Hawthorn Hawks after their opponents the West Coast Eagles overslept and didn’t make it to the ground until halftime.

It was the third premiership in a row for the Hawks, who carry themselves with such grace, humility and good sportsmanship that nobody would ever in a million years call them a bunch of thuggish up-themselves wankers.

Indeed, the entire footballing world rejoiced in the continuing brown-and-gold dominance and recognised that their own club’s futile struggles for success were good for the game.

The grand final was also notable for the presence of Bryan Adams and Chris Isaak, proving yet again that the AFL is a real power player on the world stage. 

Elsewhere in the AFL world, 2015 would go down in history as the year that the Essendon supplements saga kept going and going and going, like a determined ox doing a fun run through a sewage farm.

Early in the year, the AFL Anti-Doping Tribunal found all involved players not guilty, a decision appealed by the World Anti-Doping Authority, a shadowy body that many suspect of not even being Australian.

The continuing controversy eventually led to the resignation of Bombers coach James Hird, who finally admitted what we had always known: the world was never meant for one as beautiful as him.

Although Hird has left the world of coaching, he is expected to remain in the martyrdom field in some capacity. Meanwhile, Essendon insists that Jobe Watson should keep his Brownlow even if found guilty of doping, or murder for that matter.

In non-drug-taking footballer news, Melbourne’s Jesse Hogan won the AFL Rising Star award with 49 votes, thus becoming the first Rising Star to poll more votes than his team kicked goals for the season.

While Hogan was the Rising Star, the league’s most prestigious award for players who have stopped rising and begun the long downhill slide to decrepitude, the Brownlow Medal, was won by Fremantle’s Nat Fyfe, despite his best efforts to render himself ineligible.

Dockers fans proclaimed Fyfe’s win “much better than winning the flag, to tell the truth”.

Eddie Betts: In Carlton rehab. (AAP Image/Ben Macmahon)

Other notable events of the 2015 AFL season included: Dustin Fletcher, who as of this year was the last remaining Boer War veteran playing professional football; Eddie Betts, who won goal of the year as part of the ongoing rollout of the AFL’s Successful Ex-Carlton Players Program; and the NAB Challenge, which enjoyed its second successive year of nobody knowing exactly what it is.

But if AFL was huge in 2015, it had nothing on…

NRL
Rugby league in 2015 kicked off with the Auckland Nines, which available evidence indicates is some kind of yacht race. In the season proper, the Sydney Roosters dominated to finish on top of the ladder, setting off wild celebrations in the home of their fan.

Alas, the Roostermentum could not be sustained, bombing out in the preliminary final to the Brisbane Broncos.

The Broncos went on to face the Cowboys in the grand final, where Johnathan Thurston ascended to a higher plane of existence, where even the concerted efforts of all the universe’s gods to prevent him winning a premiership could not stand in his way.

North Queensland’s victory not only prevented Thurston’s head exploding, it also provided a much-needed boost to the region’s morale, while dealing a much-needed blow to the morale of Brisbane.

Thurston also won the Dally M Player of the Year Award, which is now a statutory requirement.

Johnathan Thurston is Xel Naga (AAP Image/Dean Lewins)

Earlier in the season, the State of Origin series was won by Queensland, after a most unsportsmanlike display in the second game, in which they let NSW win just to tease them. In the decider, a new record was set for the most New South Welshmen simultaneously gazing into an endless abyss of misery. 

With record crowds for the finals series, and television ratings booming, the National Rugby League finished 2015 in rude health, apart from the troubling fact that the season once again reached the halfway point with some players still having not signed to a new club: ensuring that this never happens again will be the focus of the Australian Rugby League Commission moving forward; it is hoped that by 2020, the season won’t even start without every club’s entire roster being contracted to someone else.

It’s hard to dispute what the biggest story of 2015 was, though: Spain’s epic victory over Latvia in the European C group of World Cup qualifying.

But perhaps for the great game of rugby league, 2015 will be most remembered as the 26th year in a row in which the game wasn’t as good as it was in the Eighties.

It was an even more memorable year in…

Rugby union
The year in rugby was obviously dominated by the World Cup, which was played in England over a period of fourteen-and-a-half years in October and November.

The tournament got off to a cracking start when Japan defeated South Africa, one of the most wonderful results most rugby fans have ever witnessed, even compared to all the other times South Africa has lost.

Sadly things got a little more expected from that point on, with Namibia failing to beat New Zealand and Canada losing to France in the same old way. Nevertheless the minnows put up valiant fights in most games, and Australia thrashed England, which is never boring.

The Wallabies’ surge continued in the quarter-finals, where they overcame the combined whining of the entire Scottish nation to progress to the semis, where they knocked off Argentina to earn a place in the World Cup final.

What happened in the final itself I don’t really remember. I guess we’ll never really know.

But what is certain is that we are in an exciting new era for Australian rugby, with coach Michael Cheika encouraging his team to play a tough yet daring brand of rugby, and a newfound steel entering the team’s playing style that allows them to win all but the most important matches. Many respected experts believe the Wallabies’ trajectory will allow them to win a Bledisloe Cup by the early 22nd century.

And it was also a wonderful year for Australia in…

Cricket
Probably the greatest thing to happen in cricket in 2015 was the retirement of Michael Clarke, thus removing the one and only obstacle to ultimate success that Australian cricket has ever had.

Clarke, who shocked many with his admission that he hated Australia and deliberately tried to lose every game he played in, retired due to an injured back and a desire to spend more time talking in the Nine commentary box about what flavour of chips are the best. 

Yet before he quit, Clarke led Australia to victory in the cricket World Cup, a much more satisfying end to the tournament than in the Rugby World Cup, however that happened to end.

The Cricket World Cup was memorable in particular for the bowling of Mitchell Starc, who this year finally established himself as the Australian team’s official number one frustratingly inconsistent performer.

With a white ball in his hand, Starc proved himself exceptional, but was even better with a white ball out of his hand, travelling towards the batsman. His inswinging yorker developed into as much of a threat to batsmen around the world as Joel Garner’s bouncer, Richard Hadlee’s outswinger, and Shane Warne’s personality. 

More disappointing than the World Cup were the Ashes – they’re just in this tiny little wooden vase, it’s pathetic. And the games played in the Ashes series were almost as disappointing as the trophy itself.

Although there were some Aussie highlights – like Steve Smith’s double century and Shane Watson’s not playing – it was a real letdown when, with the series on the line, the entire Australian team went down for a nap.

The side hit its lowest ebb at Trent Bridge, where Stuart Broad took to the Aussie batting order with a chainsaw and the tourists developed a severe allergy to runs. There was some redemption in the final Test, when Peter Siddle was finally chosen and proved that, had he been picked earlier in the series, all of his teammates would have known how to leave a moving ball alone.

On the upside, the Australian women’s team won the Ashes, although due to the weird points system they use due to administrators’ view that nobody will want to watch women’s cricket if it easy to follow, I’m not quite sure how.

Then, of course, there was the Indian Premier League, which is always enjoyable.

Meanwhile, in…

Soccer
Soccer in 2015 was distinguished by the 180th consecutive year of fans objecting to people calling it “soccer”.

In the A-League, Melbourne Victory defeated Sydney FC 3-0 in the grand final, making their team name slightly less stupid for another year.

Meanwhile, in the English Premier League, it was Chelsea’s turn to take the title in a thrilling season that illustrated yet again the excitement factor of a sporting competition in which 80 per cent of the participants literally have no chance of ever winning.

But as 2015 taught us so well, soccer isn’t about who wins and loses: it’s about who gets arrested for blatant corruption. The revelation that FIFA officials had been taking bribes came as a massive surprise to several mole people who had been dwelling deep within the earth’s crust for the last millennium.

An FBI investigation resulted in the indictment of 14 people on corruption charges, the bureau’s suspicions having been first aroused when the 2022 FIFA World Cup was awarded to the Outrigger Mauritius Beach Resort.

Fortunately, FIFA President Sepp Blatter escaped criminal charges, but was suspended from his post while an investigation was carried out into whether he possessed the genetic capacity for shame.

Nothing unusal going on here. (Ennio Leanza/Keystone via AP)

There was also controversy about crowd behaviour at soccer games, because the heat death of the universe has not yet occurred.

On a brighter note, 2015 saw Canada host the Women’s World Cup, the latest in a series of experiments carried out by the world’s media to discover whether women’s sport exists. The Cup was won by the USA, because nothing is enough for them, is it? They have to have everything.

We can’t have nice things. After the event, a rumour circulated that women’s football, like many women’s sports, was an exciting and compelling game, marked by high skill levels, exceptional athleticism, and players demonstrating refreshingly down-to-earth sportsmanship in stark contrast to many of their male counterparts.

Investigators were unable to confirm the truth of this, however, due to being fully occupied following sportsmen into pubs.

But 2015 wasn’t just about the really good sports. There were also fun hijinks in…

Tennis
Men’s tennis in 2015 was dominated by Novak Djokovic, the Superb Serb, who won the Australian and US Opens, and Wimbledon, narrowly missing out on the Grand Slam with a loss in the French Open final. Despite his success, Djokovic continued to be less attractive than Roger Federer.

In the women’s game Serena Williams won just about everything up to the US Open, which was unexpectedly won by a mysterious fictional character called “Flavia Pennetta”, who most observers agreed was probably Serena Williams in disguise. 

In Australian tennis, controversy continued to dog our most prominent players, with young hotshots Bernard Tomic and Nick Kyrgios beset by allegations that they had been seen in public behaving like professional tennis players.

Many fear that if 2016 does not bring an attitude adjustment in Australia’s rising tennis stars, it may be years before we can once again develop unreasonable expectations after a moderately impressive third-round victory.

Meanwhile, in…

Golf
Golf in 2015 was notable for being incredibly dull to watch.

Surfing
In 2015 Mick Fanning punched a shark. As far as anyone knows, this is the only surfing thing that happened this year.

Horse Racing
The 2015 Melbourne Cup was won by Prince of Penzance, who investigations later revealed is not even a real prince. Prince of Penzance established a new record by becoming the 155th Melbourne Cup winner to not know he was in the Melbourne Cup. Prince of Penzance was ridden by Michelle Payne, debunking the popular myth that women can’t sit on horses.

There were a lot of other horse races too, apparently.

Basketball
The NBA championships were won by the Golden State Warriors, led by season MVP Stephen Curry, an eerie visitor from a distant world who gains his astonishing powers from Earth’s yellow sun.

The Warriors won despite opposing the Cleveland Cavaliers, who had on their side LeBron James, the 16-foot-tall champion who was born of the sacred union between an eagle and a lion back when the world was new.

Despite James’s best efforts, occasionally his teammates became involved in the play, at which point the Cavaliers’ chances plummeted. 

Some studies indicate basketball was also played in Australia this year.
 
Other sports
Other sports which existed in 2015 include athletics, swimming, hockey, water polo, diving, lawn bowls, non-water polo, curling, hurling, ballroom dancing, Grand Theft Auto, baseball, ice hockey, netball, European handball, American handball, northern reticulated handball, archery, cars, motorbikes, dogs, guns, beach volleyball, the bad kind of volleyball, softball, hardball, ten-pin bowling, table tennis, badminton and Ricky Nixon.

All of these had vibrant and robust years and look forward to a bright future probably.

All in all, 2015 certainly was a year.