Hot heads, the NRL bunker and the impotent Dragons

Hot heads. Loose cannons. Powder kegs. You know the type. These are the blokes fuelled by aggression and raw emotion, the type of players that takes every tackle personally.

They see red mist at the slightest provocation, and seem to be the third man in for every stoush, regardless of where they were on the field when it started. Their fiery disposition can captivate fans and inspire teammates, but unfortunately it can also betray them.

So who are the fieriest customers in the game today? Here are five of the best (or is it worst?).

Martin Taupau
Over the last couple of seasons, big Marty has become one of the most intimidating enforcers in the NRL, delivering more swinging arms than an octopus being tenderised.

Renowned for his short fuse, Taupau garnered international infamy when he performed a throat slitting gesture in the direction of Sam Thaiday after rising from a contentious tackle. Disciplinary action against Marty was suggested, yet no one was game enough to tell him.

David Klemmer
Klemmer announced himself on the national stage when he erupted into the State of Origin arena like the second coming of Mark Geyer. His wild intensity and unhinged physicality got under Queensland’s skin faster than a bag full of scabies. Maroons veteran Corey Parker took particular exception to the gargantuan Bulldogs prop, mounting his high horse and channelling his inner Aretha Franklin, proclaiming his actions were “disrespectful.”

Klemmer eloquently responded in true rugby league fashion with “Get f—ed you c—”.

Josh Reynolds
The man they call ‘Grub’ has epitomised the brain explosion in recent seasons. In fact, fans sitting in the front few rows of Bulldogs games have taken to wearing spray jackets, protecting them from the inevitable spattering of grey matter.

Reynolds himself recently admitted that the pressure of retaining his NSW No. 6 jersey brought out the worst in him, leading to a John Hopoate-esque six suspensions in 12 months. While a summer of cognitive aerobics cooled his volcanic temperament, Reynolds still handles pressure worse than a Faberge egg.

Greg Bird
Consider this one more of a lifetime achievement nomination. Bird’s impressive tally of 29 weeks spent on the sidelines through suspension compares favourably to some of the dirtiest players of all time.

Bird studied a Bachelor of Niggle under Professor Gallen early in his career, learning the intricacies of the eye gouge and squirrel grip, among other colourful tactics. Age may have slowed him, but the fire still burns.

Andrew Fifita
My nomination has to go to Cronulla firebrand Andrew Fifita. The Sharks forward has a magnetism for controversy, making him almost impossible to ignore. Whether it’s a tackle-busting rampage, a careless dropped ball or baffling brain snap, there is just something about the man which bears watching.

While scouring the depths of Wikipedia, I stumbled across some little known metrics which encapsulate Fifita’s style of play to perfection. Through five rounds this season, Fifita leads the league with an average of 2.5 error-induced opposition head rubs, 1.8 pushing melees and 3.1 open handed slaps.

Debunking the Bunker – Greenberg’s secret plan
Ridiculous conspiracy theory alert!

Perhaps the most infuriating aspect of rugby league is the perceived influence the officials have in determining the outcome of a game. But, much like overpriced mid-strength beer and the second-man play, blaming the ref has now woven itself into the very fabric of the game.

Coaches and fans are quick to shift the blame from their players to the whistle-blowers, lamenting botched decisions instead of focusing on missed opportunities. Monday mornings see talkback radio hijacked by disgruntled fans, arguing with whoever will listen that their team would have won on the weekend if only a few 50/50 calls had gone their way.

So who in their right mind would want to become a referee? Spend 80 gruelling minutes running up and down, back and forth, making hundreds of snap decisions on the run. And if you make a mistake, the whole thing is televised live across the country.

Enter Todd Greenberg, new CEO of the National Rugby League. As a long time referee sympathiser, Greenberg was determined to preserve the men in pink. And so with a blank cheque written by his predecessor Dave Smith, Greenberg formulated the most expensive ruse in the history of the NRL.

The launch of the $2 million dollar Bunker was seen as a new dawn in rugby league officiating. Efficiency, accuracy and consistency. State of the art technology to ensure every decision was the right one. But did Todd Greenberg have an ulterior motive?

The word around the traps is the Bunker is simply an elaborate front to deflect criticism from the on-field officials. After a successful launch, the Bunker made a few calculated blunders, such as the ruling on the forward pass in the Bulldogs versus Eels game, allowing fans and coaches to shift their crosshairs away from the cowering referees and instead lock on to the faceless Bunker.

And hasn’t it worked!

The officials are now referring even the most rudimentary decisions ‘upstairs’, ensuring the stinging criticism is heaped on the broad shoulders of technology.

And the best part? Unlike its human counterparts, if the Bunker starts to malfunction, Greenberg can simply follow the same process applied to all haywire technology. Turn it off, and turn it on again.

Dragons need to start hanging with Mr Cooper
The Dragons have long had problems in attack. In the five years since they won the 2010 Premiership, St George Illawarra have ranked no higher than eighth in points scored, including ranking 15th in 2013 and dead last in 2012.

The signing of Gareth Widdop was designed to address their flaccid attack, yet his pairing with Benji Marshall has been patchier than Donald Trump’s tandoori tan.

St George fans and their coaching staff have previously defended their attacking ineptitude, but surely the ostrich-sized egg from their game against the Cowboys will end all debate: big changes are needed at the Dragons.

For the second time this season, an opposition team has criticised the Dragons attack during post-game media commitments. Following their game against Cronulla a couple of weeks ago, coach Shane Flanagan confessed that the Dragons “didn’t throw anything at us,” before NRL Golden Boy Johnathan Thurston confirmed this week the Saints “didn’t offer much.”

In a sport where extracting honest and original comments during post-game interviews is harder than a woodpecker’s lips, this is a massive indication of just how much strife the Dragons are in.

The solution? I believe they need to sell their soul for Cooper Cronk. While the mercurial Melbournian is getting a little long in the tooth, he has shown no signs of slowing, as running down Valentine Holmes from behind clearly displayed.

His clinical kicking game and underrated running game would instantly put fire back in the Dragons’ bellies. Reuniting Widdop with his former Storm teammate will immediately boost the Dragons’ ability to post points, and complement their already formidable defence.

Cronk would not come cheap, but he would be worth every cent. And while early reports suggest he is negotiating only with Melbourne, Cronk knows this will be his last contract, and is likely to want to maximise his earning capacity before hanging up his boots.

Finishing his career in Sydney allows media opportunities and third party agreements which just don’t exist in Melbourne. If Peter Doust ponies up enough cash, this seems like win-win scenario.