Move Zach Tuohy into attack

Zach Tuohy looks, and is, fiercely competitive. Sweat pours from his beard down to his body. His eyes dart left and right, scoping out every section of his perimeter.

Due largely to a lack of defensive pressure from the midfield, the ball comes rapidly into his area. He’s matched up on an opponent who is, far too often, bigger and stronger or faster and craftier. Not scrappier though, for he tenaciously scraps and claws and struggles with every ounce of aggression that he possesses to force the ball away.

But, often enough, Tuohy’s endeavour is unsuccessful. He’s outgunned, loses the contest and the ball lands comfortably in the opposition’s hands. His head falls down, hands go on thighs and the last vestige of frustration – an image which projects one hundred thousand words – is the pointing. Sometimes at Sammy Rowe, for he is often, in some capacity, to blame.

Following a huddle, head bounces back up and he returns to his defensive post. The dreadful process repeats ad infinitum.

Now, did all of this actually happen with Zach Tuohy, or is it just a scenario I, with too much time on my hands, made up? While it’s almost definitely the latter (particularly regarding his sweaty beard) I think the one point remains salient. Hard as he tries, he has the propensity to lose contests against the second, third or fourth forward inside his defensive fifty.

He has one tremendous asset, though, which is his penetrative, accurate right peg. And he gets to use it really productively every fortnight or so.

A guy like Levi Casboult will take a strong mark around the forward 50 arc. His first thought is to have a crack but, after missing the first few, he’ll look to alleviate the responsibility from himself and hear Tuohy screaming for the ball.

He’ll lay it off to the Irish dynamo and, with a monumental strike, the ball will sail through the big sticks from outside fifty. Muscles are pumped, Tuohy will release a guttural roar with the Carlton fans and his teammates will jump and crush him because this is apparently a pleasant sign of affection.

Here’s my point. Well, it’s more of a prayer. Please, benevolent football Gods, move Tuohy closer to goal. He’s tough, strong around the contest and has great skills. He’d be such an asset forward of the centre square and it’s a shame we don’t get to see him kick these goals more often.

Let him follow in the footpaths of great Irish forwards like Setanta O’Hailpin and, um, others.

Now, I can almost hear the cries of distress.

First, I hear you murmur, how can we reallocate the guy named by the venerated coaches as the All-Australian back pocket last year? Well, my pragmatic and really well thought-out theory is that they recognised how valuable he could be to the mighty CFC closer to goal, and named him in the back-pocket in a sneaky attempt to keep him there. A massive, collusive conspiracy took place and all we can do is watch.

The second hurl of abuse that I hear from this noise in my head – which I’ve anthropomorphised to be a hodgepodge of angry Roarers – is that we can’t release Zach Tuohy from his cage, because we don’t have the luxury of a replacement. Like Bret Thornton at full-back for much of the 21st century, he’s just indispensable for us back there.

The only response I have for this is to get another Irishman, Ciaran Byrne, in there. It’s time for us to start feeling the Byrne.